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male
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*omebody
writes: Sorry this is so long, but it is quite difficult to explain in just a few sentences.My wife has been going through depression for a long time now (over a year) and I don't know how to be supportive anymore. Days go by without us even talking because I don't know whether I am going to be ignored or yelled at depending on my wife's mood at the moment. I have fallen out of love and really don't want to be around her anymore - she is beginning to bring me down emotionally. My wife is taking medication that doesn't seem to be working, but she hasn't gone into counseling for over a year. She gets angry at me for suggesting any options (counseling, reading, exercise) for fighting her depression.The only reason I am staying right now is because of our children. I know people say you shouldn't stay for the kids, but I cannot see me leaving them with her in her current emotional state. The Courts would give her custody, as there is no real abuse and she is working to support them. My concern is her neglecting our children. She lays around all day and sleeps late on weekends, so I pretty much do 90% of everything when it comes to our children. Whether they need clean clothes, help with homework, getting their hair done, reading a story or just a lap to sit on - my wife is often unavailable to them. She alienates herself from the family, has no motivation to participate in family functions or outings. She will ignore our children or yell at them to leave her alone when she is in her moods (which is the majority of the time).I can't see leaving them with her to be ignored and neglected. Children should ALWAYS come first regarldess of how difficult life is for us adults. I get very stressed myself, but I put my feelings on the back burner to care for my childrens' wants and needs. I feel the need to stay for the days when my children ask their mom for something, but get ignored. I step in and give them the attention they need.Am I wrong for staying in this situation (which makes me miserable) so that I can make sure my children don't have to feel miserable too. It breaks my heart to think of them being ignored for days and then only coming to see me on weekends. I feel that it would break their spirits. I really don't want to go through a nasty custody battle either, as my wife has said many times that she would fight for custody.Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. I just can't see me not being there for my children when they need a parent and mom isn't interested in them at the moment.
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reader, mrr1  +, writes (7 October 2007):
I really feel for you. When I met my wife 12 years ago she was a fun loving happy person who I adored. Them after a few years it was as if a nasty vindictive person took over her body for a couple of months and then disappeared. Over the past three years or so the nasty person seems to be there almost constantly with only an occasional week long visit by the original nice person I met al those years ago.
She's accused me of sexually abusing our children. When I'm down she tells me to "f*****ng cheer up and stop being so miserable". She's been nasty to pretty much all of my friends (I stopped seeing friends years ago - I never really knew how to explain her antisocial behaviour). Her spending has gotten us to pretty deep trouble with the bank. We've got two kids and when I recently discovered I suffer from an incurable genetic psychological "abnoramality" she told me she could not believe I'd "infected" our children (the eldest is already showing symptoms of "our affliction"). For the past three months she won't even let me sleep in our marital bed, let alone have sex (now eleven months since that happened last). I've just spent three days working 26 tonnes of soiul into the garden (I was going to get a pro gardener in but my wife spent the money on a second bed for our three year old daughter) and when my parents arrived to give me some cash I asked to borrow she went wild at me calling me every name under the sun for "acting selfishly". I'm afraid I blew my top. I won't shout at her any more in front of the kids - I think it must affect them too badly. I'm afraid I took off my wedding ring threw it at her and told her to go and find a better life with someone she wants to love. She then told me that everything is my fault and to "grow up". Tomorrow I'm going to sart divorce proceedings. I'm also afraid of custody battles. However I see it like this; when I'm physically near my wife I know I can't relax or be myself or be happy. That means that the only way I can be content and make my kids happy is if I'm away from their mother. That may, ultimately, mean that I can only have fun and bond with them for two days out of every fortnight but actually thats much better than the current level of zero happy days out of every fortnight. I could hang around taking more & more sh*t from my wife but I don't want to be looking back at the end of my life thinking "well, I've hated my life but at least I didn't let my miserable sexless funless joyless marriage fail".
I know you want the best for your kids and there may be a risk of their mothers moods affecting them but ask yourself this - are you willing to live the rest of your life in misery?
good luck
A
male
reader, mrr1 +, writes (7 October 2007):
I really feel for you. When I met my wife 12 years ago she was a fun loving happy person who I adored. Them after a few years it was as if a nasty vindictive person took over her body for a couple of months and then disappeared. Over the past three years or so the nasty person seems to be there almost constantly with only an occasional week long visit by the original nice person I met al those years ago.
She's accused me of sexually abusing our children. When I'm down she tells me to "f*****ng cheer up and stop being so miserable". She's been nasty to pretty much all of my friends (I stopped seeing friends years ago - I never really knew how to explain her antisocial behaviour). Her spending has gotten us to pretty deep trouble with the bank. We've got two kids and when I recently discovered I suffer from an incurable genetic psychological "abnoramality" she told me she could not believe I'd "infected" our children (the eldest is already showing symptoms of "our affliction"). For the past three months she won't even let me sleep in our marital bed, let alone have sex (now eleven months since that happened last). I've just spent three days working 26 tonnes of soiul into the garden (I was going to get a pro gardener in but my wife spent the money on a second bed for our three year old daughter) and when my parents arrived to give me some cash I asked to borrow she went wild at me calling me every name under the sun for "acting selfishly". I'm afraid I blew my top. I won't shout at her any more in front of the kids - I think it must affect them too badly. I'm afraid I took off my wedding ring threw it at her and told her to go and find a better life with someone she wants to love. She then told me that everything is my fault and to "grow up". Tomorrow I'm going to sart divorce proceedings. I'm also afraid of custody battles. However I see it like this; when I'm physically near my wife I know I can't relax or be myself or be happy. That means that the only way I can be content and make my kids happy is if I'm away from their mother. That may, ultimately, mean that I can only have fun and bond with them for two days out of every fortnight but actually thats much better than the current level of zero happy days out of every fortnight. I could hang around taking more & more sh*t from my wife but I don't want to be looking back at the end of my life thinking "well, I've hated my life but at least I didn't let my miserable sexless funless joyless marriage fail".
I know you want the best for your kids and there may be a risk of their mothers moods affecting them but ask yourself this - are you willing to live the rest of your life in misery?
good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2007): I really feel for you. When I met my wife 12 years ago she was a fun loving happy person who I adored. Them after a few years it was as if a nasty vindictive person took over her body for a couple of months and then disappeared. Over the past three years or so the nasty person seems to be there almost constantly with only an occasional week long visit by the original nice person I met al those years ago.
She's accused me of sexually abusing our children. When I'm down she tells me to "f*****ng cheer up and stop being so miserable". She's been nasty to pretty much all of my friends (I stopped seeing friends years ago - I never really knew how to explain her antisocial behaviour). Her spending has gotten us to pretty deep trouble with the bank. We've got two kids and when I recently discovered I suffer from an incurable genetic psychological "abnoramality" she told me she could not believe I'd "infected" our children (the eldest is already showing symptoms of "our affliction"). For the past three months she won't even let me sleep in our marital bed, let alone have sex (now eleven months since that happened last). I've just spent three days working 26 tonnes of soiul into the garden (I was going to get a pro gardener in but my wife spent the money on a second bed for our three year old daughter) and when my parents arrived to give me some cash I asked to borrow she went wild at me calling me every name under the sun for "acting selfishly". I'm afraid I blew my top. I won't shout at her any more in front of the kids - I think it must affect them too badly. I'm afraid I took off my wedding ring threw it at her and told her to go and find a better life with someone she wants to love. She then told me that everything is my fault and to "grow up". Tomorrow I'm going to sart divorce proceedings. I'm also afraid of custody battles. However I see it like this; when I'm physically near my wife I know I can't relax or be myself or be happy. That means that the only way I can be content and make my kids happy is if I'm away from their mother. That may, ultimately, mean that I can only have fun and bond with them for two days out of every fortnight but actually thats much better than the current level of zero happy days out of every fortnight. I could hang around taking more & more sh*t from my wife but I don't want to be looking back at the end of my life thinking "well, I've hated my life but at least I didn't let my miserable sexless funless joyless marriage fail".
I know you want the best for your kids and there may be a risk of their mothers moods affecting them but ask yourself this - are you willing to live the rest of your life in misery?
good luck
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (6 June 2006):
 I have a parent who has bipolar disorder. My childhood was not too traumatic (or so I think), but near the end of high school the disorder really took a toll on all of us. I have a young brother who ended up the most damaged of all of us. He deals with depression and I am not sure that he will ever experience a normal, stable life.
I am thankful that my mother was able to shoulder the load through the tough times and get most of us through them with little damage. I am disturbed by your wife's statement that she did not want to have children, but you have not provided a context - did she say this while she was depressed? If not, then you might want to recall her statement if you decide to divorce and fight for custody. I hope your situation does not deteriorate such that divorce becomes a palatable option. It is such a terrible thing to put young children through.
In the end you need to follow your instinct. Get back to your inner child because he will see things most clearly. Watch how your young children use their instincts... that is, as long as you and your wife haven't forced them to rationalize those instincts away.
Finally, a day could come when you are raising your children on your own. For the sake of these kids, be sure you are prepared mentally and financially for that possibility. I really wish you and your family the best.
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A
male
reader, Somebody +, writes (5 June 2006):
Somebody is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! Thanks for all the great feedback. You've given me alot to think about. My true intent would be to stay true to the vows me made together. I do think about divorce quite often, but I would prefer to support my wife through this ordeal. It just weighs very heavily on me and I don't see a ray of light at the end of the tunnel.
My wife became depressed after giving birth to our 2nd child (both pregnancies were back-to-back and born 1 yr. apart) and has bounced in and out of depression for almost 5 years, but within the last 1-2 years her depression has been constant. She was a good mother, but there was always some distance between her and the kids. Her answer to this was that she never really wanted children (even though she had a four year old when we met). She did not tell me this until after we had children together.
As far as hers or my family, they are more trouble than help. My wife and I both come from dysfunctional families where there is much drug addiction and abuse, and cannot rely on family. That is why this (DearCupid) is such a great way for me to talk to someone and get valuable advice or insight into my problem. I am truly grateful to all who have taken the time to read and reply.
One reason for wanting to divorce is for my own sanity. I am very overwhelmed by this and feel the effects mentally and physically. I don't want this to break me down and then I am not able to properly care for my children.
Another reason is a fear that this could just be leading into another affair. That is also why I find myself not being in love anymore. I think I am just protecting myself and preparing for the worst. Even with all this, I do love her and it makes me sad to see how badly her depression is. She is unhappy with me, her children, her job, her family, her friends, etc... It seems the only thing she finds any glimpse of happiness in right now is her cigarettes.
I forgot to mention that my oldest daughter is my wife's from another relationship. That makes any custody battle more complicated. I don't want my children to be with my wife in her present mind state, but I don't want to break up my children either (I doubt that I could get custody of my stepchild). Thanks for all the advice.
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A
male
reader, cherub +, writes (5 June 2006):
 Let me say firstly you are a gentleman,caring,honest,hard working and loving towards your children.I am of the same opinion that children come first.Sorry to hear of your own depression due to your wife's affair.You mentioned that her depression started about a year ago.How was she before then?Was she caring,fun,good wife and mother?If she can return to be that person will you stay?If she was all that then what happened to change her,is she reacting to situations between your relationship or just fallen out of love with you.Maybe she ignores the children because she know it will gets to you.If you think the family unit is worth saving then try not to use blame.Maybe you could suggest 'we'go for family(I don't know how old are your children)or couple therapy which can help.Your local hospital psychological department can advise you on that.If her depression came on without any specific reasons you can think off then it may be of the endogenous type.A consultation with a psychiatrist should really follow especially she has been on medication for a year without success or review.There are other type of treatment that may help or combination of treatment.Wish you,your children and your wife a brighter future.
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A
female
reader, Smiler +, writes (5 June 2006):
 Hey Sweetie
i am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in at the minute... its a tough one, right now you are carrying the burdon of your whole family around your neck and thats an aweful lot to take on for anyone, i understand your having to be both mom and dad for your kids right now and try to support your wife though all this, let me tell you YOUR ONE AMAZING GUY. but as amazing as you are you can not continue to take all the burdon and pressure alone! your gonna give yourself a emotional breakdown sweetie... then where will your kids be? i did'nt mean that to sound as harsh as it came across honey cause i personally think your wonderful, but sweetie why don't you try getting a councellor that you can take to talk through your problems with or just let off some steam you know it can be frustrating when your in a 2 way relationship but your the only one pulling, i'm not having a go at your wife at all depression is not her fault its an illness, but you need some support to.. you can not continue to do this all alone.... is there any way that any of your wifes family could pop in to your house every now and again to help you out with the kids maybe? give you a break slightly ease the pressure on you cause sweetie i'm truely worried about you.... YOU ARE A TRUELY WONDERFUL GUY YOUR WIFE IS A VERY LUCKY WOMEN!!!
I truely hope my advice helped you out a little bit, Good luck with your situation i hope things work out for you i really do, If you ever need to talk or more advice or just a sounding board or a friend i'll always be here for you feel free to email me anytime ok... I wish you all the luck in the world
You Take Care Sweetie X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2006): Wow! You've really put a whole new slant on this problem. I am sorry about your wife's affair. My answer here on in, will be totally different. I can now understand your feelings of rage, uncertainty, pain, depression and confusion about her affair and your feelings are very normal. I don't care what anyone says, depression is not a viable excuse for an affair, in my books. It's a problem with her character. It's plainly obvious she's just plain miserable within the confines of this marriage which is causing her feelings of boredom, complacency and unmotivation...thus the depression. So instead of trying to cope with the marriage problems and work with you, she steps out and has an affair. That doesn't wash with me. One important question...do you feel indifferent? Do you have NO caring feelings for her? If you answered yes, you may be at the point of no return. You may have nothing to give anymore. Feeling indifferent is a strong sign that the marrige is over. So do you get a divorce? Only you can answer that question.
Now, you are trying to decide whether you should end this marriage. It is important that before making any major decisions that you attempt to reduce the stress in your life. Get yourself on stable ground, legally, financially and emotionally, so you can handle whatever comes your way. Divorce is hell, believe me. Devise a survival or back up plan to give yourself more of a sense of control over your life. Of course, if your emotional safety depends on being separated from your wife, you must make that your priority. When making this type of life-altering decision, recognize what you will lose and do not count on what you may receive. If your main reason for wanting a divorce is because you are miserably unhappy, being single again probably won't make you happier. You will be lonely, you will grieve, you will be wracked in self doubt (because of the kids) and you will need time to heal and recover. But as to when, it is time to throw in the towel, you will definitely know. You have a 'light bulb' moment of clarity as to what you need to do if you haven't already. .
If you do make the decision to divorce, be good to yourself. Remember that if your marriage fails, it doesn't mean you are a failure. You sound like an amazing father. Your children will need you more than ever, if you do go for the divorce. As for custody issues, talk to your lawyer..the courts are recognizing fathers more and more, nowadays as being the more responsible, dependable parent. Just because a female is the Mother, does not necessarily mean ...she gets the kids. Judges take into account, the role of each individual person in the lives of the children. I would fight for them but make sure to 'buffer' them from as much of the conflict as you can.
Sorry I have no better advice or opinions. Some unhealthy relationships are not meant to succeed. Sometimes people keep trying to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense or can't be solved. Just try your best to be strong-those kids need you! Good luck, dear
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A
male
reader, Somebody +, writes (5 June 2006):
Somebody is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your comments. Believe me, I am trying as best as I can to be understanding to my wife's problem. I went through a battle with depression recently, following an affair my wife had (she blamed it on her depression), but I never really even got to heal myself because my wife's depression had gotten even worse since then. It's hard for me to understand that I have to ignore my depression to care for my children because my wife let her depression get out of control. I still have my LOW moments regularly, but the thought of my kids not having either parent forces me to push forward and block out my depression. I usually break down emotionally in the evening or while I am at work, but feel almost like a robot at home because someone has to be responsible. I believe I am losing my sanity and feel trapped. It is also difficult to not feel loved or appreciated for everything I put into my family. I am currently in counseling trying to put myself back together, but it upsets me that I have to "get over it" and put in all the work, while my wife just let's her depression run her without seeking help.
I seldom see the woman I fell in love with inside my wife. Neither of us knows who she is anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2006): I am sorry you feel this way but I have much concern and compassion for your wife, dear, in all of this. The very last thing she needs is to pay a high emotional price for an illness that she is battling. It seems you have found the strength to be strong for your kids and keep this family intact. Don't stop what you are doing right now. The kids need you, your wife is too ill to be functioning in the normal sense of the word. This marriage...you need to focus on what that means. Committmentand partnership. You signed up to this partnership for life and even though she's not capable of doing her share, someone has to pick up the gauntlet and run with it, when the other one can't. Don't stop loving her. This is the time when the solidarity, the bonds, the committment should be enabling you to carry the load, when she can't.
Your wife didn't choose to be depressed, nor does she choose to stay depressed. If you think your life is a living hell...try being locked into her mind for one day. What you need to fully understand is when a person is in the midst of depression, they are unmotivated and they don't do much to help themselves, let alone the their family. This is the symptoms of this disorder. Depression makes the most active, outgoing, person just give up..they believe that no amount of effort can change things.
You are experiencing that sense of helplessness and frustration when this time call for more tolerance, love and compassion. Beleive me, if she could just "snap out of it" and "get on with life.", she would do it. I think what you should do is talk to a good family counselor to teach you some coping skills and to help you gain an understanding of the illness your wife is enduring. It's hard when a loved one is depressed. It's a real test to one's marriage and love. All you can really do is love and support her, and keep hope alive that she will pull through. I highly commend you for being there to help your kids through this. But, realize that when kids are involved, you put your needs aside and you fight hard to keep the family intact and make sure they are lokked after. She may be not the best Mom right now because she battling a debilitating illness, but take it from me as I too, had a depressed Mom growing up. I was devastated when my parent's marriage broke up due in large part to her illness. Through her neglect and her mood swings, I loved her like no other. She, after all, was my Mom. (by the way, her worst period of depression lasted 5 years and at 71, she lives an active happy life) Get some help for yourself and try to get through this tough time. Eat well, get a lot of rest. Dear, there is hope.I wish you well, dear and my heart goes out to you. Hang in there.
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