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male
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anonymous
writes: My wife recently told me she's been in touch with an old boyfriend from many years ago. I think they met via an internet chat room by accident. She has confessed to meeting with him on two occasions for coffee, but insists nothing happened physically. She denies that there is still a physical attraction between them, but remains in frequent contact by text and e mail. She has shown me some texts, which do seem innocent. She just wants him as a male friend to talk to, but I'm afraid something more may develop. We've been together for 10 years, and married for 5 of those, and I'm not sure why she has suddenly done this. I've been stressed with a change in employment recently which may not have helped. Should I insist she breaks contact with him, or just put up with it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2006): Well there is a concern in that she told you she wouldn't, then did so. It's good she told you but I am sure she did so after thinking about you giving your consent about continuing a relationship with this other man. He may be a good listener but being I am female; I would prefer the man I love to be that good listener. That she feels the need to turn to another and start developing a more intimate relationship with him as she pours her heart out to this other man and he listens, is responsive-sooner or later she will have deeper feelings for this man and you don't want it to get to that point.
A big decididng factor for any person when they choose a partner is that they must feel validated. That they can turn to them in time of need for comfort, a listening ear, counsel.
I'd tell her you have concerns and that you would rather be the man she needs. I'd ask her why she feels she can not come to you to talk to you about anything and everything. This is what she should be doing; further developning your relationship-sharing herself with you; being intimate.
Intimacy isn't just sex.
I'd tell her you are hurt over her going against her word to you. That now, because of her committing to you and then betraying that committment (not talking to him again) that you are left feeling like you can not trust in her and that is not what you want in a wife.
I am thinking some sessions with a marriage counsellor might be useful to you both.
I understand how you are feeling and why and keeping those feelings to yourself so not to offend her is not what marriage is about.
Through good times and bad, througth sickness and in health, for richer or poorer...
You know what you want and expect and now remind her.
Best of luck.
*waves*
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2006): Some fantastic advice, and I've tried some of it already! I admit I have been neglecting her a little recently, concentrating too much on work and the kids. We've had a long gap without going out for dinner for example, but have been out twice in the last fortnight. I've told her how much I love her, and I'm sure she realises this. I may have made a mistake soon after she told me, saying I didn't really mind if she keeps in touch with him as a friend. It does sound likes he's a good listener. She has since said she won't stay in contact because she realises it's wrong to do so, but a few days later admitted to exchanging text again. I don't want to get too paranoid and begin trying to search her texts or e mails. I just want to trust her again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2006): I think feeling a bit jealous and insecure is a normal and valid feeling.
I would be upset to know that the one I love felt the need to be secretive about her friendship with an old boyfriend.
Why would she feel the need to keep it a secret for so long? What made her decide to tell you? Why are you not included on these meetings for coffee?
I would ask her to next time consider taking you along so you can meet this old boyfriend. Tell her how you feel and set some rules down. You are her husband and you are being fair to ask her to be fair of you and your feelings.
Tell her that you don't like that she is spending time forming some relationship with him and that you would rather she put that same time and energy into your marriage. Ask her if she gets somethign from this other dude that she honestly doesn't believe you could give and if so, what is it? Ask her why she couldn't just tell you and ask of you as that is what you are to be to her, that is what you want to be for her.
Tell her you are sorry if you seem caught up in work and that this left her feeling slighted. Tell her you love her. Show her.
Communicate. Rebuild.
You are allowed to feel what you feel. You, being her husband, have the right to tell her that you do not feel she should continue this relationship if it will threaten your marriage. Tell her that your marriage is everything and you hope it is the same for her.
To be honest, I would not meet another man without informing my boyfriend and inviting him. I have no fear in telling or reminding men that I am in a loving relationship and that comes first and I will not put anyone or anything before it.
Take your wife out to dinner and tell her how you feel and think. Tell her that you ask this of her to not control her but to in fact keep your marriage solid.
I think is she is smart, she will listen and be willing to do what you need.
Hope all works out for you.
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A
male
reader, cherub +, writes (11 July 2006):
 Hi I am not trying to put more stress on you as you are already stressed out with change of job and now this,but you have to wake up a little.She showed you some texts and they seem innocent,well what about those she may have deleted? Same with email.They are in frequent contact so the time and date of contacts should tally in a way.Maybe is genuine no physical attraction but then he is a good listener and a good conversationist and she had once been attracted to him maybe for those reasons.One of my colleague mentioned to me that her(she has a partner for 10 years now) ex whom she had only recently been in good term still asked her for some 'intimacy'.Has your wife has any male friend to talk to before this ex came into the scene?If she has then it could be just what she said,just friend.Is he married?Happily?Furthermore was she dumped by him previously?If it is I suppose she might want to feel she still has it in attracting him which may massage her ego and flattered her then becomes vulnerable to his advances.
Anyway coming back to you,she needs someone(male) to talk to so you need to COMMUNICATE with her hers needs,aspirations,worries,what makes her happy,what make her sad,what are her favourites eg music,tastes in clothes,food,interests,holidays,families and intimacies.Also mentioned to her your uncertainties of her friendship with him,your stresses at work,maybe your lack of attention for her.Share your emotions with her,it is ok to be vulnerable to the person you love.That is what caring is all about.If she insist on continuing the friendship then it is pointless stopping her,maybe then you can suggest making it a foursome for dinner or meal out or trust her implicitly.If you don't or can't then she either stops because she loves you unconditionally or it will eats away your relationship and that is a slippery slope.
Hope it all work out fine for you as you come across as someone who truly love your wife.
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