A
male
age
41-50,
*leep
writes:I've been married to my wife now for almost 5 years now. We met online in an animated avatar chat room called Habbohotel, and things on the whole are great. but...Basically, i have an issue with her talking to men online. When i knew her online I was single and vulnerable and she seemed that way too, so we hit it off in no time. Things seemed to me to be perfect, she told me she loved me and I told her the same, we talked on webcam every single day for hours and we'd leave the cams on at night so we could fall asleep together (as close as we could get anyways) But then i started noticing that she had alot of other male friends too. A long story short, i found out from some of these men that she was telling them she loved them too... and that she was sending them pictures of herself naked and such. Every time i confronted her about these things she would deny it... I had no proof, I was on the other side of the world after all and because I loved her I wanted to believe her. This went on for 3 years and it seriously messed me up mentaly, I couldn't sleep because if I did she would use my absence as an excuse to cyber with other guys! I stopped working, I stopped going out, I was obsessed! Anyways, I finaly convinced her to let me come visit. We soon found out that the spark we had online was nothing compared to the real thing and we fell deeply inlove. When we decided that I would move to Canada I told her that she had to stop chatting to guys online. She had admitted that she had cybered with hundreds of guys while we were online dating, that she hadn't taken me or them seriously at all. That it had been all an attention seeking game to her. she was angry about it, but I made her delete all her male contacts and told her to stop talking to guys online period (which she did after some very heated arguments)Anyhow, its 5 years later... and I STILL can't stand her chatting online. Now she's into playing massive multiplayer online role playing games (mmorpg's for short.) There basicaly the same as habbohotel but in 3D.Its caused huge arguments, infact its the only thing we ever argue about! I just can't trust her with it! She says she just likes playing the game, that shes not interessed in chat, but every time i just give in and let her, she starts making friends (all of whom are men) and starts chatting more and more. One time i found out that she had married a guy "ingame" just for fun. she said it meant nothing, that it was just a game, but it felt horrible! I started taking the router with me when i went to work, so she would not be able to chat while I wasn't there, but that caused massive arguements. She tells me that its all me, all in my head, that i'm the messed up one, that I'm being abusive. The thing is, that i take it all to heart... the thought that I could abuse anyone makes me feel ill! The worst of it is that I'm actualy starting to beleive her! What if i am just messed up?! Am i being Abusive?! Should I give her what she wants? Please help :(
View related questions:
chat room, met online, period, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): Thank you for coming back and adding more details that helps a lot.
Remember its an addiction as much as alcohol, porn, cigarettes, heroin and ice cream. How to fix it? hmmm .... either hope it gets better on its own - it won't. probably worse I would think. what other time do you have do you out together? With 4 kids its not easy. what other activities away from the computer. Sport, friends etc.?
I think you have to be strong and say its either that you go for counselling or you can't go on like this. she will laugh - but you have to be strong over it and follow through! this is your do or die card in the relationship. (not sure if i should write that here)The point is you have reached a point where things have to change.
Hugs Star.x.
A
male
reader, gleep +, writes (25 February 2009):
gleep is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for answering my question, it's a very complex problem and i didn't actually cover all of it (didn't want to write a novel that no-one would read :S) But i appreciate the help so much. Its nice to know others don't think i'm being abusive.
A huge part of the story i missed out though is that she had 3 kids when I met her online (one 2 years old, one 9 and one 15). She was living with her parents at the time and she pretty much ignored her children all together. On webcam I saw and heard her children beg her for attention to which she would usualy either flat out ignore them or get angry.
Stopping her chatting online since I've been here, has literaly given her kids there mother back, and they have all since thanked me for it.
This is one extra huge reason that I don't want her to slide back into old habbits. Add to this the fact that I have a child with her now also and you'l see that "just leaving her" is not really an option. We argue about it alot, but on the whole I have stopped her addiction which benefits both me and her children.
I guess the ultimate problem is that deep down she resents me controlling her. She hates being told what to do, (even though I have begged her and asked her)
She has been abused quiet a few times through out her life (which does not entirely excuse her actions) but it does help explain her need for attention and the fact that she fights me tooth and nail when I try to stop her getting it.
I must add, that I DO give her a great deal of attention, I do love her and her kids. I listen to her problems attentively and on the whole try and give her as much as I can give. As far as sex goes, I've always tried to make her as happy as I can (I am by no means a selfish lover and I don't do the same old thing every single time).
I don't really know how else to make her happy... Maybe I'm just not good enough.
Anyways, maybe I will ask her to take counciling with me... you never know, but to be honest I know she will just say that its not her who has the problem, that it's me that needs help.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): Dump her. She is everyone's cyber lover?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): Create your own profile on this site and chat her up flirt like you have never flirted before, ask her if she is involved how she feels about her relationship, ask her things you know she wont tell you and save every conversation you have with her, angel I think this woman is abusing you!!! Your faith and trust in her your good heart, in a way I get what she meant when she said its only for attention… but she has you now, she should be looking for your attention, so I would say set a trap, not so you can confront her but so you can see who and what she really is and then decide where you want to go from there, I myself do not believe in online dating so many people do, but as the say it’s a cybering, you can be who ever you want you can pretend to be who you want, and somehow the person on the other side never really gets to know the true person they are speaking to, and when you actually meet this person face to face what they wanted and what they came across as changes, not all of them but sum : )
She shows you no respect and she lies you need to decide how far you will let her go with this, yea everything else is fine no troubles any where else, but how will you feel about yourself and her if she keeps this up for another 10 years how crazy will you feel by then how much doubt will you have, if she is not willing to change then she does not deserve you at all!!! Being alone is scary I know, thinking that you love this person so much and if you could only fix this one tiny problem that you will have it all, but the reality is that you will not be able to fix this if she is not willing to change.
Good luck and don’t worry some woman are cows I know I am a woman myself, and if things don’t work out just remember that you didn’t lose anything she lost you K
xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (23 February 2009):
 An "aunt" on this site "forewarned" me that I would get addicted to Dear Cupid :-) But fortunately for me, as freelancer in the field of work that I am in, I have "bursts" of hectic professional life and sloooow down-time (in-between job assignments). So, I only enjoy my "addiction" during my down-time only, as I am so busy when I actually have work that I don't even have time to do other things than merely deal with my work emails.
The point I'd like to make is, while you/her are working on your relationship/trust/attention issues, perhaps it would also be good for her to find more positive activities that would keep her busy. That way, her physical and emotional energy would be spent positively and at the end of the day, she would be physically exhausted and would enjoy your one and only attention at home.
Perhaps volunteering in an orphanage, or community center (for children and young adults' arts/sports activities), or a nursing home, or a hospital ward for terminally ill children, or animal shelter, or a home for children with multi-disabilities, etc etc etc ... would help her channel her desire for "attention" in a positive and rewarding way? (Actually, in some of these places, she would be the one that has to "give" attention, not receive it)
Just my two-cents worth ;-)
Good luck and hope it works out for you.
Cat
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (23 February 2009):
There was a divorce case earlier this year where some one married another woman online and his wife got a divorce on the grounds of adultery.
You guys basically met and thought you knew eachother and so jumped into marriage when really it may not have lasted very long otherwise.
What you are doing by taking the router is basically the same as this: a man who's wife goes out and sleeps with men while he's at work, locking her up in the house so she can't get out to cheat.
Keeping someone prisoner is not right, and it's just masking the real issue that she WANTS to go out and sleep around.
To be honest here I think you have to face the fact that she did not love you before she met you and I don't think she loves you now.
Tell her that she can have the router and do what she wants but the fact that she wants to cheat on you (online or offline it's all the same) means you want to seriously talk about where this marriage is going to go.
Do this in a calm voice and no matter what she does, you have to stay calm. Talk like adults, don't argue. Doing it with a marriage counsellor may help, even if it does end with you leaving her.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): Ok i think you are at point where you (both of you) need help externally - This isn't just in your head her reaction to router shows a sign of addiction (i am guessing here - no expert)
The online stuff is addictive, its simple effort bringing simple pleasure of achievement that are much harder to do in real life.
- how many hours does she play\online a day? if its 2.5 hrs a day (as my nephew confessed to me recently, (just before he got lectured)) then that's 1 day a week being lost.
You gave up a lot to move to Canada, you need some reciprocation. I would talk to her explain how you feel and that you can't go on like this, so you want to go for counselling.
Hugs Star.x.
...............................
|
