A
male
age
41-50,
*attJimm
writes:Do I have sufficient reason to be concerned/suspicious?Recently my wife of 9months has been hanging out with a group of new "friends" (she's 26 and this group is 19-20) until 2 or 3 in the morning. She use to be very concerned about getting to bed at 10pm every night for work the next day and not telling me about it. This obviously sent a red flag up in my direction. When asked about it, she said that she didn't want to be "tracked" or feel "stalked", when all I wanted was some communication as to who she was hanging out with and some general time that she would be back. Just so I wouldn't worry about her and in case something did happen, I'd know who to contact in an emergency and where she was last.Then we decided to separate due to some problems we have been having; I stayed at a friends house for a week while she stayed at the apartment.On memorial day, I stopped by the apartment at around 11pm to drop of some grilling utensil's and got up to our door just in time to see some guy ringing our doorbell. Obviously, I was shocked as she hadn't told me that anyone was coming over. She then told me that they were going to watch a movie. I left feeling quite a bit angry that she was having some guy that I didn't know, over at our apartment alone. She told me the next day that the plan was that the rest of her friends were going to come over as well, but they dropped out. Either way, T\the suspicions began there.The next day, I found a email that he had apparently sent to his dad saying something similar too "I just wanted to show you what she looked like. She's a gorgeous little thing, but you know thats how I do." I was pretty pissed off at that point.Fast forward a few weeks.I now find that the majority of her incoming and out going calls are to this guy and they apparently call each other 4-5 times per day. She sees him at work nearly every day and hangs out with him and her "new" friends at least 3 times per week; all while ignoring me.I then find that every time she is with our mutual friends, he is the main topic of her conversations. That and last Friday, she went out again with out telling me, and came back wearing a cute little outfit and was all dolled up. She told me that she met her friends at a restaurant for dinner. Problem with that is that generally, if your only going out to dinner with your friends, you usually don't get all done up unless your trying to gain attention from someone. Yes, that guy was there as well.I've asked her, point blank, if there is something going on between them, but she says that they are only friends.All these things and yet she doesn't understand why I don't trust her right now.Am I just being paranoid or is this a justifiable reason for suspicion?
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female
reader, Midge  +, writes (9 July 2007):
 I am really sorry to hear this. What a coward she is!
If you love someone and are in a relationship, if someone hits on you, you just say to them, "thanks, I'm flattered, but I'm with someone". She obviously doesnt understand this concept!
You unfortunately now have to decide whether you feel you want to, or can for that matter, save what relationship there is left. Not a nice position to put you in, but you are the only one that can make that decision.
Sometimes, apologies come a little too late. Which is where the divorce comes into effect!
Let us know how you get on!
Good Luck! I hope the decision you make is good for YOU!!!
A
male
reader, MattJimm +, writes (9 July 2007):
MattJimm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate as of yesterday.
I was cleaning out our closet and getting rid of some old clothes when I happened upon one of her backpacks shoved in between the wall and her dresser. Intrigued I pulled it out and opened it up.
Surprise surprise.
Let me first tell you that when we were just starting to go out, we would keep everything from each other. Little notes, wristbands from concerts and even movie ticket stubs.
Fast forward.
Inside were two notes written on cardboard and three ticket stubs...not mine.
On the cardboard was written something about "your the most beautiful woman in the world" and the other was a series of short verses (this guy has all the lyrical talent of a dead cow apparently) saying "Your hair, your eyes, your smell, your ass, your lips, (ect...ect...), your amazing.
Another thing worth mentioning is that on June 16, we were going to go see one of the movies with some friends, she decided to back out saying the she wasn't feeling good. The night previously she said she had gone out to dinner with some of her friends and bought two tickets for her "friend" and his mother to the movie because they were afraid it would be sold out.
How odd, the ticket stub I found was for the exact same movie we were set to see on the 16...however it was dated the 15, the same day she "just went to dinner". Lied right to my face about it.
When asked about these articles, she became really silent and defensive.
About the ticket stub, she said she was afraid that I would have been upset about it...not as upset I am now that she lied to me about it and hid if from me for nearly a month.
As for the notes, she claims they were stupid and were given to her months ago...that she had forgotten that they were in there. BS. Again, the ticket stub was dated June 15th and was in with the notes. Forgot about it in one month my ass.
She then proceeded to try and tell me that the only reason she kept them was because they made her feel good, like I never had right?
Fact of the matter is, she's married. If a guy friend (or a girl friend) comes up to you and professes interest in you via notes like those, red flags would pop up all over the place. Atleast I know that I would have enough respect to tell the person sorry, I'm married and you know that. Advances like this are completely inappropriate. But she didn't apparently. Not only did she keep the notes, but hid them from me in our own apartment and kept hanging out with this douche in all the ways I explained in the previous question.
If your in a relationship and you value the other person at all (especially in a marriage) wouldn't want to confront this "friend" who is making advances on you instead of doing nothing and leading him on?
Right now I really want nothing to do with her. She's blamed me this entire time for not trusting her because of a gut instinct I had about it. For awhile, I tried to just let it go and trust her blindly; willing to believe that she wouldn't do anything to hurt me.
That worked out well didn't it. Every suspicion, every amount of distrust I was feeling with this was all justified. She's been lying to me this entire time.
I haven't made up my mind yet, but the divorce papers are just a call away. I just can't believe that she'd do this.
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A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (20 June 2007):
 This is all wrong and you are completely right. It is completely classic that a person who is being unfaithful makes the wronged party feel paranoid. This disempowers you, makes you feel unreasonable and leaves you speechless. I keep recommending this book called "Love Must Be Tough" because a friend recently used it. It will help guide you every step of the way.
I think you are going to have to be very tough, and soon, or this relationship will end. It may do anyway, that is the risk you take, but you won't save it by just hoping that she will come to her senses - you just have to be strong and get moving on this. The longer you leave it, the worse it will be. The faster you do something, the more surprised she will be.
Get your power back. At the moment she thinks she can do as she likes and she is not finding you very attractive because you are seeming weak, desparate even, letting her get away with it. She is living in a small fantasy and the reason she does not want to admit it, is that when she does it will be spoiled. She will either have to deal with it or leave and she does not want to have to make that choice. This half-way house whre she is, is much more comfortable. Hedging her bets.
Get the book fast. It really works and will make you think differently. You may not even want her when you really think about how she has treated you. Change you minset, read it. I didn't write it and neither do I have shares! I promise you will feel so much better.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (20 June 2007):
I have to say that if I were in your shoes, I would also be worrying and very suspicious. Obviously we dont know all the facts, but everything seems to point to her doing something not right.
It may be entirely innocent and she may have just gotten in with a crowd that is younger than her, so she feels that she needs to dress up and go out till all hours. Perhaps she feels that marrying fairly young, she has missed out on the party life and making up for it now. However it doesnt make you feel any better because she might also possibly have a need to play away too.
Unfortunately however, I do feel that she is not being 100% faithful, perhaps not having sex with this guy, but by "messing about", like first and second base.
The only way you will find out is by catching her in the act because its obvious that she isnt going to tell you if she was.
What about you going out with her and her friends? That way you can see what they do and what they are up to. We are only talking one night so she cant say that you are stalking her.
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