A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have known my wife for 7 years. Married to her for 5 years. During this time my wife has had 5 operations and has been diagnosed with Lupus. I have Multiple Sclerosis so my health isn't the greatest either. For the past 2 years or more I had been doing all the house work, caring for my step daughter, the only one working, cooking all the meals, doing all the laundry. Her excuse is always "I don't feel good" "I am tired" But when it is something she wants to do she always is able to go to her friends or go shopping, etc. She has a different attitude towards how the house should be. She could care less about living in a pig sty but I on the other hand can't stand it. I feel she is disrespecting me and my home by not putting any effort into making our home a better place. I even mentioned getting cleaning service in on occasion to do the heavy work but she refused, saying "I don't want a stranger in my home". But she is content to have her husband work all day and maintain the home. I feel taken advantage of and used with my wife’s constant excuses of I don't feel good. My stress level is through the roof. Our sex life during that time, hell longer, has been almost nonexistent. I have talked to her countless times about the inequity of me doing all the work and lack of sex. Ok, I know it is more than just sex, my wife has said the same thing I have read in here all the time which is, women need hugging, kissing etc. I told her yes, men are different. But when a man is constantly rejected for sex he is less and less willing to include the other types of intimacy. We have gotten into a chicken and egg endless cycle. Hell, I am always too occupied doing all the work to maintain the home for energy left for intimacy. We have attended marriage counseling where my wife had looked me in the face and said she would make an effort to do better around the house and have sex more frequently. The housework was never done and three weeks later we didn't have sex once. The odd thing is on the rare occasions when we do have sex she always says she enjoys it and climaxes and we don't do it enough, "We need to do this more often" is a quote out of her lips. Yet the next time I try to initiate I am rebuffed.In an effort to fill one of my needs, I have had a series of one or 2 night stands and most recently met a woman that I am falling in love with. She is all my wife isn't. I think of her constantly and take every chance I can get to see her. My wife found out about this ongoing affair and I promised to end it but I haven't. My wife thinks it is over. At least she hasn't said she knows. The funny thing is, a few days before she found out about the affair she said to me "You seem to be really happy lately". My wife has started to have sex with me more often once she realized I would get it elsewhere. Now I don't want to have it with her. She has also started doing a bit more around the house since I have threatened to leave her. But not to my satisfaction, I am still eating frozen pizzas for dinner a few times a week after working all day. I find that inexcusable. To sum up my home life, at the end of the workweek, when Friday is here I think Thank God It's Friday. By the time Sunday evening is here, I think, thank God I am back to work tomorrow. I cannot stand to be in my own home. I feel stressed, tension, unhappy, uncomfortable... My home is not my place of refuge or happiness.I know better than to leave my wife for this other woman. I won't do that. If I leave it will be to my own place. These recent events have caused me to question my wife’s real commitment to my marriage as well as my own. After over 2 years of complaining to her about the lack of sex, ok I will say intimacy, and her total disregard for our home I feel she is only stepping it up now to keep me from leaving. As they say "A Tiger can't change its stripes". When I discuss leaving her all I hear from her is "What will I do" "Where will I live" "I wont have health insurance” I feel like she is doing nothing more than pouring on the guilt. She knows I am a decent man and everyone she has told that I had an affair did not believe I would do it. I never thought I would either. It took a lot of neglect, emotional abuse and rejection to get me there.I also have a very large problem with communicating with my wife especially if I think it will hurt her. My spine just evaporates. It disappears. I have been getting better and as I said, when I am truthful with something that hurts her, she pours on the guilt. I can't stand when she does that so we avoid communication. A few times she has asked me if I wanted to talk, afterwards she "has regretted it" Not that I didn't need to say what I said, but she didn't like what I said and ended up crying and upset.Can I trust my wife to live up to her promises? Will she change her stripes? I live in constant fear of making the wrong decision. I am scared if I stay with her things will eventually return to how they were. I am not happy with how they are now even after her increased effort. If I leave I am scared I made the wrong choice. I am scared period. The only comfort I find in my life right now is with the other woman I am seeing. I feel things with her I have not felt with my wife in a LONG time. I feel things with her I have never felt, ever.Basically it comes down to this, I have no respect for my wife as a mother or a wife. NONE. When I say this to her I get her big excuse. I am ill.
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female
reader, eliz1958 +, writes (6 February 2010):
With my blessing please go. I am sick and tired of these posts that makes you sound like the bad guy in all this. She treats you like garbage, is a slob, neglects for need for intimacy, but cries when her financial stability might be at stake. She is using you. SHE IS USING YOU and then trying to make you feel guilty about wanting to leave. You need to be happy. Life is too short to be miserable like this. She does not love you. Why on earth would you want to be with someone who does not love you? That crap she says about "we should do this more often" after sex is a calculated bullshit line. She just says it to pacify you and knows damn good and well that what she's really thinking is "ugg, glad to get that over with." I am sick of "you made a vow, blah, blah, blah", and your the bad guy for finding happiness elsewhere. She made a vow too my dear and is she living up to it? No she's not. Do not feel guilty go...she isn't going to die without you...seriously.A big hug and the best of luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): This sounds just like my mom and dad's relationship, sadly.
It really depresses me just thinking about how it is for them now. My mom never does anything anymore. She doesn't do any chores and she is disrespectful and rude to my dad. But she seems to just dominate him and seems like an exhausted, broken man who just doesn't have the willpower to try to improve things.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): Dump her. Dont waste anymore time. I am going through something similar and it seems as though we've entered the stagnant phase of a relationship. She came from a filthy home and I didn't. Enough said.
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A
female
reader, XxAngelDust89xX +, writes (8 October 2007):
 I have a suggestion for testing her, but it is major taboo so if you would like to know it send me a message.
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A
female
reader, XxAngelDust89xX +, writes (8 October 2007):
As much as i respect the commitment and sanctity of marriege, it sounds like you would be better off without her. Marrige is not 5%/195% (she gives 5 you give 195). You BOTH have to give 100% of everything you are and everything you have got to make a marriage work, and shes just not trying. Its sounds to me like you are her bank account not her husband.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 October 2007):
 After reading this the big question I have is where to start.
OK, talk about pointing fingers. Instead of starting to agree with you about her behavior let's look at yours. Your excuses. Your wording that tells a lot about this situation.
(my marriage, my home) Very seldom you'd say our, but most was my, my, my, my, my. So what's your excuse? You told her you ended the affair. Why is it not ended? You said you seek comfort with her. What you did was you took an innocent party and added her to this complicated situation. How fair is that to her? If she falls for you and you decide to stay with your wife, that's not right. Staying with her when you told your wife it was over is malicious behavior. You asked can you trust her to change. She sure and the hell can't trust you, can she?
You had a relationship in trouble, now you added adultery to it. Do you know what happens to guys who display malicious behavior and you add adultery to the issue, and they go to court for divorce. Let's just say you'd be leaving with your tail between your legs, and more than likely have some large checks to compensate her. I know she's done wrong. But she's done so in the marriage, you did so by going outside the marriage.
Do you know how many EXCUSES are accepted for adultery? ZERO Adultery is a choice not prompted by anyone else. She didn't make you cheat, you took the events that were taking place and made the conscious decision to do it on your own.
Now about the changes. The counseling you received, she's telling them what they want to hear. I've been to those types of counselors, my idea is make everyone happy so we can get the hell out of here and have lunch. I'm not a counselor, I work with behaviors not issues, so if someone is screwing up, I won't at all tell them their behavior is OK or justified. Behaviors can't change if you view it as being OK.
I've been in situations like yours quite a few years ago. How many times did I cheat, NONE. The difference is, my character, my ethics, my self esteem, my beliefs greatly outweighed the possibility of finding a fling. Now this might be shock the heck out of you but YOU ARE TEACHING YOUR WIFE TO TREAT YOU THIS WAY. We teach people how to treat us by setting our boundaries of treatment. For me, I deserve respect, when I date I can tell you, respect is one thing I will be given. I don't deserve to be cheated on, because that takes away from my respect, when I date, who I'm with know that no matter how much I love them as a person, if they cheat I have to immediately terminate our relationship. I might be hurt doing so, but I can't budge my boundaries of how I choose to be treated, once you do, poor behavior continues to repeat. And I DON'T DESERVE THE POOR TREATMENT.
I am really only touching on a couple of the issues I saw in your question. It would take all day to give details of everything from both sides. Most of them fall into this. Reestablishing your boundaries. Sitting down with her and instead of yelling listing what you see wrong and having her do the same, but also listing and discussing how these behaviors affect you, how you view them, how you see them as her disrespecting your marriage. Remember this is two sided so you must give her the same respect she gives you in discussing the issues. Even if she sees something different, don't question it, It's OK for the other person to see something different than you, that's where strength in a marriage comes. You strong views + her = strength.
Once you both have everything on the table and have expressed your concerns and feelings then you can develop a compromise. You're not going to get everything you want, and I'm sure she is not going to either, but you compromise to meet somewhere in the middle that provides benefit to both of you.
To the both of you, being disabled and having an illness means it's just takes a bit of extra work to get things done, It's not to halt all production. If you think someone needs to come in and assist with cleaning, discuss it. If not a business, most of us know at least one person who cleans houses on the side. Use someone you know. I wouldn't recommend the lady your having an affair with. When I was real busy working, and being a single parent, my kids had some teenage friend, they would come by when I was at work during the summer and help with keeping my kids room clean and misc. things I didn't have much extra time to take care of. It helped quite a bit.
One other thing to mention. Don't point fingers. You're not angry with her, your angry with her behavior. Remember if it's behavior your addressing you address it as the behavior you have a problem with. Addressing her directly as it's her as a person you have a problem with takes away from her sense of self, then you really won't get anything out of her.
I think there is something else going on here as well. How is she taking her diagnosis? Being diagnosed with anything, sometimes can make someone feel as if the world just ended. She may have had many excuses, but were they because she didn't want to, or were they because she had to make an excuse so she could continue to lay and wallow around in her own sorrow.
I was in a bad relationship once where I was the target of abuse. Yes it does happen to guys too. She was a Borderline Personality. It's the "love" "hate" disorder. The subject for the movie "fatal attraction" I've always been positive, but after that relationship ended i developed Major Depressive Disorder. I spent 6 months in bed aside from leaving to do what's absolutely necessary. Then when I left I would take the fastest routes, get it done, then hurry home to my comfortable bed. I too had a list of excuses not to leave. My dad even called to see if everything was medically OK with me because my son was worried. Don't rule out that this behavior may be partially caused by her feeling as if she is nothing.
Take care. And just remember a big problem about being with this other women is you bring you with you. Any time there are this many issues, it's unfair to be with anyone else, until the affect from the issues have been dealt with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): I do feel so sorry for you, you are a decent bloke thrust into this horrible situation. Your wife is ill, but i think she does play on the fact a bit.
A lot of blokes in that situation would of up and gone long ago, which is not the answer because i do feel sorry for your wife too. You have both got into a rut of doing things the way that you do. The rut or pattern can be quite hard to break but not impossible.
Firstly, why dont you both drawn up a plan of things you can both do together. I know she is ill but i am sure there must be something that she can help you do. Dont give her a few jobs and yourself, do them together. Have some fun with the jobs and dont turn every day into one long drudge. It is life or death if the house doesnt get cleaned so often, the dust will stay be there tomorrow. Can you both go out together, maybe a picnic in the park, yes even on a cold day, wrap up and have fun. Maybe there is something on the tv that you both like to watch, make something nice to eat, have a drink and curl up on the sofa together and watch it. Brush her hair will you are watching the tv or maybe rub some body cream into her legs, incorporate little things like that into everyday life and i bet the sex side will come. You need to let her know how important she is and special, say it and buy her a little gift.
BUT the answer is not running off with someone else. If you two do split up then have a period of being on your own before you meet someone else, but dont destroy her by going off with another woman. I know life is tough but it can be fun getting it back on track.
Do take care and keep in touch if you want.
xxx
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (8 October 2007):
How sad. Your wife has low self esteem and is depressed. She needs more professional help and may not get a lot better. One thing that may help is to give her a written list each day of things you want her to do. Make it small and reasonable, with a reward of something she wants you to do for her. Make it a fun game.
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