A
male
age
51-59,
*etalbones
writes:Hi Biggy issue. My wife drinks every night. Varying from half bottle of wine to half bottle of half bottle of vodka.? She spends roughly £60 to £80 a month on booze. I myself don't drink. Havent done for 2 yrs. Had a mishap with some morphine patches that put me into hospital. I don't have a problem with anyone drinking, had plenty of hangovers in the past, but she hides vodka around the house. I've found many of empties. I've tried to express my concern but its like clapping with one hand. She's on lots of meds. Fluoxetine 20mg, Co codamol 8/500. Omeprazole 20mg, in haler 200mg. I've tried to explain, even spoken to my own gp about this, that alcohol and pills don't mix. Specially co codamol. Also, the other worry I have is she has a job where she has to drive every day. Early morning leave the house. I worry that sometimes she is still over the limit. I have told her that if she does get pulled in, then its over between us. She asks me why we never have sex anymore and I ask myself. To be honest the smell of vodka and wine every night on her breath is quite off putting. I do love her but I feel that if things don't change then we could be parting company.I ask her not to drink on the odd occasion so we can get close..But another bottle appears as do the excuses. I was late because of roadworks, traffic. Rubbish. I find the receipts to the shops...The moaning starts she has no money. Fine. BUt always money for booze in the shape of a credit card.Money that isn't ours. I cant talk to her cos theres a row. So I bottle it up.I'm ready to blow.Another bottle hidden tonight. another night on edge. Another morning of wondering is she over the limit/////I really am ready to walk due to the constant lies and excuses. I'm so fed up.I feel at the mo, if I had the cash, I would leave for good...Please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2014): OP, you sound like there is more to it than just your wive's drinking problems. It sounds like her spending money on wine and vodka is quite a bit of an issue, since you don't drink. For you it is a waste of money. Its the same as for a non smoker see how a partner spends all these money on cigarets.I tend to agree with a poster who said that to drink couple of glasses of wine a day can't be considered a problem, unless these 2 glasses become 4 and it never ends. It sounds to me like lots of nagging is going on here. She hides alcohol, its pretty bad, but imagine if she never heard from you a negative comment about her drinking habits. Would she still hide bottles, or she would just have her couple glasses and be done with it?Some suggested rehab. Imagine she goes to rehab, they ask her how much you drink and she says:2 glasses of wine a day.I don't think they will even consider her as candidate for rehab.Also, you said she drives for work. does she drink during the day and then drives? You said it yourself:i never said she was an alcoholic, I lived with an alcoholic. So, you know what an alcoholic is and you also know well that she is not.Why I am saying all of this is because some people who are totally abstinent from either alcohol or other "addictions" like gambling tend to criticize people who do it recreationally harshly. Especially if money involved. My aunt used to be quite a social drinker before she married an awfull alcoholic. He was violent and eventually died from overdose. After that she became insanely critical of everyone who had a sip in front of her.With that said, your worries are legitimate and it bothers you. I think you guys need to go to a third party and see the situation more clearly.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 November 2014):
 OP, she's hiding her booze.. that's a sure sign of alcoholism or at least the knowledge that what she is doing is wrong. She is drinking every day... she is making excuses for why she drinks, she is spending money she does not have. SHE IS AN ALCOHOLIC and until you CALL her on it she will live in denial.
My husband is an active alcoholic and he was in shock when I showed him our bills at the liquor store (I do not drink it's all on him but his poison of choice is 10 yr old Taleskar at 60 dollars a bottle (two of those a week usually) thankfully we have enough disposable income that no bills go unpaid. FOR the first three years we were together (one yr married) he kept saying "I don't have a problem" I knew that the FIRST step in getting him sober is getting him to see he has a problem. SO I OUTED him. to his friends.. TO HIMSELF..
I called him an alcoholic. TOO HIS FACE. A year of "I am NOT an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings I'm a drunk" but NO actions meant he HEARD me but did not LISTEN to me. Finally about a year or so into my "I'm sick of your drinking you are an alcoholic and you need to get help" he finally started seeing the problem. He's NOT ready to quit drinking but he is at least at the "i have a problem and I need help" stage. that's the hard part. UNTIL she admits (and you admit) that there is a serious problem this will continue
I told our friends about it. I refuse to wake him to go to work and I refuse to make excuses for him. When he drinks and is disagreeable or angry I LEAVE. I have safety plans in place and multiple places to go when he drinks. I HOLD HIM ACCOUNTABLE for his BEHAVIOR at all times.
YOU GET DRUNK.. I GO SHOPPING.. he knows this now... his drinking costs him twice as much as it used to. I buy things I don't need but that I want when he drinks...since he doesn't need to drink but he wants to I get my addictions fed too.
If he wants to miss work and call in sick with a hangover it's on him.
I would rather know he's drinking so I can prep for the aftermath of it than have him hide it.
I assume she hides it because she knows your reaction is horrid to it.
If she is using your credit cards (the household or joint accounts) CANCEL those cards in her name. then she can't use your household money that is earmarked for other things.
Get thee to Al-anon ASAP www.alanon.org and find a support group to help you cope.
YOU can't change her. YOU can't make her stop drinking but you can control YOUR behavior and your reactions.
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A
male
reader, metalbones +, writes (19 November 2014):
metalbones is verified as being by the original poster of the question A reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2014):
I have been there too.
Thank you so much for your sound advice. It all makes so much sense.
I'll try to sit thru it, how long for? I don't know..
I know its taking me down with it, but theres world poverty, wars, people without homes....
I'll get there..
Thank you again. Yake care
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A
male
reader, metalbones +, writes (19 November 2014):
metalbones is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2014):
Few discrepancies in your post...
I asked for advice not a lecture. I thought your arrogance got the better of you.
I am desperate to sort this as I lived with an alcoholic before.
Yes she has missed work.
I didn't say she was an alcoholic.
and final, you have to be caught to be arrested. She's the lucky one.
good for your father inn law.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (19 November 2014):
 Your tone suggest that have almost reached the limit of your tolerance, which is very understandable.
Maybe try again to get her to get some help, talk to your GP again, hopefully he will give you some good, practical advise.
You don't mention children, so I will assume there are none to be considered.
Be honest with her, tell he you dont want to have sex because of the smell and the alcohol and drugs. Tell her you worry about what could happen if she is still under the influence in the morning when she drives to work. Tell her you are getting to a point where you don't want to carry on.
Tell her if the marriage is to survive she needs to make some changes. Tell her she needs to get some professional help.
Don't accept her word if she says she is going to stop, the fact she is already trying to hide the bottles indicates she is willing to lie about her consumption of alcohol and drugs.
Determine how long you are prepared to wait for a change before you walk away .... sure, I agree with the others who say she needs your support, but if that support is simply you being a crutch for the rest of your life ..... then forget it!
If there ARE children, that is a whole different ball game, for starters, there is no way you could remove yourself from the marriage and leave them there!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2014): I know it feels. I went out with a boy with drinking problems. I tried to help him for several years. But he still never wanted to change. I agree that u should support her and try find out why she drinks. But I also know sometimes it can be hard and one can only help so much, some people just dont want to be helped. But try your best to get her the help and support she needs. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2014): I have been there too. I recently divorced my husband because of many issues, mainly his drinking problem. I was co-dependent, meaning, EVERYTHING revolved around his mood, his moodswings, his choice to drink or not to drink ( 95 % he drank). And I felt SO sorry for him, that I wish it was me instead. He was also on medications, and he had been taking anxiety pills for over 10 years, and couple of years before we started to date. We were together for 7 years, and married for 2 before HE decided to not want me in his life anymore. I confronted him and I thought I would have his families support, but it turned out that most of his family members were also abusing alcohol and I got no ones support, which only made him think less of me unfortunately. I was there for him, made calls to doctors, therapists, ( I was a student back then so I didn´t work and depened on him financially) but I was very close on selling some of my jewls just to put him on rehab. What happened, was that, he came back realizing he did wrong, but contined and didn´t stop drinking. Like you say, I couldn´t be with him, I felt no connection, he was like two persons in one body, one day very kind, next minute someone else. And we didn´t have sex at all, not for over 1 year. He complained about it a lot, but NEVER did anything about it, I used to take the initiative up until the point I couldn´t take it anymore, and he tried to put it all on me. Now when we are divorced, no kids, he says he goes to therapy and takes medications on top of his anxiety medications, to simply cut down on his drinking. He has been calling me drunk several times, and denied being drunk ( but I am sure you are an expert too by now being able to tell when someone is drunk/tipsy etc). I can relate so much, and I am a female. I wish you hadn´t gone through this, but to be frank, there is nothing you can do. It is not your fault she doesn´twant to change, you can only do as much as you can before you realize you are being damaged too . I will give you an example that basically made me realize why I had to stop "trying to save" him. You know in airplanes, the parents are always adviced to put on the airmask on themselves first before they put it on their kids. See it like this, you cannot "save" her, if you are about to fall apart first. Talk to her, and give her time to think, and if she doesn´t seek help, make an appropriate talk and tell her that she deserves a better life, but so do you.Hope things turns out well, for both of you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2014): Few discrepancies in your post. If you wife drinks a bottle of wine every other day, that's 4 bottles of wine every week. Even with the cheapest wine it would be more than 80£ a month, unless she drinks the cheapest wine unknown to me. If she as you said mixes it up with vodka her Booz bill would be 3 times higher of what you mentioned. There is a huge difference between half bottle of wine and half bottle of vodka.Many people drink every night at dinner. That doesn't make them alcoholics. My father in low every single day for as long as I remember him drink 2-3 shots of vodka with his dinner. He is 86 and in good health. Half bottle of wine it's only 2 glasses of wine. While some non drinkers think it's an awfull lot. In fact it is not. In many countries people drink wine tHrough the day with their meals.,Two glasses of wine never made anyone alcoholics. The fact that she drives with high speed, some people just do. Has she ever missed work? Has she ever got DUIs? Was she ever in trouble with law because of her drinking?Is she driving under influence or she drinks at home? If she takes all this pills and drinks and then drives, long ago she would be arrested . There is noway she would get away with that for a long time. The only thing that you mentioned is that she hides alcogol could be the one that indicates she has drinking problems. This one is very typical.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2014): Do you think she suffers from depression? Drinking can make it worse, seems she is escaping into her drink. She needs help, to see a counsellor or somebody who knows about alcohol dependency. You need to view this differently, don't see it as her problem and threaten to walk out. Her drinking is a cry for help, but first she needs to admit she needs help. What is she taking pills for? Does she have some physical problems etc? Maybe its her health that's made her depressed. See the bigger picture, don't give up on her, be the support she needs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2014): I'm no way an expert but it cud be she's struggling to cope it doesn't have to be over ne thing big it cud be small things or she's lacking confidence as she gets older , there's usually a hidden problem that no1 wants to talk about , I wouldn't leave over this u need to give her support and not pile pressure to stop drinking it needs to be dun in baby steps u need to find support groups in ur area of how to deal with a drinker they'll be able to advise u on wot steps to take to help her and also look into groups where u can both go but don't jump straight into that yet she needs to admit she has a problem first just be there to support her not judge or get annoyed with her (just if u felt like it am not saying u do) hopefully she will open up and talk to u about wots wrong
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