A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing my boyfriend for two years and it was great for 6 months but then something horrible happened to me and I became extremely depressed. My partner helped me through that although at times it was awful, I didn't know if it was all my fault because I was basically 'nuts'. Whatever happened and no matter what he did to me it always ended up being my fault because as he said I was a fruitcake and should be lucky to have him. Within the last couple of months I've gotten over what happened to me and I know I'm all better, I'm actually quite happy and so much more at peace with everything. But I've noticed that it perhaps wasn't all my fault and he's actually not a very nice person. We went away on holiday last week and he barely managed to smile, he was quite miserable and we didn't really talk that much. My charger for my phone broke so when I got there I couldn't contact anybody, I don't know my mothers phone number as it's a mobile or anybody else's as they are mobiles so after two days my mam was worried and contacted my partners family to see if we were ok. He went absolutely mental that she'd done it and said that she was an interfering c***. I got in a massive argument with him and it escalated to saying my dad was a scrounging paedophile (he isn't and nobody would ever say such a thing), he said my mother should die and she's a retarded mongo, that I'm a whore and I have a head full of puss. It's absolutely disgusting all the things he's said to me and he isn't remotely sorry and thinks he hasn't abused me. I've broken up with him but I'm starting to think whether he has some kind of mental illness. Don't get me wrong I said bad things back to him as I was so angry at what he was saying, but not to that extreme. He's now text me saying his dad is dying, I said I'm sorry about it and I'll be there for him but his reply was that he didn't need me and he doesn't trust me and I'm a whore and started verbally abusing me all over again. He's text me 683 times in 3 days and phoned my place of work. I definitely don't want a relationship with this guy but I'm worried he's going to do something crazy. Do you think he's mentally ill or just an extremely horrible person, should I try to get him some help! I'm really worried that he'll do something to myself or family. I phoned the police about him before after an argument and because I ended up seeing him again I doubt very much they'd take me seriously again. What should I do? Do you think he's mentally ill?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2014): Thank you so much for your replies to me. He has seemed to have stopped now after texting a total of 732 times, thank God!
In response to why I got back with him after phoning the police before, I have no idea, I think I'm a soft touch most the time and he can be very charming and persuasive when he wants to be. I did feel a bit of guilt if he is mentally ill and I'm just abandoning him but I guess it's not my responsibility when he treats me with such contempt and half the time hates me.
I was really annoyed with my mother when she got that way only after 2 days, she does interfere sometimes but the way he carried on was extreme. There are so many more disturbing things that he said that are too awful and x rated to say on here. Lots of weird sexual things. The reason my mother worries is because the horrible thing that happened to me was me being raped unfortunately. When it happened nobody heard from me for days and a few months later I tried to commit suicide and took an overdose and none of my family heard from me for days then either. The trial for my rapist was only 2 weeks before we went on holiday and I think my mother is just worrying about how I feel. I suppose it's my fault that she's got that worried because I've done silly things in the past.
He didn't know that is dad was ill while we were away, he found out when we got home and the family that were contacted don't know, apparently he has only told my boyfriend that he is dying.
All of his behaviour is frightening and worrying me and I am going to stay away from him. Thanks to your replies I can see it isn't my responsibility to help him with his anger issues when he doesn't care about me at all.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 November 2014):
 He's an extremely horrible person.
He's probably not mentally healthy, but there is NO illness on earth that causes it's 'suffer' to abuse or exploit others. Please do not waste time or effort trying to get help for him. It would be very patronizing of you and he won't appreciate it.
It's a shame his father is very ill, but, OP, I strongly suggest you stay away from him or his family.
Cut ties once and for all, then you won't be abused.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2014): I don't think he's mentally ill but I do think your mother overreacted when she hadn't heard from you in two days, perhaps this is a pattern ofher nosy behaviour which oyu wouldn't notice as you're her daughter and it was a final straw on what's built up and on what was meant to be a peaceful holiday alone. It probably caused unnecessary worry to his family which if his father really is ill would have been very upsetting for your boyfriend as he doesn't want him to have more stress. The number of texts he has sent you is unprecedented, I'd report it to the police and tell him you've reported it so they are aware and can look out for you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 November 2014):
 If we say he's mentally ill it gives you an out to stay with him... think about it.
He may have mental illness but that does not negate or excuse his abusive nasty behavior.
683 texts in 3 days and calling work is stalking abusive behavior and I would stick to your guns and not have any contact with him.
and if he continues go to the police and get an RO as I would fear for your safety... he sounds like he can easily escalate from words to actions.
HE is not your repsonsibility and YOU do not need to get him help. I suggest YOU get some counseling to help you be strong and leave him... staying with someone who is this abusive is codependency at it's finest.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (19 November 2014):
 He's a psycho. Maybe he is mentally ill.
Tell him to stop contacting you. Stop all contact with him and block his number from your phone.
Get a restraining order if you have to.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 November 2014):
 I think it's a combo of both being a piece of crap human being and somewhat mentally ill.
I don't think mental illness is an excuse for this kind of abusive behavior and if I were you, I would soundly block him from my life.
If you feel threatened enough that you contact the Police, WHY go see him? That is like shooting yourself in the foot to fit a pair of shoes.
Keep a journal and write down if you see him, where and when. If he starts a fight in public WALK AWAY. TELL your family, make sure they know he isn't right in the head. If he shows up at your place DO NOT let him in, call the Police instead.IF he calls your work again, tell him to not call you any more. If he still does, hang up. YOU do not owe him anything.
And should you get him help? No. You can't fix this. But don't give him an INCH. No contact means ABSOLUTELY no contact. Change your locks if he had a key, consider changing your phone number as well as all passwords and so forth.
He attitude and personality is WHO he is, you didn't MAKE him this way. He was able to keep a semi "normal" facade the first 6 months and then gradually his "real" personality slipped out. Because you stayed he dropped the "normal" act and the abusive fella that "replaced" him is quite possible who he is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2014): Can I be honest with you?I fear that you will end up being with him anyway, because he has managed to get to you somehow.He has no right, NO right to put you down or verbally attack you and not even consider it. Even if he had considered and apologized, you should still be very very careful. I was only 24 ( I am 31 now) when I met my ex husband. At first, he was very caring, very charming and sweet ( the first couple of months), but eventually I noticed that he got very easily irretated at me over the smallest things, it went from him acting cold, to being distant, to giving me no affection at all, and whenever I asked him what the deal was, he managed to twist it and make me feel bad, as if it was my fault he was that way. I am sure you are a reasonable girl, because I know for sure that I am. He had anxiety problems and went on medications even before we started to date, but I took it upon me to help him, to always be there for him.. Needless to say, we ended up married despite all the bad signs. And today, after 7 years of being together, I am so broken and trying to recover and be that same girl I once was. I don´t know if I will ever be the same, but I know I will never make the same mistake again, never let down my guards for someone who doesnt deserve me first place..Who do I tell you this? Because I too was once where you are right now. Not married, had broken up with my ex several times because he talked bad, verbally and physically put me down, all the things you can imagine.. And I don´t wish anyone to go through what I have been through..His dad is dying right? That is not your responsibility, because you can only be as kind as you are and reply to him wishing him the best and giving him a friendly hand, if he STILL chooses to put you down, then it is his loss. Listen, please.. I used to write here and ask adivce about my ex husband when he was still my boyfriend. And almost everyone told me to RUN and never look back. The only thing I am glad for today, is that I don´t have any kids with him, and that was a conscious choice. All I can do right now is say the same thing, don´t reply back to any of his texts! I beg you! Don´t. You will eventually open up a window, and if he doesn´t appreciate that you will open up the door, and he will still not appreciate it until you have opneed up your entire heart again and I am very sorry to say this, but things will get worse. My best advice is to stop. Listen to yourself now when you still can, don´t allow him to talk to you at all. Don´t give him your lose ends, and be strong, believe in yourself. It is not about him not being normal, or that you have been on medications etc, it is about a committment and a healthy relationship. Stay away from him, don´t provoke him, don´t talk to him, even if he manages to write you texts, mails whatever, don´t respond. You know what will happen when you don´t respond?He will continue!! But this time, he will realize he has "lost you for good" so he will try to charm himself back into your life. Right now, the only thing that keeps him going is that he knows he has always plan B to fall back on, and that is to charm himself into your life. It is going to happen, mark my words. And when it happens, don´t, for love of god, fall for it. Stay out of it. No respond, no text, nothing. Silce is the best answer.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 November 2014):
 He is both horrible and mentally ill. Don't have to worry about the official label. I think he's only comfortable when you feel low and can berate you. Once you want to do something active with him he couldn't stand the stress. I actually have to look up the word fruitcake. I know it's something derogatory. Having depression is not to be ashamed of. He should have been understanding, supportive, instead of making you feel worse than you already had been. If he couldn't handle it he could have told you he needed space. Your emotional issues did not cause his. It's a separate thing so he could not blame this on you but himself.
Your boyfriend has not done anything that requires physical restraint but the police will be ready to help you if necessary. All you have to do is be strong and keep ignoring his texts. If you can change your number that would be great too because just seeing a text coming will cause you stress.
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