A
female
age
36-40,
*eedyourhead
writes:I have been poly and pansexual since I can remember. I met my wife 4 years ago. She is also pansexual and poly, but unexperienced in the lifestyle. We have had threesomes together (all with men) in that time, and even found ourselves a boyfriend, who we've been in a triad with for a year now. We've talked about having separate relationships - we both agreed that it would be okay as long as communication is completely open and nothing left out. I've been in a jail work-release program now for a little over two months. She started a new job just before I went in. She told me pretty quickly into the new job that she was interested in a guy and wanted hang out with him. Of course, it was fine. Slowly I began uncovering things like he has a wife, he has a baby. They've been hanging out more than I knew about (went to bars after work - just the two of them) - none of these things bother me. We recently spoke about her getting back on birth control since now she'll be sleeping with another man outside out triad. She agreed - AND SAID HERSELF that she would wait to sleep with him until after she got on the birth control. I've had a nagging feeling that something more has been going on than I was being told. She'd been helping them move into a new place, spending long days with them, and then spent all of Memorial Day weekend with them, during which I barely heard from her. A week later I started asking questions - have you made out? have you had sex? are you falling for him?Yes they've made out (the wife too), yes they've had sex (the wife too), yes that thinks she could eventually love him. Now I'm hurt. Because she explicitly told me she'd wait until she started the medicine to hook up. Because she is apparently also involved with the wife. Because she has become distant with me while I'm in a very tough period in my life. Because she has been shirking more than one familial and personal obligation while this has been going on.Am I right to be bothered? To feel lied to and even BETRAYED? To have become untrusting of her? I love my wife more than anything, but I feel like she's been hiding a lot more from me than I've realized. This is throwing our whole relationship into jeopardy as far as I'm concerned.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2019): You're describing "novice" behavior. You're a veteran at all this, and you play by the rules. Your experience and ability to handle so much at one-time places you at a greater advantage. She's a victim of circumstance; and the odds are likely she'll get caught-up emotionally, a little too enthusiastic; and being a woman, a lot more emotionally involved when it comes to sex.
Being an old-veteran; you know that when you're exposed to multiple partners, you increase the chances that you'll go free-lance. You might fall in-love with somebody else; or get bored with each other when there's always someone new and exciting with a whole new experience to offer.
My friend, having multiple partners and inviting people into your marriage throws your relationship into jeopardy, all by itself. She's not fully to blame. There has to be a downside to all this anyway!
You knew this was bound to happen. Either you're still in-it, or should get out of it.
Ironically, you're being tested by the very thing you thought you could gamble with; and figured you'd always come-up a winner. There's risk in testing or playing the odds, sir! Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose! The more people you're exposed to; the more you'll test your emotions and feelings. The more you tempt fate!
That's why it's an "alternative-lifestyle!" You're not supposed to expect monogamy or normal. It's not that kind of relationship!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (5 June 2019):
 Please don't take this the wrong way but I would recommend you ask this question on a forum which caters for this sort of relationship. I say this because we have had a small number of people involved in "alternative" lifestyles on this forum before and there was a distinct lack of aunts and uncles who could speak from experience and advise them in any way which did not either sound patronizing, critical or just completely clueless. I believe there are numerous such forums out there which would be better suited to helping you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2019): Sorry i just don't get it, you are okay with her sleeping with other people but get upset if she doesn't follow some rule code?
At the end of the day that is the risk you take when you allow each other to have an open relationship, people can catch feelings for other people. You may think you are being generous in allowing her to sleep with others but with that in my opinion you have to accept she may not follow the 'rule code' of it just being sex and nothing else....
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 June 2019):
 You need to set out firmer rules. Why have a marriage if that isn’t your primary relationship in a poly lifestyle? They’re new to her, so you’re not as fun to spend time with.
Time to sit down, tell her how you’re feeling and fix this or let the marriage go. Poly doesn’t work if you break the rules. In this case, your marriage should be the primary and others are just additional. Your novelty has worn off now that she’s met them and you need to communicate extensively to work this out, if it’s possible.
People will tell you it’s lack of morals to have an open or poly relationship, but you just need firmer boundaries you BOTH want and agree to or not be together. Maybe she’s less into poly and more just into non-committal sex.
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