A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:We've have been married five years and it's all going the opposite way for me. The thing is I can - literally- count the number of times we've made love. according to her the very first night we did she was tired and would rather not have- and that was the night we got married. It has been the case to date. Obviously something aint right cos I dont feel we've ever hit it off sexually. She says I have sex on my mind all the time , but thats probably because I dont get it. I feel the need have a sexual relationship elsewhere and am almost convinced this would not really bother her, if she's interested in sex it dont seem to be with me. I am beginning to resent her and though we've had endless talks about matters , seen counsellers, we seem to be in a cycle we cant get past. Though I love my wife I really cannot go on like this there just seems to be no point to having a relationship with someone who is seemingly so self centered. Any and all advice welcomed.DAWED
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): Well, you could court her, woo her, and try to get her back in the sack. You could also start going to a pro. Let me pose this question to the ladies that read this thread: is it better for a man to be miserable and hound you for sex that you have no interest in or to see a pro, get his needs taken care of, and get back to you. I remember reading a study somewhere that said men would be more upset if their wife/so had sex with another man, but that women would be more upset if their man had an emotional relationsihp with someone else. If that's the case and you're one who doesn't want to have sex, why not let your main just satisfy his needs elsewhere? IT's like if he needed a tennis partner and you hated tenis.
A
male
reader, newstud1  +, writes (22 May 2010):
I understand this man completely...been there done that...I do all those things that the women responders reply to such as romancing, doing the chores, gifts, compliments, etc. I am the one who does the work in and outside of our home...she occassionally will do the dishes and the other times she sits on her butt and reads or watches television...I am a very fit male...I work out constantly and am in great shape...I have never cheated...I feel theleast she could do is at least pretend to have sex or even like it...it is causing a big strain on our marriage...she is always tired...always...she has gone to the doctor and he tells her that there is no medical problem...I will stay married but not fulfiled....when I have tried to talk with her about this it NEVER turns out good...I pray about this often and pray for the best way to approach her about the situation...so far nothing from her...so from another guy's point of view I totally understand and I do not know where to go from here either...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): I fully expect that my response will be received with some resistance and am fully prepared to take whatever flak arises from what I have to say. I too, am in a similar situation, I am 31 been married just over 4 years and have found that my wife is not at all interested in sex. What is worse is that her standard response when I have brought this up is "you can have it whenever you want it". First and foremost this is not true, secondly, I am not looking for a warm body, I want to be with my wife and so I suppose there is much more than sex I have been looking for. I have been respectful and clear about my concerns and how difficult it is for me to live without almost any sexual contact. I have always made time for her and those things that are important to her, regardless of my feelings about them, I at the very least, take an interest simply because it means a great deal to her. I do this freely and expect nothing in return sexually, but rather would appreciate a similar approach to things that I feel are important. I am an educated man, in good shape, and work as an airline pilot which keeps me away from home but not as much as you probably think. I have never been unfaithful, and every single time I leave the house is clean, laundry is done, cooking is done in many cases i.e. I overcompensate when I am home because I know that when I am gone she has to deal with everything alone. She works full time as I do and we have no children, so in many ways if you really looked at it I am doing a disproportionate amount of the work, which I am fine with. What is difficult for me to understand (and here is where I expect to take the flak) is that in these threads and almost all other ones it is always the man's responsibility to raise the bar so the woman can keep her end of the deal. Marriage vows are not only till death do us part and do not be unfaithful. It is also about taking care of the others needs and putting them first. Stereotypically this means, sometimes men do laundry, sometimes we wash the dogs, sometimes we cook dinner, sometimes we iron work clothes for her, and at the end of the day what is important is that we support each other no matter what life is throwing at us. I for one am tired of the implication that men need to constantly create a feminine environment for a woman to feel comfortable and grateful enough to spent effort in the bedroom. I, and many other men, do things that are not innately male, and certainly not masculine. Trips to bed bath and beyond, or shopping for curtains (window treatments for us married guys), do nothing for us, but it is part of solidifying two peoples lives together, it is about compromise, putting spouses needs at the very least, on our list of things to pour effort into. Sex is no different from anything else in life, its not easy, it takes work, and both people in the relationship need to care, and try, selflessly to compromise and find balance. This does not mean because we are male, having sexual needs is a negative thing. Just as being female requires (in most cases) a deeper emotional connection. Men have spent the last quarter century trying to become better spouses and women have, in the bedroom at least, maintained a negative association with male sexual needs. It is time that we both stop expecting something for nothing and work in the interest of both sides of the marriage, and ladies, that means stepping back at times, and as long as we are upholding our end of the bargain, respond in kind. Honestly, and without resentment, as we (or at least a good percentage of us) have been learning to do for you. If you are not making your spouse happy (sexually or otherwise) own that fact, take responsibility and work for your significant other, both in and out of the bedroom.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2007): follow up...
However, you would think a loving wife and friend would hit the ball around with you a little bit...once and a while.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2007): Sex is like any other activity...take Tennis for example...she may have been into Tennis when you met her...or she may never have been into it, but tried for the sake of the relationship.
She will NEVER want to play all the time (if ever) and she will never aspire to be good at it.
If you want to play Tennis...find someone who wants to play with you.
If you could never play Tennis with anyone but your wife...then GET USED TO NOT PLAYING TENNIS...she doesnt like it as much as you do.
It is really that simple.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2007): As others have mentioned, your wife's lack of sexual desire/interest MAY be caused by many things, but, if she never has had any or much desire since you knew her, it's probably just the way she was born. Recent research is showing that a susbstantial percentage of women are indeed minimal-to-no-libido. I've been in a similar situation for 27 married years. We have great communication and have discussed this issue for countless hours through the decades, and tried everything within our means to do, but nothing has changed the case that she just does not need sex. I do give her the attention, help, support, and non-sexual affection she otherwise needs. Frustrating? Absolutely, and painfully so -- I have a strong libido. We probably shoud not have married, and wouldn't if we'd known then what we realized later.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): If she doesn't have any type of problem such as depression, hormone imbalances, and the like, then the best advice I can give you is to make her feel loved. You have to figure out what her love language is and do whatever it is that she loves. The problem that we men have is that we tend to like to give our spouse whatever our love language is and that doesn't make our spouse feel loved. Mine is touch. Her's is quality time. If I go out of my way to spend quality time with her or do things for her that show that I am thinking of her, it does wonders. If I do what I like, which is touching (mostly non-sexual), it doesn't do a thing for her, but makes me feel loved.One other thing that I would say is when you make love to her, think of her needs only. Don't focus on your own. We're guys. It doesn't take much for us to get satisfied. At least that's the way it works with me. If your goal is to please her every time out of the starting gates and not worry about your own needs, she will come around... pun intended. If you don't know what she likes, ask her. If she doesn't know what she likes, experiment with her to help her find what she likes (which can be great fun). You start focusing on her and I bet her attitude will change.My two cents.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): Same as me mate. 14 years, loads of talks but still no sex. But It aint her problem is it. She aint the one suffering is she?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2007): Sex is an interracial part where to people who "love each other desire each other, now as for what your situation.Maybe you two never got past the friendship part of the relationship, you to do love each other but not as husband or wife.There depression, thyroid gland can also have an affect, childhood trauma, did she get any pleasure out of the times you were intimate...? Without knowing the full story that’s the best insight I can give.
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (10 February 2007):
 This will never get resolved if you stay with your wife. If life there are basically two sexualities: sex people and NOT sex people. Sex people think about sex, have sex and love sex. If they don't get sex they get cranky.
NOT sex people couldn't care less about sex. They're happier reading the paper, checking their emails or doing their job. If two opposites marry, the marriage Will Not Work, sadly. And I've never heard of a NOT sex person suddenly turning into a sex person.
Sorry if it hurts but that's my view and I believe it to be true. Good luck with whatever you do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2007): Hi, a couple of things come to mind...first off, if you really rarely have sex this is not a lot of fun and does nothing to help you feel closer to your wife.
I noticed the age group that you are both in I assume...I have heard that a lot of women when nearing the big M, lose their sex drive because of hormonal changes. She also could be suffering from a chemical imbalance in the brain called "depression" even mild depression can be responsible for low libido.
I recommend that she get a complete physical and talk to her doctor candidly about her lack of sex drive. This is not normal, and she may need anti depressants, hormones and the like to get her feeling more like herself.
I doubt it has anything to do with you or your relationship, but if the medical route does not fix this issue, then it may be a case of mismatched sexual drive and this may not be an issue that you can resolve....sorry to say.
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A
female
reader, TygersDream  +, writes (10 February 2007):
 The key to persuade somebody is to appeal to their senses. Have you been to a sex counselor/therapist? What does your wife like? What kind of lover are you?
What was your courtship like? Was it romantic? What did she like? WHat made her say YES to you in the first place? More essentially - what is her sexual background? Are her parents distant with each other, was she sexually abused?
What did she say during your counselling sessions? Maybe you're not fulfilling her other needs. if you try to fulfill them, maybe she will be relaxed and more loving towards you.
Don't say anything about sex. Don't do anything that means you want to have sex. Try courting her again. Try being a friend. If you love her, love her unconditionally and without expectation. I know it's hard when you WANT to have sex and there's no other outlet than pleasing yourself, but please try.
At the end of the day, however, you have to find out if she loves you. Is she in love with you or does she just tolerate you?
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