A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm totally confused over whats going on - I normally sleep really well. I recently couldnt sleep and heard my wife orgasm harvesting (masterbating) - she had several orgasms it seemed at different times of the night. she would have an orgasm(s) then sleep then have another O then sleep....she didnt know i was awake - the next day I commented about "mommy having a really good dream last night" she claimed she didnt remember - but seemed to smile. the next night I cuddled and massaged her for a while but she was tired and didnt want to have sex - and in an hour was masterbating quietly. I cuddled with her that morning but she was too tired to have sex. I got up to walk the dog and heard her masterbating with her vibrator. this confused me and bumbed me out alot. the next night she very quietly brought a dildo to bed thinking i was asleep and again had a multi session night. this time I tried to join in - in a fun non intrusive way - but "she was sleeping and wanted to know why i woke her up". I was about 100% sure she wasnt sleeping. I've noticed that she seems very active with her toys - like at least once a day (during the day) - which used to be a fun part of our sex life together. I also notice that there are no hugs, kisses or contact unless i make the move. We don't seem to have sex unless i initiate it.I've talked to her about that but she doesn't have an answer. We havent talked about the nightly masterbating vs having sex with me yet - I'm kind of staggered that this is going on - so i'm looking for advice - any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): I certaily agree that you need need therapy as a couple. This situation must be very hurtful and distressing for you. She obviously has emotional/psychological issues. I cannot imagine a happily married and emotionally mature woman preferring masturbation with herself over having sexual relations with her husband.
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (13 February 2010):
 It sounds to me that you are getting to the heart of the matter. In other words, she is likely using masturbation to relieve stress, which is essentially what sex is "partly" about anyway. I mean, it is ideally associated with a lot of things.
Love, commitment, sharing, giving, receiving, trust, security, acceptance, communication, freedom, feelings, fun, excitement, arousal, anticipation, pleasure and much more - but ideally, the ultimate result also includes a very satisfying release of stress.
Once achieved through orgasm, the partners then revert back to love, comfort, relief and restfulness. Spirituality can also be an ingredient. My original point remains that if you are her primary source of stress relief, which we all need, then the secret masturbation relief may at least become less needed or prevalent. Still, some is natural. Be each other's comfort and all the things mentioned, continually, and all should be fine.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all the positive & constructive responses - so a little more information - masterbation is and has been - from the beginning, been a part of our sex life and at one time or another - we've both participated in masterbating each other. pleasuring each other. We both do it - so i dont think this is a discovery type adventure - also we both know we do it and consider it normal.
The part that seemed abnormal was doing it in bed while i was supposed to be asleep - with toys or with fingers.
I've brought it up now 2 times - in a fun way - but she still wont agree that she was masterbating in bed... Since I've brought it up I dont think the toys have been coming into bed anymore - I cant say about the activity of the fingers - she's become very quiet - no more sighs or other noises... I suppose i can live with that -
One question i have regards her stress levels - my wife is very involved with our kids public schooling and has been going thru a VERY stressful situation with the local school board and teachers. a re-org/re-districting with parents advocating against the Board/teacher recommendations for budget reducing changes - its gotten ugly and she's VERY stressed by the responses shes getting from what she thought was a professional community -
Her habit - when stressed is to not sleep - endlessly thinking about the situation at hand.
is she releasing the stress with all masterbating?? - and therefore the increased frequency ??
- also an update to DoubleM's recommendation - I focused on the "she comes first" concept and techniques last night - and got a double digit response and i believe she had a restful full nights sleep
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily2009  +, writes (11 February 2010):
BE VERY CAREFUL HOW YOU APPROACH HER
she could be doing this for a number of reasons
this could be something new that she discovered and wants to explore it
I have an issue as well with my husband and masterbation he materbates in the bathtub to porn than says no when i offer him sex
i took this very personally and after i took time to calm down i told him that i felt rejected and hurt and that i just wanted to explore my sexuality with him and reminded him how much he did it for me
he told me that he was havin some concerns and malfunctions in that area and we are working on it
TRUST YOUR WIFE AND CALMLY WORK IT OUT
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): You obviously don't do it for her. She has probably spent years pretending that you please her and you fell into a comfort zone without finding out what her needs are. Now that she is finally getting pleasure, be grateful its a toy and not some guy at the office.
Trying to humiliate her by catching her in the act is childish. That will make her close up and not communicate. I imagine that you have also spent a fair amount of time jacking off during this marriage.. So learn to accept it. A clever man would try get in on the action instead of getting angry. Tell her you fantasize about watching her, then if she let's you, watch and learn. As for giving oral, the key to her enjoying it is the same one that unlocks your enjoyment or oral: enthusiasm. You have act like you can't get enough of it or she will fake orgasm just to spare you the lock-jaw. The second key to paradise: make sure your wife gets her orgasm before you get yours. If she is satisfied then you will be too.
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A
female
reader, jc82 +, writes (10 February 2010):
 Don't allow her to lie to you. You are laying in bed next to her, catch her out. Tell her you aren't angry, that you just want to talk about it. In my opinion, excessive masturbation that leads to the exclusion of sex with your partner is wrong, and nearly cruel. You deserve some kind of explanation. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (10 February 2010):
 Because I'm an inquisitive kind of guy, I ask women questions, and you what women are - talkative! Ha, a generalisation I know, but when women talk, men should listen.
Lots of women do this. Some do it because their partner comes in 3 minutes flat, rolls over and passes out. Others do it because penetrative/vaginal sex is not what makes them have orgasms. Women know exactly what to do to themselves, how hard, and how fast. Men are generally a little clumsy, or not particularly bothered.
It seems that you feel a little threatened by your wifes masturbation. This has only recently become a problem, which suggests that YOU felt that your sex life was good enough before you were disturbed in your sleep. This is not sex with you v masturbation. This is sex with you PLUS masturbation on top. Clearly, your wife has a higher drive than you realised.
So what is your problem, exactly? You were happy before you knew, you should be even happier now. Because the potential for an increase in sexual activity exists.
Embrace the fact that your wife loves orgasms, and allow her to continue her nocturnal activities. Simply suggest that she brings the toys back into your normal sexual relationship. If you feel jealous of or threatened by a plastic or silicone battery operated toy, then you are the one with issues. The toys give her orgasms, and you can too. The toys cannot give her an emotional connection like you can.
You and your wife have stopped communicating in the bedroom. Don't be shy, talk about it OUTSIDE of the bedroom before taking positive action in it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): well have you ever thought that maybe she doesn't like sex anymore. Maybe she has alot going on her life rite now and she is trying to figure it out and she needs time to herself?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): She sound addicted to me. Why would she play around several times at night, regularly, instead of sleeping? Is she very tired in the day-time? Does she sleep during the day? If she does, it could be because she's staying awake at night!
That night you were 100% sure she was masturbating, couldn't you reach the toy to prove it? I say, so far you have suspicions, you haven't busted her red handed. Next time she starts at night, just ask her what she's doing and if she's LYING about masturbating, she has a problem. People who are addicted will lie about what they are doing, and pretend they don't. It's like she's sneaking away with bottles if she was an alcoholic.
An addiction to orgasms isn't too bad, it has no negative health effects. But, when this is intruding with your sleep as well as hers, your sex life, and your marriage, it's about time to get it up on the table and out in the open.
Next time you notice it, bust her. Catch her red handed. Then get it out in the open and tell her what you feel her constant masturbating is doing to your relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the info doublem - her libido definitely remains high - as per oral - I do perform - and possibly should spend more time in that "coreplay" but more often then not I get the response "oh you dont want to go down there" referencing it might not be in an oral friendly condition. I generally dont mind spending time there regardless of condition - so maybe your book recommendation is a good one. what bothers me is that it appears she's stopped trying to develop our sex life into something better - it appears to be my responsibility or it goes down hill from here -
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (10 February 2010):
For whatever reason, it would seem that her libido remains quite high and that you are not apparently "doing it" for her anymore. By that, I mean pleasing her sufficiently. The obvious question would be whether you provide her oral satisfaction (cunnilingus).
Even if you do, however, I think that she has developed quite a "relationship" with her toys, apparently as a replacement for her stimulation. Masturbation should be considered normal to some degree, but if I were you I'd put the tongue to more use. Intercourse alone is often not enough for many women. The best book I've ever read on the topic is "She Comes First" by Dr. Ian Kerner.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (10 February 2010):
Wow. You have some serious issues here. I'd try to talk to her about it again. Sounds like you two might need couples therapy.
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