A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, hope many of you can help here.Me and my wife are ahppily married and have been for sometime we normally are very open with each other and can tell each other anything but since last Thursday shes been finding life very hard. She lost her dad to a liver disease which he had suffered from for quite a while and was originally in hospital to get a liver transplant-it literally would have only been another week or so until he could of had it and at the time the chances of him being alright and able to cope until then were very high until he took a turn for the wost on wednesay. I know how hard it is for her and how upset she is but she holds it all back, everytime i ask her if shes ok or needs anything she says shes fine. She trys to act like there nothing wrong and that life gotta go on, which it has but evntuially. Its not that she doen't greive becuase theres certain times of the day when she seriously crying inside and needs someone, you can see the tears in her eyes yet she still holds it back. All i want to do is hold her,talk to her n cuddle her which is all we used to do but now everytime i see her upset although its killing me i just freeze up, say the wrong things and although i try and cuddle her for some reason i feel very unease and uncomfortable and i don't know why becuase i love her with all my heart and she know that and that if she needs me i'm here so i don't see why i'm getting like this, i don't know if its because i feel abit scared inside and don't know it because as i said i'm not i just feel uncomfortable partly like i'm not helping her and i feel helpless because i know really theres nothing i can do-i can't bring him back, i can't take the pain away. She admitted to me last night that shes scared of loosing me which she won't and knows it. Please can someone help, all repolys willl be greatly appreciated . I don't want to feel uncomfortable around her when shes like this,people have told me its not wrong to feel uncomfortable, i want to be there for her more,and help her through this bad time how can i do this?thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Reebe +, writes (27 March 2007):
 You both feel scared and angry, especially your wife. She will not be in control of her emotions right now, so if she lashes out just be there for her, of course you feel uncomfortable round her because your scared of saying the wrong thing and making her feel worse, but you won't, also because you know there is nothing you can do to ease her pain.
The only thing you can do is be there when she needs a hug, to shout, to cry and to complain. There is no quick fix and it might take a few weeks until she starts to let you in and feels that she can let it all out. Remember not to take any of it personally, everyone grieves in a different way and she will be so glad your there when she's ready for you.
Don't panic, you will get it wrong, trying to hug her when she doesn't want it and such, but keep listening, keep asking, and keep hugging and making her feel comforted and in time this hard time will be over and you and your partner will be a lot stronger.
Good Luck and take care.
A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (27 March 2007):
 Hey, I have not exactly been in the same situation like you but when my partner's grandmother passed away (they were very close), I also had that feeling of freezing up and not quite knowing what to do. It's like I was afraid of doing anything because it might be the wrong thing to do.
So I did pretty much what you did. I held him. I told him I was more than willing to listen if he wanted to talk about her. I made him tea when he was feeling down and I tried to do more of the everyday things around the house so that he wouldn't feel overwhelmed by trying to compose shopping lists for the supermarket in the middle of grieving.
Basically, I did everything I could think of just so he would know I was backing him up. And that's all I could do.
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