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male
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anonymous
writes: Married 7 years have 2 kids. Wife cheated in 1st year of marriage. Tried to deal. Can't deal. Been 2 therapy (couples and single off an on over that time)Have had strings of affairs since. Met a woman I feel is pretty damn suited 2 me. Still bitter towards wife...feel there is no chemistry and feel misunderstood and needs will never be met. Do i pack it in or am I supposed to keep flogging this dead horse? Oh...do I love the wife...don't think so. Can't tell if new person is real thing or this is just lust. What next? Leave marriage? Dump mistress? Carrying 2 much anger and bitterness over affair (still!)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2006):
Keep beating the dead horse.
Yor have a string of affairs you are on a mission to get even. That doesnt just happen.
However the only one you will be getting even with is your kids. Stop the spiteful behavior and see if you two can work something out like adults.
I think it is unlikly the new person is the real thing; it is more likely you are looking for another weapon to throw in your wifes face.
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (16 November 2006):
 Why not have a break from the wife + mistress and sort your head out on your own. With all these things going on in your life you haven't got the time to focus on what you want or need. It sounds like your marriage failed a while ago so walk away as you have been unable to cite anything positive about your relationship with your wife. However, don't expect the new woman to heal your pain...she is only human and not your therapist. She will have needs in a relationship too and maybe you are not in the right state of mind to meet those right now. If you are meant to be with your mistress then a trial separation will give both of you the space to realise that. Whats more, if you care about her then you won't want her to be dragged into a messy divorce case. Try to keep it dignified for the sake of your kids and spend some time alone.
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A
female
reader, Arabyesque +, writes (16 November 2006):
It's time for a divorce. This marriage is dead. You don't love her, you're having sex with other women and you're obviously miserable. Stop putting yourself, your soon-to-be-ex-wife and your kids through hell. You haven't said a single positive thing about your marriage in your question, so, seriously, stop being a coward and just end it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2006): No, you do not stay in this unhappy marriage nor do you take up with your mistress. You are so riddled with so much pain and emotional baggage that I recommend you do not take this into a new relationship nor can you stay and carry on in your marriage, feeling as angry as you do. This is not fair to both women. You leave and go it alone. I am not saying you divorce-just separate for awhile and see where that takes you.
You have children, they will have to be considered. Keep your obligations to them, no matter what you decide. Sometimes children are the glue that keeps marriages together. In this case..it's not fair to them because with your anger, your marriage is emotionally barren and likely so troubled, that is no gift to these children. I can say without a doubt, kids are much better off with one happy, thriving parent, than they are with two who are decietful and fighting, and living with the constant stress and pressure.
Most importantly, you need to get some individual counselling to find out why you are hanging onto so much bitterness. Start with your family doctor and get some referrals.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2006): So much anger.......look I honestly feel that this is so common with men.they jump from one relationship to the next because they are absolutely terrified of being alone...Yes your wife did the wrong thing but your responses to it show me a deep fear of desertion...This is an issue about you that YOU must deal with...it wont be healed by jumping straight in to another relationship.
Partnerships formed through affairs have less than a 2percent chance of survival according to stats. This seems to be because people simply bring their old baggage to a new partnership.
What the heck is wrong with leaving the wife and the mistress, having some headspace and getting to know YOU...Face your demons!!!! No other human being on the face of this earth can be responsible for your happiness EXCEPT YOURSELF. Good luck with this one ...and I hope you have the inner integrity to face your issues.
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