A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know this is a weird topic, but bear with me here.Over the years I have caught my wife flirting with strangers. I would not say it happens often, but maybe once every couple of years. I don't think anything has come of these momentary obsessions but I have called her on it. She says that she's just flirting and she will stop if it bothers me. As far as I know this has been true. Recently, however, I caught her flirting online with an ex-lover. He even called her on her cell a few times. When I found out I told her that I thought this was more serious since they had slept together before and obviously had chemistry. She disagreed and we had an argument. She says it is actually way more innocent since they are just catching up but it doesn't sit well with me.I realize every situation is different but if you caught your spouse with another person would you be more upset if it was a stranger or an old flame? Or do they weigh the same in your mind? I can see where both could be dangerous, but something about it being an ex just bothers me tremendously more than it would if she was just chatting to a guy at a bar.
View related questions:
flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014): The same rule applies to any other form of cheating. Its betrayal if she is hiding it from you.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 July 2014):
 I sometimes want to ask what folks define as "flirting"
I don't flirt online when I'm partnered... it can be easily misconstrued and it takes effort.
In real life, on the other hand (IRL, OTOH) I flirt like I breathe... it's part of my life.
I once asked my husband if it bothered him that I flirt so much and he laughed and said "no, to you it's like breathing, you can't not breathe and you can't not flirt"
but he finds it amusing... possibly because by the 3rd or fourth "flirtation" I've mentioned my husband and what our plans are that night or weekend. I make it VERY clear that my flirtations are fun and games and time wasters only...
NEVER is flirting done as a means to an end.
I sense that in this case, that's not what's going on since her flirtations bother you.
Is one worse than the other... that depends. are they the exact same thing.... probably not.
Are they both going to lead to bad behavior on her part, I have no clue, neither would on my part but then I'm not your wife and I have no clue why she does it or what her motives are.
You say you caught them flirting and she says they were just catching up... well which is it... have you actually SEEN her conversations or are you making an assumption that because she was in contact with an ex it must be flirting?
To be honest I would be least inclined to flirt with an ex. I much prefer to flirt with unknowns... so much more fun.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 July 2014):
They would both upset me. If I was you if have an open minded, non confrontational conversation about what drives her to do this. In my opinion if something isn't fixed she'll eventually take it to the next level.
In her defense I've spoken to my ex before with zero intention to cheat. I had the perfect opportunity but just wouldn't do it. I didn't put myself in a position that saying no was difficult, I think that's the key.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 July 2014):
 I would say in general an ex lover is more of a threat but it depends on the person. Some people do not respect marriage and will do more than just flirting. The ex lover probably knows you are married but strangers don't unless she wears a ring every day. When strangers see a ring they stay away. But when an old lover pops up in her life he wants to win the challenge. Each time they meet, it starts out innocent but they may gradually play with fire. He wants to know if she didn't marry you would they still have a chance together. Men, single or not, like to sniff out whether people are truly happily married. The fact that she continues to flirt makes him happy that he's able to make her stray. Even if she gives in to a little bit of flirting it means he wins, because she's not supposed to when she has a husband. I don't have interests chatting up old lovers. Even just to see if the spark is there is disrespectful to the husband. Friendship with ex lovers has no place in a committed marriage.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014): Both kind of flirts are the same because they eventually all lead to the same place which is the bedroom. You either have a woman who is sexually uninhibited and sees infidelity as normal or a woman who is signaling you with her infidelity that you are neglecting her. Reason why I'm surmising that she likes infidelity is because she flaunts her ex lovers in your face so openly when typically that is kept hidden. If it's neglect then you may want to change your ways and give her more attention (you be the guy she is flirting with). If more attention fails you may have to look for another woman.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014): Maybe your wife is only pretending to be "flirting" with the idea of an affair. I find it odd that she always gets caught in the process(?)!! Could it be she is doing this to get your attention?
How do you happen to know she's flirting online, and that she made calls? Do you snoop through her phone and message history? Is she aware of it? She's awful sloppy, if she's going to cheat on you.
You say she doesn't do it often. There are ways and degrees of flirting. Can you be more specific? You didn't mention the content of what was said in the online flirting. Was she making arrangements to see her ex-lover, or did you put two and two together?
I don't know how much of your issue is jealousy/possessive-insecurity; and how much is about a wife who is up to no-good.
You don't seem to have an open channel of communication.
There is something lacking, and you're not recognizing it; or there is a serious lull in your love-life, and you're in denial.
I can say with certainty, you're afraid to have a in-depth discussion about what's going on with your wife.
You argue for the purpose of admonishing her; not to determine what she's feeling or thinking. You're sensing she wants a divorce, and you'll have none of that.
Well then, you're going to have to put your manly sense of logic to good use. Seek facts out in the open, stop spying.
I'm no big advocate for marriage-counseling; because there are so many crackpots and hacks out there with a shingle; who are incredibly incompetent. While the best are booked to the hilt. I think you two need counseling, so she can tell you what her problem is; because I don't think she can say it to your face. I think there would be a serious argument between you, and nothing would change thereafter. It's not easy to tell your spouse they're a bore in the bedroom. Our marriage lacks passion. Who wouldn't take offense to that?
If you're in-affectionate, unromantic, show no spontaneity,
bear no unexpected gifts, forget anniversaries, you're cheap, and lie around the house always having to be given a honey-do list? Your wife will tire of your existence. She will seek passion where she can find it. The typical stuff that novels are written about. Wives expect their husbands to compliment them when they doll themselves up, they like to hear you say she's pretty. Just out of the blue. Have you ever bought her an expensive gift, you knew you couldn't afford; but felt she was worth it? Do you get sentimental, and tell her what she means to you? Do you say silly things to make her laugh. Do you hug her from behind?
If you take a spouse for granted, they will find what they need elsewhere; or the better option, is to divorce you.
If you have unanswered questions in your marriage; that's proof you don't communicate. You avoid hearing the truth from her perspective. That's because you don't want to change. You don't value her opinion, and criticism would make you feel inadequate in some way.
We don't get to hear two-sides. Only that she flirts. We are only left to wonder why? Your subtle implication is she's being unfaithful, maybe promiscuous. Flirting is not cheating. It doesn't mean the flirt will ever cheat. It is making coy romantic overtures. I think she is starved for attention, craving compliments, and wants to feel that she's still attractive.
She's in her thirties, and needs positive reinforcement that she's still attractive as a woman; if she isn't receiving any feedback from you! This is only a theory, I don't know either of you. Just giving you food for thought.
She is looking for an ego-boost. If you think she's just being cheap and sleazy, then get a divorce.
I would suggest that you first do some introspection.
The next step is to sit down with your wife, and talk without an argument. Have "small-talks" after dinner about your problems; without digging too deep in one session. When things get too heated, stop. It's only a fact-finding session. An exchange with the intent to draw compromise and improve the quality of your marriage. So everybody wins.
Learn how to talk to each other and trust each other enough to be honest. That's your major issue here.
Tackle small issues one at a time. Changes can't be made over-night. Take small steps. Listen and accept constructive criticism. Give your opinions, untainted by insults and accusation. Open up and share. Then if all this fails, you might conclude she is unhappy being married to you. Don't jump to conclusions without facts. You'll get the truth, when you learn how to talk to the woman you made vows to. Be man enough to handle the truth. It takes balls.
Get reacquainted, and ask her to bare her soul. Tell you why she feels she has to flirt with other men. Don't put her through the third-degree, keep the conversation light. Tell her you will be willing to go to counseling; if she feels it's what you need to do to work things out. Then do it.
Flirting is harmless. Taking it up a notch, by contacting ex-lovers; is an indication your wife is unhappy with her marriage. That much you already know.
If you caught your wife cheating, my advice would have been completely different.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014): Flirting with an Ex is by far more of a threat. I would not like to find out by bf is flirting with an ex. I would be very suspicious, and hurt. It is not acceptable.
I would not flirt with an ex, because I know it has the potential to reignite old feelings.
If I found by bf flirting with a stranger, I would simply call him a flirt with a bit of tongue and cheek....not really minding too much as long as it was innocent, and only happened momentarily.
I wouldn't really like online flirting with strangers though as this could continue....and I consider it a possible danger.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014): It's only a matter of time until she gets the opportunity to take this flirting further.
I would put my foot down and say this flirting is disrespectful of our relationship.
Even if she disagrees, the fact that it makes you - her husband - uncomfortable should be enough of a reason for her to desist from having pointless flirtatious chitchat with strangers and exes. what she gains from flirting on balance is outweighed by the wedge it creates in your relationship.
If she doesn't see this then I'd have to question how much she really cares about you.
...............................
|
