A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a happily married man, And have been for ten and a half years. When we first got married my wife and I had a great sex life. We have four kids and still love each other very much. My problem is that now my wife says that she feels sex is nasty. She says that even when she does want it (very seldom) she still feels nasty. I can't even get a hand job any more. There have always been things she wouldn't do but know she want hardly do anything. Can anyone give me advise on how to help her through this. I love my wife and sex isn't everything but it is important to me.
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hand-job, married man, sex life Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt has been more than a year and I still haven't found a solution to my problem. I can count on one hand the number of times I have had sex with my wife in the past year and It is starting to drive a real wedge between us. I just don't know what I need to do. I think sometimes I need to just leave but I do love my wife very much I just don't like the way things are going. Any help i greatly welcomed.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): nasty is an interesting word to use - i presume this is her word. Very odd word to use - it implies she has a hangup over it - something bad happens or has happened? I agree with below on counselling but also some thoughts....:
Do you kiss each other? That would be the first step or rather just hugging and kissing nothing fancy - holding, hugging and kissing - do this frequently. (this is all part of sex and isn't nasty in any way - the kissing can be gentle on the cheek, the lips what feels best - but kiss).
Talk - spend time talking - make time to talk about anything and everything. - dont talk about sex yet.
Time - get kids out of the way and do things like go for a drink or a drive or a walk - dont bring up sex.
then when she is more relaxed, just tell her you fancy her and want to hold her naked and just do that - no sex. just holding, tight. (tighter).
then see what happens - possible tears and then talking.
. I would suggest just massaging her maybe no real sex unless she opens up and see what happens.
good luck - but certainly a counsellor it could be the kids or something deeper.
Hugs star.x.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (12 March 2009):
 Actually, I think what 'anonymous female' said may well be at the heart of it ...
when you have a baby/babies, it's like that area of yourself, as a girl, has been demystified ... nothing is secret any more. It's like wondering what is behind the gate into the secret garden, but then you go into the garden, spend time there, see exactly what's going on, people come in with bulldozers and tramp around with very little if any care for the delicate grass and flowers ... and then they all go away again and the gate is left swinging half off its hinges and the grass and flowers are all trampled and the garden isn't secret or special or anything any more, apart from a bit sorry-looking ...
The only way to repair it - and I believe it can be repaired - is first to start treating the garden once more like the special place it was. The gate needs to be carefully put back together and put back in place. The garden will repair itself, as much as it can, but only once it is treated with respect again.
I don't know if you are getting my crazy morning metaphor, but I realise it is striking a huge chord with me. So the going back to dating, and making any touch special, and not presuming anything, is possibly the way to go.
On some level, she feels violated, and although she can reason that this is just life, she needs help adjusting. Whether that is you or a counsellor, I think you should sort it out, because life is too short not to be in touch with your sexual being.
OK. I will shut up now. What am I on? Honestly, I have only had half a hot chocolate this morning ... ; )
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (9 March 2009):
You tried the counselling? What did he say?
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate the help everyone has given me. I have tried everything nothing really seems to work. Hopefully time will work it out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2009): Your problem is very hard, it's it's too difficult for us to really tackle here. As the others have said, where to start. So many things could be going on, from stress, to feeling old, work, or old resentments that have built up. After 4 kids, (to be rude) she's tired of being poked about down there, with medical examinations and what not.
Solutions: Try dating again, pull all the pressure off sex, and start dating. This will take a long time. Start with little loving notes, flowers at breakfast, whatever you think might be romantic and make her feel nice. Give that a week or two, and then start kissing, and just kissing. We are trying to seduce her and make her feel young, special and sexy again. Kisses on the neck, and if she pushes you away, then kiss her hand. Tickle her, play with her feet, anything to get the blood flowing again, but without no pressure just fun.
Then after two weeks of this, it's time for you to start dating your wife. Find a baby sitter, take her out on a proper date, with no kids involved. Movies on the back row, like teenagers in love, take her to the fairground on the highest ride. Beg and plead for her just to come out, because your fed up and bored and you want to spend time with her.
Then presents, bombard her with presents... Flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, funny stuff... Hopefully in a month, there will be some sparks in your relationship. That's why you want to do it big and loud, and you have to be persistent. Romance your wife like a teenage boy and I'm hoping she'll be interested and surprised and just might follow you. Final act, kisses and into the bedroom, after about a month, and then be slow and loving, and tell her how much pleasure she gives you and how happy you are.
Make sure you clean up your act. Do you smoke, are you overweight, have you let yourself become unattractive. Well your dating again, and teenagers try to look good for their girls. I know this sounds like a lot of work, but if there is anything there, it just might help.. Sorry, and you got kids to look after, it's hard for you, but you need your wife wanting to have sex with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): I greatly appreciate all the response I have been given. The bad thing is I have mentioned consoling. I am a stay at home Dad so I do a lot of the house work I cook most of the meals. I help with the kids baths.Get the Kids on and off the bus. So I just don't know what else to do.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (26 February 2009):
ps
oh, and i've just seen that yr max. age is 35 - you REALLY need to sort this out - you are WAY too young to be giving up sex!!!!! : )
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (26 February 2009):
oh dear. That is really hard on you, I think. It sounds like she has basically just gone totally off sex.
She is living in a child-orientated world, where everything is fluffy (kind of), and maybe, you know, she just can't cope with the juxtapostion of that, and the innocence of the children, and what she may see (given you said even from the start she was a bit iffy about certain things) as the pornography of sex.
It's all to do with the way she looks at it. Jeez. Where to start.
I tend to wrap even the most pornographic acts in such a fuzzy pink haze of love that I may as well be kissing a puppy dog or brushing a daisy against my cheek. That's how I deal with sex. But I didn't always feel like that. It's only in the last two years that I have done that. Previously, I was actually quite out of sorts with sex, and a bit dissociated from it, and generally unhappy with it. I'm saying this so you at least have some hope for change ... it's just a question of how to achieve it, though.
It has to come from your wife, to a large degree. She has to want to change, and she has to start seeing things differently. There needs to be some dialogue between you two. And maybe you could totally take the pressure off, by saying something along the lines of 'I adore you. I adore our kids. I think it's amazing that we made them together. I so miss your body, and your touch. Could we have a deal that we just kiss sometimes?' ... and I think that kissing - proper kissing - for at least 15 minutes - with music - and tongues lol - is the place to start. I think you pretty much have to treat her as a teenager and go as gently as that, and presume nothing.
Well, it's worth a try. Good luck : )
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): What I'm thinking is 4 exhausting (loveable) kids draining her desires for sex. It's also a time when we feel the most unsexiest. Is there any way you can take the initiative to lessen the stress on her? Kids go to grandparents for a weekend? You do dishes after supper and get kids to bed (while she takes a hot bath?) Skipping on these little things at the end of the evening helped me wind down better to get the mood (if he gave me 'the look'.) hope this helps
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (26 February 2009):
It could very well be that she is going through a hormonal change.
I think you need to get outside help on this one since it is a sudden change and it hasn't always been this way.
It could be she is at the very start of the change and some herbal remedies may help her feel more herself.
Or it could be that you two need marriage counselling, something could have happened, like her accidentally seeing porn and that has put her off.
Sit her down and tell her firstly how much you love her and how proud you are of her being your wife and how you never want any other woman. But explain that sex is an important way for you to show how much that you love her and it's really upsetting you that you can't give her pleasure from it too.
Get her to open up and suggest counselling. After 10 years there is nothing wrong with taking your whole marriage in for a check up and get any other issues out in the open.
Also make sure you are giving her lots of kisses and cuddles that don't go anywhere and nice massages etc so she feels loved without knowing it's because you want sex.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (26 February 2009):
It could very well be that she is going through a hormonal change.
I think you need to get outside help on this one since it is a sudden change and it hasn't always been this way.
It could be she is at the very start of the change and some herbal remedies may help her feel more herself.
Or it could be that you two need marriage counselling, something could have happened, like her accidentally seeing porn and that has put her off.
Sit her down and tell her firstly how much you love her and how proud you are of her being your wife and how you never want any other woman. But explain that sex is an important way for you to show how much that you love her and it's really upsetting you that you can't give her pleasure from it too.
Get her to open up and suggest counselling. After 10 years there is nothing wrong with taking your whole marriage in for a check up and get any other issues out in the open.
Also make sure you are giving her lots of kisses and cuddles that don't go anywhere and nice massages etc so she feels loved without knowing it's because you want sex.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, cupids_friend +, writes (26 February 2009):
It is hard for me to answer this I am 20 not married but ask her why she feel this way and make shure that she know that she is not nasty tell her that she is gorgeous and let her know that if she does not want to do it now well then tall can work it out together
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): Ok, after four kids, it could be a hormone thing, or diet thing. There isn't a whole lot of research and help for women with sexual "disfunction", but there is some. I know with each kid, my sex drive and patience diminishes. I would continue to talk with your wife about how she feels about sex (while you aren't in the bedroom) and what she likes and doesn't like. It could be that she has a negative physical reaction, no reaction, or painful reaction to sex. Explore her needs, and make it a point to please her in every other way (like doing the fixer-upers around the house, doing the dishes, laundry, taking the kids out of the house for the day...or weekend, buying her flowers just because). Also, I don't like doing hand-jobs, but i do it cause my man likes it... it's kind of dirty to me, and seems real foreign, and does nothing for me... but when my man tells me how sexy I am when I do it, it makes me want to do it. Bottom line, talk to your wife, please her without expecting anything back, and explore her needs and desires...including time away from the family.
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