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male
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anonymous
writes: My wife and I just separated 2 months ago, after 12 years of marriage. We have 2 young children. I had a one night affair 5 years ago and became very angry and critical towards everyone, especially my wife. She says she wants her own life and does not want to try to fix our marriage or see marriage counselling. I have made major behaviour and emotional changes in my life since the separation began. I don't know how to show my wife that are marriage will be better and I deeply want to work on it when we are living separatly. I love her so much and all I keep doing is calling her and asking her to change her mind. I found out just recently that she has been talking to this guy lately and even over at our house. She says that she just wants some friends, male or female, and to do what she wants without needing to get anyone's permission, especially mine.What can I do, or is there anything?Hope you can help me...
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male
reader, Indium  +, writes (2 March 2009):
I am going through nearly the same thing. I didn't cheat on my wife, but after ten years of marriage & excessive hanging out until all hours of the night, she left. I want to know if you were ever able to work out your problems & fix the marriage. What happened to you?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2007): I feel you my Brother. I hope your marriage was saved as this response is two years after your post.
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A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (3 September 2005):
Love is selfless! Stand back and allow some healing to take place, that means not abandoning your wife with the kids, but supporting her as much as you can, financially especially. For healing to happen with your wife stay out of her space, it might take a year or longer, you may have to watch as she dates other guys. Bite your tounge, be a friend. Mind the kids when she wants to go out, tell her she looks lovely, suffer in silence, express your negative feelings to your counsellor not to your wife. Do not expect or demand anything in return. Thats called making it up to her. If after two years she shows no sign of softening despite your being the absolute best friend you can ever be, start to accept that it probably won't happen, you will have done your best and will have done the kids a favour by being their moms friend as well as their dad.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2005): Well, you say you still love her. Do you think she still loves you? If you think so then you have some hard work cut out for you. Separation does not mean end of a marriage but it is a period in which one has a chance to review, try and renew an otherwise decayed relationship. If she you loved then, she may still love you or if not..that can be found again. But you have to be patient and bide your time. Your past conduct was unacceptable and she has to move beyond that.
Let her have some breathing room. When she's willing to talk, tell her you are very sorry for disappointing her in the past, but you do love her and want to be with her. She will listen to you and will only believe when she SEES through indirect and passive actions.
DO not be disheartened by her temporary indifference. Give her some time and meanwhile take care of all you can do.
You will be ok soon. When you are good nobody can stop you from growing. When you love someone from heart you grow and flourish. Be good to you and to her. Forget the past and keep working create a new image for you. Do the best and do not complain.
Congratulations to you for being brave, intelligent and finally getting some help with your inner problems. You are a good guy because you admit doing things to others and being irresponsible in the past. But now you have changed and made wonderful progress. You have changed internally for you-for her. However, she still does not picture you as a guy of her dreams. Try your best to prove to her, that you are that man.
If you love this woman, invest into the relationship and work on repairing the marriage. That's just my opinion, of course. Take what you need and ignore the rest. Good luck
Hugs,
Irish
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A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (2 September 2005):
 This is the part where it gets a little tough to read okay.
You betrayed your wife. Okay...that hurt her alot and ...what you have to understand for now is that ...this is not just a dating thing...it was a marriage where trust, loyalty and all that stuff make a marriage sacred. Sometimes people can't get past the pain that they feel sometimes...it just happens. Your wife does not want to work on it anymore cause...the pain may be too great to deal with at this point in time..later? maybe but not right now. Her feelings right now are...you did not need any permission from her to do what you wanted that time...so she does not now. Stop calling her for a bit. Call for things dealing with the kids. Don't call her personally to ask her to change her mind. You are only pushing her away further. let her have her time okay. Women are just unique creatures and sometimes just like guys...need their space to sort themselves out a bit. Leave her alone for now..sorry.
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reader, pops +, writes (1 September 2005):
Not a lot. You definitely need to continue to see the counselor who has helped you make those emotional and behavior changes in your life, but you may have waited too long to save this relationship. People wear out trying to live with someone who is a constant burden, and won't do anything to get help for his problems. Stop calling your wife, and bothering her before she gets a court order prohibiting all contact with her! Give her time and space. Make sure you support the kids, and help her out financially, whether you are ordered to make payments or not. As flawed as you were, she may not understand how flawed other men are, and needs to realize that you are not that bad, and you have finally made changes( I hope for the better) in your life so that you can be a better partner. Sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best. Stay the course you have started, and give her time. Maybe she will come around, but she needs time to heal, and to be really convinced that what you have been doing the last 2 months is a real change and just not a temporary patch.
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