A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:so I have a question for you guys on here, I'm sure there are other posts on here about the same subject on here. I have been happily married for 6 years now and wouldn't change a single thing except for one. my wife does not give me blow jobs any more. we have a pretty healthy sex life and after three kids I can understand why she doesn't want to ALL the time but it's been almost four years now with no bj's. if I had to put a number on how many timesi go down on her it would be 2 out 3 times we have sex. I absolutly love to please my wife and just wish shed do the same. any advice?
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female
reader, LustyLisa +, writes (22 March 2011):
I personally think that the direct approach is the best, unless you know first hand that she performed BJ's in the past under duress, then ask her point blank "what changed?". You have a right to know what the deal is but you'll also have to be prepared for her answer and you may not like what you hear. Once you know what the deal is, you may have options to work with. Right now it's just a mystery and as long as you remain silent, she'll never give the lack of oral reciprocation much thought.
I can tell you personally I hate the thought of giving a BJ and have never done one to completion and never will. I will use my hands though if my partner is in need but I'm not but I'll never offer my mouth. That's me and my partner is ok with that boundary. I do love to stimulate my partner orally during foreplay. We both enjoy that and it certainly helps with arousal.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 March 2011):
 "No oral for me, no oral for you" is petty childrens game. It's sinking pretty low, and shuts the door for an open communication in a relationship.
Lets all sit in each our corner of the room, not talk, but wait for the other to meet our needs first... And what happens when they BOTH think this way? The problem will escalate and bring out an even worse situation.
Be a part of the solution, not the problem, as was said earlier. You will only be part of the problem if you sink so low to withhold oral just because you're not getting it yourself. Your wife pleases you in other ways right? What if she decides on "an orgasm for an orgasm", and stops having sex with you because you aren't going down on her? How exactly would that help the situation? It will only spiral further down and soon you'll be in war with each other.
Don't play games. Speak up loud and clear instead and communicate.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (22 March 2011):
 Well I sort of agree with the "anonymous" reply that advises "no BJs for you, no oral for her." However, I would not say anything about it, I just suggest that you simply stop giving her any oral, then if and when she broaches the topic, you can mention that "what is good for the goose is good for the gander."
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 March 2011):
 Hmm...when a sex act has been a regular part of your repertoire and then she stops doing it, there is a reason why. The stopping of the blowjobs is a symptom of what's going on.
Was there a blowjob that went awry? Does she not swallow and you didn't warn her before ejaculating? Did something break her trust of you during that act? Did one of the kids walk in? Does she do it on her knees and now her knees are sore? Does she go unfulfilled because she gave you oral and then you stopped everything after you came?
It could be anything. The way to approach her is to ask her if everything's okay, and what you can do for her. It could be as simple as her becoming self-conscious. It could also be as complicated as her thinking you take her for granted. I would plan on discussing this with her for an extended amount of time, so don't initiate the talk at bedtime. Be part of the solution and try not to get defensive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): Some women just really do not enjoy giving oral sex to a man. I've heard other women say they do it to please the man and they feel obligated. Maybe she just doesn't like doing it. If she doesn't like doing it, nobody can do anything about that. You have to discuss what you both like and don't like to do and just do the things you both find agreeable in the bedroom.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): Tell her no BJs for you, no oral for her. Whats fair is fair.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 March 2011):
 At the beginning there was a lot of passion. Sex felt more carefree. You may see yourselves as parents and life can be tiresome. Bring her out on romantic dates. Tell her what a blow job does to you. For example, it makes you feel loved, manly, it creates an amazing connection, it reminds you the magic that brought you together. You can start this topic by saying there is something you really miss, but is shy to tell her right away because you don't know what her reaction might be. Let her guess what that is.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 March 2011):
Well, sex isn't a "trade" of such that you can give her oral and expect it back. Then you could also factor in how long you go at it, until orgasm or not, etc. as that also plays a part.
But... I know me personally I'd feel weird and awkward asking for a sexual act, such as oral. If my boyfriends through the years didn't give it to me voluntarily I didn't really ask for it either. Nor would I like it if a boyfriend of mine asked me to go down on him. I'd be offended, as I am not an escort that will do his bidding. It is much more enjoyed when done because you want to, not because you are "expected" to. If I felt I was expected to do anything sexual it'd put me off it.
Then again, getting neglected in the bedroom department isn't good. Now this is your wife, and not a girl you have been with for only a few months. If this was a not your wife or mother of your children, but say a woman you had been dating some months, and she never went down on you, it wouldn't be a relationship you wanted to be in, would it? Depending on the reasons given for not performing a blowjob.
Have you talked to her about it? Im thinking you have as it's been 4 years, but you didn't mention it. I'd recommend talking about it, and telling her how it makes you feel, and how you'd like for things to be, without accusations or demands. That is better than asking her to perform an act on you, making it feel like an obligation.
I might have an explanation for you though. A friend of mine gave birth 6 months ago to her second child. She told me that while she was pregnant with the first and all until around 4-6 months after the second was born, she couldn't stand to go down on her man. It was the taste really, it was so off-putting and made her sick. And overall just the idea of a blowjob didn't appeal to her. She only performed the blowjobs she performed because she felt obliged to, and didn't like them.
Personal side note again: I wouldn't be able to enjoy it at ALL if I knew my partner couldn't stand going down on me but did it just to please me. It'd make me feel uncomfortable. I don't know about you, but if your wife truly can't stand it, would it still feel good for you if she did it?
Back to the story of my friend, it took some time but she slowly got used to giving blowjobs again and actually finishing him off that way. Before when she did it just to get it out of the way she couldn't stand it for longer periods and would only use it for foreplay.
Before her pregnancy she was fine giving blowjobs. It's just something that happened once she got pregnant. And the taste of the sperm in particular, she would rather spit it out. But her fiance wants her to swallow... so you can see the tricky situation that is created.
You don't say much about the situation though, but I hope this gave you some insight into possible reasons your wife has stopped, and maybe helped shed some light on the situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): She might find it disgusting. Most women I have talked to say that they don't enjoy it. They do it because they feel obligated to because they know men like it a lot. The women really pretend to like it and they don't tell the guys they really find it disgusting. I've met a few who have vomited during or after it. It is nothing against you personally. I am sure she loves you. Ask her what is wrong and hopefully she'll talk about it. Would you want to go down on a guy? Even women who love men don't always like giving men oral sex at all.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (21 March 2011):
 Step one is always discussion. Make sure to tell her how much you love her and why you'd like to make that effort. Basically, the reasons it is important to you that she do it.
Best of luck. Do your best to not make her feel attacked. If she gets defensive, the conversation will not go well.
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