A
male
age
41-50,
*reenmountainrock
writes:My wife is a stay at home mom, while I work 10-12 hours a day. My wife doesn't do anything at home, I always come home to a mess. She always complains that I should help with the house work. She doesn't do laundry until it absolutely needs to be done, then she'll "forget" about the clothes in the wash. There's always a sink full of dishes, and crap all over the house. It really makes me wonder what she is doing all day. I don't feel like I should need to help with this work, I think it should be done long before I get home from work. How do I talk to her to make her understand that if she kept on top of things she really wouldn't have a lot to do. I'm growing tired of this. I work too hard to have to come home to this and hear her complain that I need to help. Not what I want to do after being gone all day working while she has obviously sat on her rear all day doing who knows what. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 August 2013):
 stay at home MOMS do NOT sit on their rears all day.
how old are your kids?
in addition if she has any sort of organizational challenges (learning disabilities, depression, ADHD) then she needs help.
AND if it's already at the overwhelming stage.. she has no clue how to start or where to fix it and just doing the daily stuff gets NOWHERE.
if you want a clean home... you need to make the effort to create the canvas for a clean home
first find out if she WANTS the same thing.... if she does, then she is just overwhelmed. I was this way... till I met my current husband. Over a period of 6 months we cleaned, we threw out stuff... we had the house fixed up and it's great now... it was hard to give up stuff but I did it... now everything has a place and the house is maintained daily with bi-weekly maid service since we both work full time. I still wipe counters daily and sweep once or twice a week... bathroom gets a daily swish of the sink and i keep glass wipes in the bathrooms for quick touch ups.
BUT getting to the point where it's 20 minutes a day to maintain is hard work and takes a lot of effort.... SHE will not be able to do it on her own.
so several options...
1. once you both agree you WANT a clean orderly house, you come up with a plan to get it that way...
work from the top down or the bottom up...
clean one room at a time over each weekend... then if it needs to be painted or updated... do it. then that room must be cleaned AS needed. for example my guest room gets dusted weekly since no one is in there regularly... but my bathroom gets wiped down TWICE a day.... when I'm done washing up morning and night...
there is a program online called FLY LADY that is very helpful for figuring out what to do daily...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): While it sounds like she needs to do more than she currently is since she is home all day, I think it is unrealistic of you to expect that you should not have to do any housework at all.
Going to work and not having to do any housework, is the life of a unmarried man who has a maid or who likes living in a dirty house. Single men who aren't married and don't have kids, have to work at their jobs all day just like you, commute and fight traffic just like you, and then they come home to cook their own meals and do their own laundry. Did you somehow expect that being married means you get to have less work than a single man?
The more people in the house, the more housework there needs to be done. If you live alone then you only have your own clothes for laundry and your own dishes to clean, and the wear and tear on the carpet is minimal. If you have 4 people in the house there is more laundry, dishes, and the carpet gets dirty daily rather than weekly or even monthly like when you live alone. Therefore it is to be expected that you should do some housework even though you work a full time job. Just as your wife should also be doing housework too.
Basically, you say you work hard at your job all day. That's fair and true. However you then say this means you shouldn't have to lift a finger for housework when you get home. I disagree since you have chosen to be part of a household of 4. This generates a lot of housework, much more than if you were to have never married and had kids. Single unmarried people work just as hard at their jobs as you but they don't expect to have their laundry done for them when they get home...
If you don't want to do your share of the housework then pay for a maid or cleaning service.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): The whole point of having one spouse not work outside the home is so that they can do all the house chores while the Oberon does all the bread winning. The exception is if the housechore in question really requires 2 people like heavy manual labor which is not the majority of housekeeping.
Basically your wife isn't pulling her weight. Not only that but she is trying to get you to do her work for her. This isn't fair. You don't ask her to come to your job and take on some of your duties, right? So she really shouldn't be expecting you to do any housechores since she has all day every day. Yes she is looking after the kids too but again she has all day every day to get the other chores done it is not that hard unless you live on a farm.
Are you really sure it would cost you more money for her to get a job and use childcare?? Does she really have such poor job skills or lack of education/training that the only jobs she qualifies for don't even pay an amount equivalent to the cost of childcare?? Or is it simply that she doesn't want to work? Most mothers in this country and all over the world work by necessity as they cannot financially afford to stay home. I have a hard time understanding the "I cant afford to work " mentality unless she has very low income earning potential.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013):
Is your wife depressed?
IF not ,Sorry to say this, but you have a stay at home 'lazy bones'.
Children do not stop 'some' housework been done,lets be honest, she has a modern kitchen no doubt, washing MACHINE, Microwave,Ready made meals,house work is not as hard as it used to be, sweeping brush or hoover?
You work hard and should not have to come home to a tip and be expected to help. The only offer of help I would give is a cleaner you employ,which means something has to go, like the tv and licence, to cover the cost of employing extra help.
What if you were lazy and said i can't be arsed to get out of bed to go to work, and don't want to do overtime, who would make excuses for you? probably nobody! you would be classed as simply a lazy B. LAZY WOMEN do exist, but seem to be covered by excuses such as I have kids.
My mom, got us little kids to help with little cleaning tasks that she made into games, while she did housework.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): It depends though how many kids you guys have and how old they are. If they are at home all day, believe me it's a work itself, only feeding them and playing with them. I was stay at home mom, and it was a tough job to do. House work never stops. You finish your work and go home, and she needs to do it around the clock. Especially if you have no help, it makes it even tougher. I had a big house, a dog, and 2 small kids, and it was work all day. Also my kids needs to go to playground, they wouldn't nap, they ate 4 times a day. And wanted to play with me. It's not as easy as it seems. Sometimes I would forget the laundry Ina machine also, but my husband already knew that, and at night he would check it without even asking, and put clothes in a dry. I personally don't think that a husband doesn't need to do anything at home. What if you lived alone, you would still needed to do something at home, right. So, why not do something on a weekend to help her a little, so she can have her rest also.
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A
male
reader, Greenmountainrock +, writes (25 August 2013):
Greenmountainrock is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst off, our kids are 4 and 8. I really don't think it would be so hard on her if she kept up on it. She waits until the last minute and then there's tons of work to be done. I'm just thinking of how my mom raised 9 kids and kept a spotless home. When I get home I do yard work, odd things around the house and play with the kids. I usually give my son a bath and read them stories and get them to bed. She is a stay at home mom by choice and necessity. We can't afford childcare for her to work, it would actually cost us more money for her to work.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 August 2013):
 There really is not good excuse why she is not doing a thing. I was a stay at home mom for years when the kiddos were little - having a husband that deployed/worked 10+ hours/schools/ training and so forth it was hard to be able to work with 3 small kids so WE (hubby and I chose) for me to stay home, though in all honesty I would have preferred to work.
Anyhow, Even with 3 young ones, the laundry was done (1-2 loads a day keeps it less stressful), dishes were done twice a day, house clean, kids clean and fed.
It can be done. I know many SAHM (specially military spouses) who kept NICE looking homes and had 1-4 kids. I also knew a few who were total slobs.
I think your wife is unhappy with staying at home. She feels unfulfilled or.. she is a slob. Was she always like this? How did the home look before the kids? How did SHE look?
I think you need to sit her down and talk. Maybe she needs to find a half-day job (if that can cover the daycare cost) so she gets out of the house. I also think she (and you can help) need to make a schedule for the house chores.
On week-ends (if you don't work those days, you need to pitch in too. I know you work long days and long hours, but if she is alone ALL day with the kids SHE needs a break here and there too. Maybe Saturdays you can take the kids to the park and let her take some time for herself. Then Sunday you can take some ME time - or however that works out for you two.
Also I think you two need to have a date night (without kids) at least once a month. Hire a babysitter, dress up and go out.
You need to sit her down and talk about this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): Tell her she needs to stop being a stay at home mom and get a job. Then with the extra income you can hire nannies or use daycare while you both work.
I suggest this because the problem with your type of gender role split marriage is that each spouse does a totally different job so neither has understanding or compassion for what the other goes through. A more egalitarian marriage would help foster mutual respect by not assigning split roles to each person thus creating room for disdain stemming from lack of empathy.
Being a stay at home mom can be draining and depressing. I could never do it. None of the women in my family ever stayed home except for maternity leave. I can understand why. My friends who stay home are often depressed and lack motivation. Thus they don't clean the house as much as they technically could. They are just too mentallt drained even though physically they do have the time and ability. They think their husbands have it easy. Of course the husbands do not have it easy. Working 12 hour days and getting yelled at by bosses or customers is not fun. Having the worry of being solely responsible for making enough money to cover the whole family is also draining.
The argument starts when the husband gets home and there is still housework to be done. Both spouses have no concept of what the other does all day so each thinks the other has it easier and thus should be the one to do the left over housework. Each resents the other and the misunderstandings grow. I believe that traditional gender roled marriages are more likely to create division between spouses rather than a feeling of partnership.
If both spouses work full time then it is easier to understand that fairness demands that the housework gets split evenly too. Each spouse knows that the other also works full time. So neither spouse believes the other has it easier so is more likely to feel like true partners sharing the burdens equally of doing both income earning and housework. It is easier to feel respect for each other because both are more equal by being more similar. Rather than each one having nothing in common with the other.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (24 August 2013):
 Sorry but firstly you say your wife is a stay at home Mom. How many children do you have and how old are they?
I ask this because if they are babies or of pre school age, you certainly cannot accuse your wife of sitting on her backside all day. Young children are incredibly demanding and time consuming.
My son was 4 and I had a new baby when my(now ex)husband made the same complaint of me. When my daughter was 6 months old, he moved out. The first weekend he came to have the kids for the weekend, I stayed with a girl friend. When I returned just 2 days later he was a wreck, so was the house. He actually apologised to me and said he had had no idea how hard it was raising the children and that he had had no time for himself let alone housework!
Young kids are very hard work. She can't "leave work" after 10-12 hours. She has a 24/7 responsibility. You get to leave the house and the kids and go be an adult!
If the children are of school age then I can see your point of view. Why can't she keep a better house whilst you support the household financially. If this is the case then is she depressed? If you think so then she needs to see her doctor for help. If no then you need to ask her why she feels it's acceptable that you work all day and then she expects you to do the chores she could have done whilst you were away earning, because that is not fair to you or acceptable.
You should be a team and helping each other yet you resent her being able to stay home but she probably resents you being able to leave it!
You are both making a huge contribution to your family but are each only seeing your own efforts not each others.
I hope that if you discuss this and try and respect each others roles things may well improve.
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A
female
reader, millonbitsu +, writes (24 August 2013):
Ok, you don't mention what age your child/ren are?
If they are very young and she is full-time caring for them then it very unreasonable for you to expect her to be juggling everything. It is not 1940, you cannot expect a mother with young children to have washed and cleaned and have tea on the table waiting for you. I don't know your situation though.
Is she depressed? Unmotivated? Unhappy? Stressed?
People have different standards of what they would consider 'dirty/messy'... maybe she just doesn't see it as much of a problem as you do.
Have you tried just asking her calmly 'why?' - what is it that she is struggling to keep on top of? What can you do to help as her husband?
It appears the biggest problem is you both have different expectations of who should be doing what around the house. You need to talk about this, she is asking or 'complaining' for you to help her. You think that if she's at home it should be done. Maybe arrange a cleaning rota e.g. you'll offer to do the dishes every other day, or you'll take the garbage out before you go to work in the mornings. It's not that hard for you to do small things to help her out a little. And it shouldn't be your job to do everything when you're tired after work either.
It doesn't have to be an argument or throwing accusations at her; just calmly say you want to help but your confused as to why there is so much left until you get home from work? That you are happy to help to an extent (and you should be, you share that home) but you are only at home a few hours a day to do that, and you need some time to relax when you get home from work.
Offer to spend an afternoon when you have a day off work getting on top of all the jobs together, so she has less to tackle in one go.
Talk to her and I'm sure you can come to some sort of compromise.
Best of luck.
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