A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When my wife and I were still dating she told me she had been with lots of guys. I asked her if she had ever had a STD or been pregnant before, she said no. Two weeks later the told me she had herpes, one week later she found out she was pregnant. Hours before my son was born she told me she had an abortion. I was heart broken. We married a few months later. I try to forgive and forget but when ever I hear the word abortion I can't help but to think about it. I feel I was deceived. She knows what I think about the whole situation and can't get intimate with me. I feel like our realitionship is falling apart. What can I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2010): ? Does your wife love you?
If she does, and you love her, then you really need to understand this at a deeper level.
Many times people have things happen (rape, sex abuse as children, abortions, STD's, etc.) then they "clean up their life" so to speak. However, they can't undo what happened and believe that nobody will accept them as they really are and suppress things in new relationships, FOR YEARS.
Then, as they become more comfortable, things begin to come out. Usually painful things.
They only open up when they feel safe.
If they open up a bit, then don't feel safe to open up more, they shut back down and resume suppressing things.
All of it makes sense and none of it makes sense unless you look at it from their perspective and belief system.
I've been there with this scenario. Ask your wife to go to counseling with you, discuss all this, be prepared to hear a lot more when she really opens up. However, she won't open up unless she feels safe doing so, and only then on a piecemeal basis. For the person opening up it can be like wading into lava.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010):
What she did was completely wrong and I don't think you owe her shit. Forgive this only if you want to. If you forget it then you're a moron.
I'm totally in favor of abortions in her situation back in the day. But that is beside the point. She lied to you and then used the birth of your child to manipulate you again.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (22 September 2010):
 I'm suggesting you have to change some of your beliefs in order to resolve this issue. Otherwise you will continue to feel very negative towards your wife and what she did, and that will make your marriage suffer, and also your son suffer.
As you say:
"I think that is a big part of my issues. Even when things are going fine between us she has a wall up because she knows how I feel, it affects our sex life."
She does know how you feel.
You have to feel differently about this in order to 'solve' this problem.
To change our feelings we usually have to change our beliefs.
This is an incredibly hard thing to do, because we tend to hold our beliefs as very important to us, as our identity.
I'll give you an example: sometimes someone will convert to a religion in order to get married, or stay married, if their partner and partners family is that religion. This means changing your religious beliefs.
I suggest you work through your feelings, to their roots, and see what strong beliefs you are holding that are making you unhappy about your marriage and your wife's past. These are the beliefs you should consider changing.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 September 2010):
 I can totally understand your point of view on this, everyone has different beliefs. but just take a minute to accept that your wife was young and nobody is perfect we all make mistakes. maybe this is eating her up as well maybe take time to think that she was young and didnt want to bring a child in to the world were the child wouldnt have a stable and happy life. A lot of young people are bringing children in to the world and they are being neglected as they cant afford to pay for there child. As for the STD am sure that it came as a shock to you but its more common these days and yes wearing a condom is always the best way to go but with genital herpies you can catch that even from wearing a condom so i wouldnt blame her for this. you have to options here stay in this unhappy relationship until it drives use so far apart that you'se go in sane or else try and work on it. have a romantic meal with your wife light some candles and cook for her and let her explain to you why she done these things try not to judge her just let her talk and tell her how you feel be honest but try and not to judge her. Try to remember that she is now married and settled with you and her child and she is a different woman now try and remember this. add some spice in to your sex life and hopefully through time you can let it go and be happy again for both your sakes and for your son. good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy do I have to change something I believe? I was careful to wear protection so not to get a STD or get someone pregant. You know babies come from having sex, so I feel one should sleep in the bed they made! I would have never stayed with her if I had known these things earlier. But then I wouldn't have my son who is the light of my life! Maybe if I had known these things before hand and possibly stayed with her then things would be different, but she lied about it. I think that is a big part of my issues. Even when things are going fine between us she has a wall up because she knows how I feel, it affects our sex life. Went from wonderful sex to after this news came out it went to the most boring, unconnected sex I have ever had. Most times we just stop having sex before either one of us have reached orgasm because we are just going through the motions so to speak.
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A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (21 September 2010):
 Take a moment and imagine how hard this is on her. Take a moment to stand in her shoes. I can imagine she was too ashamed to tell you. Having an abortion is an extremely traumatic process. This is also in her past where you didnt exist in her life, "forgive and forget" - these issues have nothing to do with you. As humans we are constantly changing, the woman who had an std and an abortion isnt the woman you married and had a child with.
You need to let this go.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (21 September 2010):
You hopefully can find a way to let go. You now have a family, it would be a tragedy for your son to have divorced parents.
The good news is: the fact that this bothers you shows that you still love her. If you didn't love her, then you wouldn't care.
The bad news is you cannot ever forget or unlearn what you now know. You can only choose to not care about it anymore. This takes a conscious decision: to decide that the fact your wife had an abortion doesn't mean anything! It means you have to change your values and who you are a bit, to accept this. Not easy at all, but necessary if you are going to let this go.
The other thing you can do is learn to not obsess over these things. When you feel the thoughts coming into your head, and the bad feelings start, it is possible to relax and let them go. It's also difficult, but with practice gets easier.
For more information I recommend reading this article on this site:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
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