A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 28, my wife's 26. We have a 5-year-old son.Last night she said to me she had something to confess. I listened as she aadmitted to me she'd been having an affair with a 72-year-old man and that it was basically just sex for her, and that the man also said it was a sex-only thing too.She said to me that he was better in bed than me, and better at sex than me. This made me wince just hearing it. She also said about how his d**k was better than mine, and that he was a stallion in bed compared to me and my obesity! (I keep fit every day, and eat healthily, not to extremes, so how can I be obese!)She accused me of not being in the mood for sex when she wanted it, but every time I wanted it, she said no. There was nothing to suggest she was having an affair - not one thing that got me suspicious.I just can't get my head round it. Why would a 26-year-old woman want to sleep with a 72-year-old man?I later found out this man was married with a wife and grandkids - a well-known fact in our area. How could she go so low as to sleep with a married man??, and one who's 46 years her senior!I do love her, and don't want to divorce her, but she seems to want to leave me for him, the way her behaviour is recently - ignoring me, refusing sex, dressing slobbishly etc, ranting all the time - makes me wonder if she's having a breakdown.This man is well-known in our village for being kind and generous and is very popular (not in financial terms) - he's not wealthy. I don't understand why she went off with him - it can hardly have been for the money, so why?No matter how I try to resolve these issues in our marriage, my wife doesn't want to work on them.I feel disgusted by the whole thing, it gives me the creeps, but where should I go next with this?Mark
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2010): Get rid of her, Mark. Divorce her and get the hell away from her. Any 26-year-old woman who is sexually attracted to a 72-year-old man and actually has sex with him has major problems. No man wants this kind of behavior from a wife; indeed, it is almost unbelievable. And if she cheats with a 72-year-old man it won't take long for her to cheat with someone else, possibly some other geriatric. Get rid of her, pronto! Leave her and don't look back. You're much better off without her.
A
male
reader, JockoJ  +, writes (10 April 2009):
Sounds like she has some psychological problems. There is way to little information to tell honestly. She could have a daddy issue, want out of the marriage but is too passive to say so, she was molested by a much older man when she was young etc.
There really isn't any way to tell dude. Get her in some therapy and get some issues worked out. If she won't go to therapy you're in for a lifetime of this stuff. If she dose it will take years for her issues to get sorted out during which you'll have to be very supportive.
Did you marry her because you like to "rescue" people and she seemed like someone who needed it?
Too bad you're not one of those guys with a fetish for that sort of thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): I'm the woman who started my response with "I've read what the other aunts and uncles have written."I certainly do not see too many people on here trying to excuse how Mark's wife has behaved, or telling him HE has to "roll over and accept it." A number of others have called her a slut, and worse. The anonymous poster who said Mark needs valuable advice, not burying his family under the dirt is quite right.Yes, his wife DID act shamefully. To say nothing of how it affects the other man's wife and what she must be going through. The older man is certainly at fault for getting involved!What I'm saying - and others have indicated - is that Mark's wife must be a very unhappy woman. Now that is not to excuse her, not by any means.My point (and others too) is that behavior such as hers doesn't just come out of nowhere. Perhaps she DOES have a mental illness of some kind. Maybe her earlier experiences in life were troubled to the point that she has grown up with serious handicaps as far as making a good relationship goes.Even if that is not the case, we all know that long-term relationships or marriage are not always easy. Of course there's bound to be disagreements, frustrations and disappointments. But her behavior seems rooted in something way beyond those everyday difficulties.This is why I threw out some ideas for Mark's consideration: to see IF there is anything he can pinpoint when their relationship began to go seriously wrong and what part he might have played in causing it to begin a downhill slide.And all I'm saying THERE is simply that it takes two to tango, as the saying goes. I'm not trying to blame him.If Mark can truthfully say that he has always been considerate and loving then perhaps she does have a mental problem. Otherwise, if he wants to try to salvage his marriage it going to take a lot of willingness by both of them to make the attempt - and not only for them, but the sake of their son, who will suffer from all the hell going on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): why are we all now trying to justify and legitimize her wife's action. It seems as thought we are condoning her ways and expect Mark, to just forgive, forget, and accept her affair. It seems as though suddenly Mark is the mark. Why make him believe that there is something wrong with him. Why make him doubt himself, it was not him that has been sleeping around, it is his wife for goodness sake. Now we justify her behaviour. We make excuses, and we expect Mark to be the good guy and just roll over and accept his situation. Call a spade a spade, give Mark valuable advice but acknowledge his wife for what she has done and what she is. Suddenly it is more accepting to accept a woman that has committed adultery, we are less harsh, we are sooooo sympathetic and try to explain away her behaviour. Mark's wife has done wrong, she needs to account for her actions, she has humiliated him, she has betrayed him, she even betrayed this old man's wife and family. Does she care. NO. Imagine this old man's wife perhaps in her late 60's or early 70's having to start all over again. What will become of her. Have we no sympathy for this poor old lady that has done no wrong but who will have to pay the price of Marks wife and the 72 year old's affair. And we all are feeling sorry for Mark's wife. I just do not understand it. We are so critical, so harsh, so judgmental for other posters regarding their "crimes" yet with this situation we condone her behaviour, we accept her adultery, we accuse and blame other posters, why are we such hypocrites???
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): I've read what the other aunts and uncles have to say.
Yes, your wife has betrayed you and yes, she is behaving very, very selfishly.
Having said that, it strikes me that she probably has some sort of issue with you, because she is really striking out and saying all kinds of things to hurt and insult you. I think what you have there is one very angry woman. From what you tell us, her behavior has fairly recently changed for the worse (presumably since getting involved with this other man).
Unfortunately, women (and men) don't USUALLY just take off and start an affair with someone else out of the blue, UNLESS they are unhappy about something in their marriage or relationship. Please understand: I am in no way trying to excuse her behavior, or to minimize your shock, hurt and bewilderment.
Here's a few suggestions thrown out for you to think about:
What was she like before all this started? Was she friendly, fun, loving and respectful to you? Was she sweet-natured and on an even keel most of the time (apart from the stresses and frustrations, bits of temper and disappointments we all go through). Could the two of you talk easily - or at least talk calmly - about raising your son; work; finances, other problems? Or did communication between you always tend to be a bit difficult?
Has she brought up things previously where she seemed unhappy with your relationship? Has she ever indicated that she thought you are:
overly critical of her in general?
thinks you don't listen to her and/or don't value her ideas and opinions?
Bossy and demanding your own way most or much of the time?
Does she feel that you don't pull your own weight around the home in terms of housecleaning, shopping, looking after your son? A five year old can be very hard to deal with, much as you both love him, if your wife doesn't work, or is home alone with him all day, and doesn't get much chance to have a babysitter sometimes so that she can go out with women friends, or the two of you can socialize.
Can you think of anything at all that might have provoked her into erupting like this? How about your relationship with both your parents and siblings, friends, etc.?
I doubt that her carrying on with this older man is JUST about a big sexual attraction (though there's most likely an element of that). It sounds more, as I said to begin with, that she is angry/unhappy enough with you to want to hurt you, and this is a handy "weapon."
Lastly, sorry you are going through all this. I do hope that some of the possible "issues" I've mentioned might assist you in uncovering a sense of what might be triggering her to act like this. If so, you might be able to sit down with her when she's calmer and begin to talk about it. Then, I'd strongly recommend therapy for the two of you, if she is willing to try. If she is not willing to get into therapy, it would be an excellent idea for you to seek counselling for yourself.
Ultimately, only you can decide whether to try to salvage your marriage, or whether you want to let her go.
But before you make that kind of decision, I do think mrkhmcookie has given you some really good ideas on how to approach her........
Please, write again and tell us what transpires, and if we can be of any further help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): Mark if I'm not mistaken you mentions a five year old son. i really don't understand why your wife is so unhappy. It has to be something with her and not totally you. Maybe she could be going through a break down you never know. Having an affair is bad and i know it hurts people but look at what you have to deal with here your son. my advice would be to get therapy and get her to go with you. it is still early in your marriage. If you handle situations while it is early alot of times it can be fixed. I wish you all the best. At least give it a shot for your son. Then if she want I would get advice from somewhere besides this website. i hope you don't mind be speaking to one of the anonymous female advisers that responded to your question. to the first anonymous responder It is very easy to judge someone that is not present to defend what you say. I wonder what you would feel like getting advice and someone calling you a slut, village whore. There is no cause for that. He needs real advice not something to make him kill himself or even his wife. you don't know this situation you are only reading what he has said. Also TRASH is spelled like that not THRASH. I honestly think you owe this gentleman an apology for calling his wife that. you don't know her. did she make a mistake yes but that is no reason for someone to judge her and you don't even no her. Maybe you should look in the mirror and ask yourself am i a whore or slut. That maybe what people call you. its not nice to try and push him into divorcing her. he is here for help, not to hear you put down his family. Cheap excuse. I bet if she new you said that about her and she knew where you lived you would change your words very fast. I wonder why you are even giving advice like this to him. You should consider his feelings and dealing with all of this at one time and trying to raise his son. He needs lifting up not putting his family under the dirt. i sure they don't do people like that where you live. Or else you would be buried alive. Please watch how you reply to questions. I understand you may be trying to help but sometimes wording things the wrong way can hurt the person with the question more than it helping them. Thank you Mark for allowing me to get that off my chest.
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A
male
reader, tonym +, writes (8 April 2009):
My advice.. very simple and thats how you have to view it.
Your wife had the affair, these things happen for one reason or another, some people are selfish in their actions, others find themselves in an emotional whirlwind at a point where it happened and they simply didnt mean any harm.
In your case, this lady is all about self self self.
Now at this moment you will feel very low. The answer to it all is keep your dignity at all costs, do not let her reflect upon you in the future as weak. This is a test from her the biggest test i suspect a partner can do.
The test is how you deal with it.
You will be failing the test if you simply do not act like a man. Be the man tell her you are not prepared to accept this behaviour from her as your wife.
The options are if you love her tell her, but things must cahnge and she will have to wrok to return your respect. If she does not love you tell her to go, wish her well.
One thing i guarantee the 72 year old doesnt want her emotionally nor does she want him. This is where your strength lies. Do not remain a door mat anymore, again i say be the man... be on the team.. not the reserve bench.
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A
female
reader, mrkhmcookie +, writes (8 April 2009):
if you really care for her than i suggest you try to rekindle the flame. one day get a babysitter for your kid (so the house is all yours) wait til she gets home from somewhere (preferably not work so she's not all grouchy) wait a bit go up to her stroke her cheek, ask her about her day, remind her why you love her, look into her eyes intensely tell her that you love her more than anything and your so glad that you've made a family with her, start to kiss her, get a bit of passion in it and hopefully it will lead to amazing sex. For most women emotional "love making" is much better than "fucking",(especially an old saggy 72 yr old). Make everything all about her all day. give her everything you've got, including a good massage and maybe even cook for her, show her you still have some romance and some passion.
talk to her about all of this, keep the conversation calm, if it starts to get heated just let her finish her point and nod quietly and let it be, go do some housework or write or start a movie or play with your son.
Worst comes to worst, she admits to wanting him more romantically, ask her how her son would take it, guilt her a bit but not too much, remember women are coniving and smart. but i'd say if she wants to leave you for him, she's crazy, and crazy people don't deserve as much love as you seem to be putting out. :)
additionally: if things go very bad as i mentioned above, i'd tell the old guys family, yes it's kinda cold hearted, but his wife deserves to know, if she finds out on her own or if he confesses it to her like your wife did it would be extremely painful (you've got the rest of your life to find someone else she is most likely older and will take the longer relationship more preciously) so please...the right thing would be to let his wife know.
Oh and just to let you know, if all of this goes badly, just know that sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
good luck, i really hope everything goes ok for you!
:)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): Mark, your wife has committed the ultimate sin – by betraying her husband, and she is also the OW, in this old, old man’s life.
Does she respect you, NO. Does she respect herself, HELL NO. You cannot beat yourself up with what your wife has become. She has no self respect, no morals and no dignity. Yet, you are the one feeling bad and out of sorts.
Why do you want this woman that is acting like the village whore, why do you continue to try with a person who thinks so little of you and her marriage. She has demeaned you, humiliated you, and even berated you./ Yet you want her. Do you not have some sort of respect for yourself. You are a healthy individual, perhaps caring and loving. Why settle for this thrash. She may be your wife, but she sure does not act like one.
Let her go, she does not even want to salvage her marriage. Why hold on to the common slut, because that is what she is actually. Let the 72 yr old have her, what will he do with his wife in the meanwhile. People that have affairs, do so and leave a trail of unhappiness and devastation behind them. They do not care about the faithful, loyal spouse. It’s all about them. So do as she says and be rid of this rubbish in your life. After all, you deserve better. There are women out there that will give you their all, they want a true, loyal, faithful man and you will not be short of a partner. Yes it hurts like crazy and you cannot even comprehend what she has told you. With time, you will move on, your heart will heal and you will find THE ONE for you.
Do not make excuses for your wife’s behaviour. You may love her, but right now you must be loathing her, and rightly so. Her lover is also humiliating you, so he is generous and well liked, What are the villagers going to say when they find out his true nature, that he is a lying, cheating husband, doing the dirty with your wife. I feel sorry for his wife but this man needs to be exposed. You need to expose him and your wife. NOW. They do not deserve your silence.
So your wife says that this man is better in bed, the Viagra must be working. Do not let her blame you because no matter what you do you will not be good enough for her. She has decided this already and nothing you do will change this.
It s time to salvage your pride. Leave her to her old man. You please go ahead with your life. You are young and vibrant. You deserve better and believe me better is out there. Your common wife needs to go. NOW. Out of your life while you get on with yours. Do not waste any more time over this cheap excuse any longer.
You will survive this. Right now, you are looking for answers. Unfortunately you will not find all, but in the end you will find yourself. Right now, take care of yourself and do not let your wife continue to manipulate you. You are better of without her. Remember this. I hope you can provide a better stable home for your boy because his mother is behaving like nothing more than a common whore. It is so sad that he has to also go through this but at least he has 1 parent that is morally correct and that is you.
So chin up, you need to be strong for the days to come. You will survive this and become a winner. Your destiny awaits you without the burden of this scum. Go out and find it. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): You poor dear. Sounds like your wife is trying to tell you something. She's obviously not happy, so I wouldn't rule out divorce just yet. It might be the best thing for both of you.
Your wife didn't cheat because that guy had something you didn't, she just wanted to make you FEEL that way. Can you think why? She probably feels under appreciated, or has low self esteem. Her way of showing it, of course, is unacceptable.
You guys need marriage counseling, and fast. There's more to this story, I think. This is a a cry for help from your wife, and if you don't fix this up quick, divorce might be the only solution.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): Mark, your wife has committed the ultimate sin – by betraying her husband, and she is also the OW, in this old, old man’s life.
Does she respect you, NO. Does she respect herself, HELL NO. You cannot beat yourself up with what your wife has become. She has no self respect, no morals and no dignity. Yet, you are the one feeling bad and out of sorts.
Why do you want this woman that is acting like the village whore, why do you continue to try with a person who thinks so little of you and her marriage. She has demeaned you, humiliated you, and even berated you./ Yet you want her. Do you not have some sort of respect for yourself. You are a healthy individual, perhaps caring and loving. Why settle for this thrash. She may be your wife, but she sure does not act like one.
Let her go, she does not even want to salvage her marriage. Why hold on to the common slut, because that is what she is actually. Let the 72 yr old have her, what will he do with his wife in the meanwhile. People that have affairs, do so and leave a trail of unhappiness and devastation behind them. They do not care about the faithful, loyal spouse. It’s all about them. So do as she says and be rid of this rubbish in your life. After all, you deserve better. There are women out there that will give you their all, they want a true, loyal, faithful man and you will not be short of a partner. Yes it hurts like crazy and you cannot even comprehend what she has told you. With time, you will move on, your heart will heal and you will find THE ONE for you.
Do not make excuses for your wife’s behaviour. You may love her, but right now you must be loathing her, and rightly so. Her lover is also humiliating you, so he is generous and well liked, What are the villagers going to say when they find out his true nature, that he is a lying, cheating husband, doing the dirty with your wife. I feel sorry for his wife but this man needs to be exposed. You need to expose him and your wife. NOW. They do not deserve your silence.
So your wife says that this man is better in bed, the Viagra must be working. Do not let her blame you because no matter what you do you will not be good enough for her. She has decided this already and nothing you do will change this.
It s time to salvage your pride. Leave her to her old man. You please go ahead with your life. You are young and vibrant. You deserve better and believe me better is out there. Your common wife needs to go. NOW. Out of your life while you get on with yours. Do not waste any more time over this cheap excuse any longer.
You will survive this. Right now, you are looking for answers. Unfortunately you will not find all, but in the end you will find yourself. Right now, take care of yourself and do not let your wife continue to manipulate you. You are better of without her. Remember this. I hope you can provide a better stable home for your boy because his mother is behaving like nothing more than a common whore. It is so sad that he has to also go through this but at least he has 1 parent that is morally correct and that is you.
So chin up, you need to be strong for the days to come. You will survive this and become a winner. Your destiny awaits you without the burden of this scum. Go out and find it. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): Wow, your wife has problems, not because the man was so much older really, but because she is behaving so calously towards you, really mean, and I seriously doubt what she says is even true. She isn't a happy person and that is not just your fault, that is her responsibility to make herself happy, but she is going to a married man for attention and sex when she is married to you!
If it were me and you don't have kids yet with this woman, I would cut your losses and get divorced, file for it yourself. If you do have children who's lives would be affected then I suggest getting some counseling together right away...if she won't go, go by yourself to help yourself decide what to do next.
She has issues, sorry that you were hurt in this way, she is very self centered and something in your marriage is not working for her, but that is not the way you handle it. She should have turned to you and talked to you about it....the whole thing just sounds weird.....probably a whole lot more to her story that we don't know here.
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A
female
reader, ms.incredible +, writes (7 April 2009):
i think you should let her go, its hard but if she doesnt want to be with you whats the point of holding on to her. in the end shes the one thats going to regret everything she did
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): You poor guy! How could she be so cruel to say those things?
If you don't want to divorce her, my question is WHY?????
But to make this relationship heal, I suggest, therapy!!!
You will never get the image out of your head, since you know the man involved as well, it makes it even harder!
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