A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife has been having major stress at work and endinced working closely with a guy on a particular project for several weeks and during this time ive been working away for most of it, She has now told me she theyve slept together and thinks she wants to be with him, She is 40 and he is 60 (He has left his wife of 45 and is in a hotel) my wife says she doesnt know why shes done it and is disgusted with herself, we have a lovely home life,sex life and social life,Ive told her i can forgive and if anything this will make us stronger as i know deep in my heart she isnt thinking striaght at the moment as i can only imagine he is telling her everthing she wants to hear and also going off to a hotel is exciting at the moment, Ive told her to get some space both from me and him and have a good think about the whole thing, Am i doing the right thing ?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2009): You are dealing with her actions in a very mature and thoughtful way. And she will be MUCH LESS likely to come back to you because of it.
She violated the hell out of your marriage, she pushed you as far as anyone can ever push their spouse, and you reacted by giving in and trying to help her even more. Now I bet she will be more attracted to him than you because he is more of a challenge than you are now. You think you are doing what's in her best interest but it's not what is in YOUR best interest.
I suggest you toss some of this maturity, get pissed off, and give her a little old fashioned fear of losing you. She is the one who needs to be busting her ass to make things right between you and her.
I know you probably think I don't understand how you are really feeling right now. I know you probably think you are more adult than that and you just want the long term situation to work out between you and her. But that's the point - it doesn't matter whether you are angry at her or not. You NEED to be angry at her if you ever expect to get her respect back! SHE needs to get the message that you won't tolerate what she has done under any circumstances!
If she doesn't respect you then she will never come back to you no matter how much she is grateful to you for anything.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2009): Hey am going thru something simillar and i think you should look for someone else, because it sounds like she dont care about your reletionship anymore. A second chance means that she would only chead onces more. so skip that problem and find someone that will take care of you, their are plenty of women out there, it shoulnd't be hard. GOOD LUCK BROTHER.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): I think you are being far too kind. Being stressed at work is no excuse for this type of behaviour. But speaking from experience I would not give her a second chance, if she does it once, she will do it again.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (11 November 2009):
 Why are you asking?
You are the injured party here, yet you seem to be doing everything to make it easy for her.
Perhaps that is part of the problem? If you can accept what happened, then you are a more noble person then me but I would at least make it VERY clear that what she has done is completely wrong and that this "time apart" is the last chance for her to come to her senses and make amends or it is over AND the divorce will mention that she is the one who cheated to determine the settlement.
I detect no anger over her cheating and that seems odd. What is missing from this story to explain that?
Others mention that your wife and her lover are running away. But aren't you doing the same? You readily found excuses for why your wife was fucking someone else the moment your back was turned. Aren't you running away from what has happened by so easily forgiving her?
I just can't picture any man being so calm about his wife cheating.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): I think you have the right approach. Once she is isolated away from her home and from you there will be a real sense of loss for that familiarity. She will have to assess all that she will be giving up. And for what purpose.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): It is very easy for someone to try and rationalise what they have afterwards, stress at work etc etc but people do what suits them at the time. You dont just end up in bed with someone or leave your wife/husband. it takes quite a series of decisions and some determination.To me it seems she is hedging her bets and seeing how things go with him. Giving her space is good but she is not getting space she is getting him which is a very different thing. You obviously must think a lot of her if you are prepared to put yourself at the bottom of the pile and wait for her to either let you know she is going to make a life with him or that it wont work with him so she will come back to you.Something went wrong and she went to him. if she comes back what will happen next time she is busy at work?? There are ways of working this out but i would suggest you cant do that if she continues to see him and it seems she had plenty of space from you when you worked away. look where that ended. You should conisder some counselling as a couple to bring out what is behind it all and open up some more direct communication. It may go either way for you but at least you will have active and not a passive player in someone elses gameplan.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 November 2009):
I agree with Gina. You are doing right to allow her space to think, but as was said, it won't work if she's going to see him. So she really needs to be honest with you. I think you deserve that. It sounds to me like she's currently running away, as is her lover, who is also married. The truth of the matter is the chances are low that it will work out between them, but it could. However, if she comes back to you, you really need to be sure that you want to work through it.
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