A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife left me for another man last year, she was carrying this hidden affair for a while. I was clueless or chose to be blind about it. She broke my heart because I really do love her, I tried really hard to get her to come back and she did. She came back to me and I was extremely happy. The problem is that she is pregnant and I'm not sure if it's mine. There is a chance it might be mine but there is also a chance it's not mine because of the timing. I can live and forget the past but I can't let go of the fact that this child may not be mine. I don't know what to do, I love her but I can't accept this child if it's not mine. She claims that the baby is mine that they used a condom the whole time but I can't feel an attachment, I don't feel happy excited like I did with my other two daughters when she was pregnant. I don't believe her about the condom and I don't want to raise another man's child! I will take a paternity test when the child is born, but that doesn't change the fact that I can't make her choose and if the child is not mine what am I supposed to do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): I understand what you mean but I believe in second chances I think my wife has change and appreciates and values the trust I'm giving her again. The problem here is that the affair that cause me so pain had consequence. I would have honestly let it go and move on towards a better future, I also have two daughters I have to think on. My family is very important I wish I could accept this child if it were not mine but at this point this is stronger than me. I don't consider myself a weak man I think I'm stronger than most because I can be stubborn but choose not too for my family sake. The only problem I have is not knowing whose kid she carrying. Our relationship at this point is not good and this is how I know I can't accept this pregnancy and don't feel a connection to her and have a strong feeling this child is not mine. I think I already know what's in our near future, this makes me sad but I can't torment myself day in day out, she had the affair I guess she has to pay the consequence because Im most likely walking out. If at some point I feel I can accept this child than I may consider coming back but I will not be involve in this child's life unless I truely know I won't hold grudges on him since this child is innocent to this all. Thank you all for your time.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): Dude you need to leave her. Even if this baby turns out to be yours you never know about the next time. And yes there is a high possibility there will be a next time, maybe even with the same guy. Their relationship may not be over. She did leave you for him after all, that shows that it wasn't just a one night stand, it was serious and not that long ago. Feelings don't just disappear overnight.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): @the male anon :"Men are usually less able to accept a child whose paternity is in question. Women are more likely to feel that the DNA is not a big deal. "Yeah, but when the tables are turned so are the reactions. When it's the husband who had an affair and fathered a child outside the marriage, then it's the betrayed wife who can't accept that child. but since the biological mother usually has custody, in this situation the child would not be in the marital home but with the homewrecker while the husband visits. Still, people would tell the betrayed wife she needs to accept her husband developing a relationship with his child from this affair. (some people might even then elevate the mistress because she had a child and not call her a homewrecker anymore but a Mother). Just saying I seen it go both ways.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): Um, grow a pair? Sorry, but someone has to tell it to you straight: Women don't cheat if they are in love. She doesn't respect you. She came back to you because it was easier and perhaps more practical than to leave. She is a loser and a zero quality female and does not deserve to be in a relationship. You were a fool for taking her back. She has no respect for you, and never will. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... You know the rest.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): DO NOT feel guilty about being unable to accept the other man's child.
Men are usually less able to accept a child whose paternity is in question. Women are more likely to feel that the DNA is not a big deal.
What a surprise, both sexes tend to feel whichever way was best for the natural selection of their ancestors. Women usually stand to gain from keeping paternity secrets. Men usually stand to lose a lot more.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): "I know that a father is the one who raises the child but in my case I don't think I can, I don't want to be mean to this child that is in no fault but a result of an adultery affair. Things would be different if this child was mine because that means I could look towards the future and forget all the hurdles that got in our way and I would see our child as a blessing, and a reason to maintain together and fight for our family to stay together and to grow strong. "How about trying to think about it this way. If you love your wife and want to be a family with her, then this new child is a new beginning for your family, REGARDLESS of whose genes it has. you're saying if it has your genes then it's looking towards the future. If it has her lover's genes then it's looking towards the past? Why not instead make the decision that this child is going to represent the future of your family regardless and genes has nothing to do with it.The thing is that, you shouldn't be trying to forget the past and your wife's betrayal. That's not healthy. That's called being in denial. I understand that it gives quicker results in the present, but it's really just sweeping all the hurt and issues under the rug. in the long run it will come back to haunt you and because you skipped over the hard work of processing and analyzing and dealing with the relationship problems and confronting all the issues in your wife and in you in relation to her, and all that hurt and pain and betrayal, in the end all these issues will still be there rather than resolved. And all you will be able to do is to keep running from it.If you work on repairing your relationship - which is incredibly difficult and very very painful after adultery has happened - you may succeed or you may fail. But if you succeed, the relationship is REAL. It is solid. It is authentic. It is not the same relationship you had before this happened, it is better. If you succeed in repairing the marriage, you may find that you can accept this child as yours even if genetically it was from her lover. You will not feel threatened by the child, it will be a blessing to you because you are a family!If you just forget the past so you can 'move on' now, that's short circuiting the process by avoiding the harshest pain and disturbing truths. Then, of course, you will spend the rest of your life avoiding anything that reminds you of the past. And, of course, the child born from her lover will be the constant trigger of your unresolved issues and a constant threat to your security. And you won't be able to tolerate seeing this child.I'm just saying that there is a way to work towards accepting this child who is partly from her lover. It is not easy, and it is not guaranteed to work, but if you are willing to do the work it may be possible. You have a reason to do it - because you love your wife and you want to continue being a family with her. Isn't that reason enough to try to work towards accepting this child from her affair. but if you are just trying to forget your wife's adultery and NOT actually working to resolve the issues that caused it and which it caused subsequently, and the feelings involved, then her affair will always be an open wound that you will forever be running away from and hiding from, and anything that reminds you of that will be a threat to your security.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): I wanted to add a little more, I would never have her choose and I would honestly lose respect for her if she was to choose me over her child. She already left me once for a another man but to leave your child for a man is just cold even if that man is me. This will not work I will resent her for doing this and would feel guilty to be the cause of mother abandoning her child. If I simply can't accept it Ill leave but will never seperate mother from child.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): Wise Owl E When my wife and I got back together was because I love her not because I wanted to take her from that other man, and I should rephrase my words I took her back that's how we got back together. She made a mistake that she regretted and wanted to come back home to me. I would not have a problem raising a child that's not mine, that's not an issue, what is a problem to me is having a constant reminder every single day of her betrayal if the baby turns out being her lovers kid. I can't say I'm perfect but I have been faithful a hard worker and have always been there for my family, my wife and kids were always number one in my life, that I felt I didn't deserve her betrayal. I looked pass it and forgave her which I truly believe I did. I don't throw anything in her face I want to be happy I want to make her happy, but this is something I can't comntrol. I was willing to let go of the pass and look towards our future but with child on the way I can't say I feel the same. I know that a father is the one who raises the child but in my case I don't think I can, I don't want to be mean to this child that is in no fault but a result of an adultery affair. Things would be different if this child was mine because that means I could look towards the future and forget all the hurdles that got in our way and I would see our child as a blessing, and a reason to maintain together and fight for our family to stay together and to grow strong. My wife is aware of my thought my feelings she insist the child is mine and nobody else's but I personally don't want that responsibility if I will have to wait to get the paternity test and decided then but most likely I'm going to have to break up my marriage because I don't think I could ever love this child. I might sound harsh and mean but I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling angry and taking my anger out on my wife and her new kid. I really hope this baby is mine for the sake of our family. Thank you all for your comments advise and thoughts.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 August 2013):
 Legally if you two are married the baby is yours in many states. Check to see if your state adheres to "the lord Mansfield rule" which means that whomever the woman is married to when she gives birth is the legal father.
If you are going to carry resentment, and anger, and punish this child, then you should end your marriage NOW so that you are
a. not legally responsible for this child you don't want and
b. you don't mistreat the child (not on purpose but your subconscious will cause lots of problems for you and said child)
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (27 August 2013):
 Do not stay in a relationship where you cannot accept the child, it is unfair on you and on the kid who will be a consistent reminder of your wife being unfaithful. I also do not believe its fair to ask your wife to chose you or the kid, the kid get deprived of a mother because the mother could not keep her raging hormones in control.
If this baby is not your, you need accept the relationship is over. Do what's best for you and the kid, your wife has no rights in this decision as she lost it when she chose to be unfaithful and hurt you , humiliate you and come to you pregnant. Sounds like there is a high probability of this kid being a product of the affair.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): If the paternity test shows the other guy is the father, then what? Will you divorce her? If yes then why would you stay if the paternity test showed you are the father? She committed adultery and chose to leave you. Now whether the baby has your genes or his is purely coincidental. If its yours it was just a coincidence. If its his it is also a coincidence because if she was sleeping with 2 men then it is just pure chance which one's sperm made it.So why would your marriage or divorce decision hinge on something that happened by chance, rather than on the events which were premeditated and willful (her affair and her leaving you and then deciding to come back) .It just seems to me that the genetics of this baby should not be the deciding factor. Your wife's disloyalty, her willingness to lie, her willingness to leave you for someone else, her capriciousness in choosing who to leave or who to be with...those seem to me to be much more important to focus your concerns on...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): As hard and gut wrenching as this is, you are facing a test of your commitment to the marriage. She broke her marriage vows so you have every right to divorce her. But since you've chosen to keep her even going so far as to pursue her to get her back from the man she left you for, you are thus choosing to continue to place yourself under the obligation to keep your own marriage vows.And part of that vow is to love and cherish your spouse in good times and bad. That means, if you want to be married to this woman you have to accept her new child even if the biological father is the guy she had the affair with. The baby is part of your wife so if you want to be her husband you have to take on this child too, as a step father. You don't have to accept anything of course. Your revulsion at the idea of a baby born from your wife having sex with another man is natural. You can divorce her and in fact I personally think you should. But if you choose to stay in this marriage to her then that means you are taking on the obligation to this child as well since it is part of your wife and your marriage vows include standing by your wife through bad times. If you really can't get over that feeling of revulsion then you need to divorce her so you can heal and move on. If you want to stay married then I encourage you to make the decision to accept this child and raise it even if it is not biologically yours. Because in a marriage you have to be a team and a family. Your wife's child is also your child even if it doesn't share your genes. If you can only love a child who has your genes then that negates this marriage. This is not a moral judment on you as I don't think many people could accept such a situation. I dont think i could if i were in your shoes, i would opt to divorce because of the infidelity. I am just stating a fact that this has to be an all or nothing situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): I'm sorry you are going through this.I'm the woman who has done the same thing to my husband. I had an affair. I got pregnant. I thought the baby was my husband's.I had a beautiful baby girl. She is the love of our lives. She means more to me (and my husband) than anything. At the request of my ex-lover I took a DNA test. That baby girl was my ex-lover's. I had to make a decision. Tell my husband the baby was not his or pretend that he was the biological father. I was pressured by my ex to tell my husband. It was terrible. I didn't want to hurt my husband. This little girl knew my husband as her father for the first 18 months. I left the house. I wanted to never tell my husband and give my ex the relationship he stated he wanted with her. I gave my husband the option to be her dad or not be her dad. My husband told me that he loves "his" little girl with all his heart. He did not want me to take her away from him. He went to a lawyer to ensure he would not lose her. Her biological dad left. He "tried" to have contact with her. He gave up. He never offered a penny towards her care being. He couldn't be bothered to be her real DAD. What I'm saying is, you can choose to love this baby and your wife or not. My little girl is lucky to have this man in her life that loves her more than anything. You need to do what is best for you. Don't put a baby (child - adulthood) in a position that feels unloved, unsecure, and not care for. A child deserve the love of all involved. It deserves a positive relationship with a man who will bring balance into his/her life. My little girl is happy, confident but most of all loved by all in this family. It was a choice. Gratefully, it wasn't a hard choice to make. DNA had nothing to do with it!Honestly, good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): What does your wife suggest? Sometimes the best course of action is to sit back and see where the road takes you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): I'm so sorry you're in this position!! this is truly horrible and there is no easy way out.If you're positive that you just cannot accept this baby IF it is not biologically yours, then you have only two options:a) You and your wife agree to give the baby up for adoption, to save the marriage. Maybe the biological father (the affair partner) will take full custody of the baby and your wife signs away her parental rights. Or the baby gets adopted to a new family entirely. Either way, your wife has to be willing to give the baby up to save the marriage. I have seen situations where this did happen, because it was the only way to save the marriage. I personally do NOT think this is as horrible as some people may think. I mean, I have many family members and friends who were adopted, they are perfectly normal happy healthy people!! The child will still have every bit as much a chance to grow up in a loving family as if it were to stay with the biological parent and their betrayed spouse (possibly an even higher chance to have a normal happy and healthy life if adopted out!)b) you just have to leave your wife if she will not agree to option (a). No one can force you to accept this baby. If my husband got someone else pregnant I don't think I could accept the baby. As a result I would divorce my husband. Because if you stay married and your spouse has another child with someone else, then - similar to the case when it's a child from a previous marriage - the other biological parent will always have the right to be in the picture and have precedent over you when it comes to matters involving this child, which can make you feel like a third wheel in your own marriage!! But whereas this is already hard enough and causes conflicts in the case of children from previous marriages, when it's from an affair there is so much extra pain and hurt from the betrayal, and such lack of trust in the weak marriage, that to continually have the affair partner in your life in some way, because they share your spouse's child, is just too much to expect anyone to deal with, IMO. If your wife refuses to give the child up for adoption, and if you still want to stay married to her, then you are going to have to accept the child. Then, you might want to change your thinking about what it means to be a family and why it is so significant to you to be biologically related. For example: are you unable to accept the child because it represents the betrayal? Or because it doesn't have your own DNA in it? If it's the latter reason, does this mean that if your wife had never betrayed you but already had kids from a previous relationship before you knew her, that you would not accept them?If you can't accept the child because it represents your wife's betrayal, I can understand that and NO ONE should shame you for it. But if you can't accept the child just because it doesn't have your DNA like a child from a previous relationship before you met your spouse, then this is shallow and egotistical thinking, IMO, and you would do well to try to change this attitude. So to summarize, for your question: "if the child is not mine what am I supposed to do?"Option 1: ask your wife to give the child up for adoption. Either hand over full custody to the biological father, or the child gets adopted to a completely new family. You should not force her to give up the child, but at least give her the opportunity to think about it and make the decision. Who knows, she might feel this is the best choice too. Option 2: if she doesn't want to give the child up for adoption, then you should divorce her.Option 3: if she doesn't want to give the child up for adoption, and you don't want to divorce her, then you are just going to have to change your thinking and accept this child. You may look into legally adopting the child as your own, meaning that legally YOU will be the father, not the guy who got her pregnant. The child will then have your last name, and you have full parental rights similar to your other two kids. If the biological father wants to stay as the father, then your relationship with the child would be as a step-parent, i.e. similar to when people marry but already have children from past relationships. Don't wait until the baby is born and you take a paternity test. Assume for now, that the baby is NOT biologically from you, and start seriously considering the above options as if this were a fact. Because once the baby is born, it will need to be cared for round the clock by SOMEONE, and you need to have "chosen your side" by then because if you're going to leave then you should leave. If you're going to stay then your help is needed to look after the infant.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): Its just nature doing what is best for the breed. Your wife has an affair with some sexy alpha guy just long enough to get pregnant. Then she comes back to "old reliable" you, who probably makes a much better father than the guy she had an affair with. She is very sorry so you "do the right thing" and raise the kid, hoping its yours but it probably is not. The other guy gets a free kid raise by someone else. The child gets the benefits of both genes from the affair and parenting from you. The mother is very sorry and feels guilty but the bottom line is she gets away with it. You are the only one who loses big-time in this scenario.Don't get me wrong. I'm sure your wife never consciously planned it out to end up this way. But this is how nature likes to arrange things whenever possible. Since men traditionally could not know who was really the father it had a great chance of working.But its 2013 and now we have paternity tests. There is no question of whether the paternity of this child will eventually be known. Sooner or later it will be. Genetic screenings in future medical care will reveal it if nothing else. The only question is, do you want to find out the paternity before you commit and start raising the child as your own, or after you have already invested years into this? I suggest you get the DNA test first.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 August 2013):
 You do know that the child needs to know their biological father.
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (27 August 2013):
 Your wife left you for another man a year ago.
She finds herself pregnant, it could be his or yours.
Do you not think it's strange that she returns to you when she's pregnant? Does the other guy know? does he not want it? If he doesn't know are you guys going to tell him?
You knew she'd had an affair, you were understandably hurt but you endeavoured to get her back.
Now there's a baby........you can take the paternity test but what if he/she isn't yours?
A biological father is just that, what makes a dad is being there for a child.
I think you both need professional counselling and help to work through this intricate tangle of emotions.
AB x
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 August 2013):
 Sounds like you need to wait for the paternity test before you make any decisions, based on your list of can and cannot dos.
Why not come back then?
In the meantime, go find a good professional marriage counselor. It sounds as though you didn't really work through the ramifications of her affair, if you are struggling so much. You seem to think the only problem is that she may be pregnant by someone else. The real problem is that there was someone else and you never got to why that happened.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): I'm sure the fact that your wife had an affair and betrayed you, broke your heart. But as regards the baby, in my opinion, blood is NOT thicker than water.
Is it social convention that's making you choose whether or not you'll love this baby, whether the baby is yours or not?
I am not trying to sound harsh.
Obviously you were hurt, but from my experience it is the caregiver of a child that the child loves, whether the caregiver is a parent, grandparent, non-immediate family etc. My point is that when children are developing attachments, it isn't neccessarily the blood-relatives that develop the strongest bonds with the children, because people's family circumstances aren't always "straight-forward", or conventional.
So what I'm saying is that blood really isn't an issue when there just innate love for a baby.
I think the hurt you experienced due to your wife's affair has left you hurt and tainted and I fear that you are using that hurt to stop yourself from developing an attachment to the baby.
Perhaps things would be complicated for you if the child isn't yours and the other man becomes involved in the baby's life. But if you choose to raise this child as your own, regardless of whether you're the baby's blood father or not, shouldn't matter. That sounds quite easy to say, and I know that it's not as simple, as me just saying it, but you must try not to let your hurt infringe on the love you'll have for this little bundle.
Perhaps you could consider speaking to a therapist, someone outside of your situation who, can help and advise you and hopefully help you overcome your hurt and pain and prepare you for the arrival of the baby into your life.
It is a very difficult situation, but perhaps you should give it time, after the baby is born and after a few months or a year or two, decide then, whether you still want to do a paternity test. Please don't resent the baby for the dire mistake your wife made, you and this baby share the fact that you both are innocent victims in this tough time. This baby will be something new for you both to focus on, in your lives.
Basically you need to find peace with what has happened, somehow, for the sake of your daughters and the baby, and perhaps therapy will help you with that.
You were hurt and you have every right to be in pain and upset, but if you let it keep hurting you, you will not allow yourself the chance to have a proper loving relationship with the baby and for your own sake and the baby's sake, both of you deserve to love each other as much as any caregiver loves and adores the person they're caring for.
Every child and person is different, despite personality traits they get from their blood parents, children are shaped by those who raise them, they love their caregivers, the people who are in their lives, raising them, loving them and caring for them. And despite what society says, it doesn't matter whether the parents are blood related or not. As long as the child is having a life as good with people who'll do the best for them.
Give yourself the chance to love this baby, you and this baby could have a fantastic, beautiful, loving bond, stronger than you could imagine, but you need to be in a place where you allow yourself to be opened to it.
The very best of Luck, I really hope you find peace and happiness and have a strong, loving bond with the little ray of light.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): Are you sure you really took her back, because you loved her; or because you couldn't handle the fact she left you for another man?
All of a sudden, there are conditions. The possibility that the child is his, is highly probable. So you'll through her out if it is? From hot to cold? You might have taken her back to prove to yourself you could get her back.
However; deep inside, you don't really want her back. You just wanted her away from him. It may have been your ego that motivated you to take her back. However; who says he can't take financial responsibility for the child, if it's his? I think you couldn't handle the thought of your wife with another man. So it was your mission to reclaim her.
You said you will not accept it if it isn't yours. So how are you treating her in the meantime? The child is innocent. You reintroduced your wife back into your life. Man-up to some responsibility here; and show compassion.
She is a pregnant woman. Emotionally, you have her sitting on pins and needles. A passive-aggressive form of punishment.
My suggestion is that you let her go, and move on. Your baby or not. You're not really okay with all this. You can't deal with what she did. I sense the nobility is just a front.
Something else will crop up later on. You are just internalizing your resentment; and taking it out on an innocent little baby. Your passive-aggressive behavior is going to be truly destructive in the long run.
I'm not saying you're a bad guy in all of this. I just see something in your post that says you're not alright; with or without the baby drama.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): "if the child is not mine what am I supposed to do?"
Either stay with your wife and raise the child together or else leave her. No other options, not fair to her for you to put retroactive conditions on resuming your marriage and not fair to the child for you to resent him/her due to the circumstances of conception.
If you truly love your wife, then you have to get past your possessiveness in claiming paternal proprietary rights as the basis for accepting to her child. Any fertile male can be a sperm donor, it takes a real man to be a father, especially to a child who is not biologically his.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 August 2013):
Does the guy she had the affair with know she is now pregnant? If it is not yours, you plan on telling him right?
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