A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello! I'm really hoping someone can shed some light on this for me. I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 months now and at first he seemed like such a gent, hence the reason I wanted to be with him! Anyway, there's been a few peculiar happenings, which is making me think 'does he really want to be with me?' Basically, he asked me out after like a month and everything seemed fine. Only now he insults me quite a lot and I feel like he's trying to control me. When I approached him about it, he seemed genuinely upset and has said he wants to treat me how I deserve to be treated. Here's a few examples of what he's said to me 'my ex didn't have a backbone', 'two girls said I smell amazing', 'why do you always wear dresses? Don't you wear anything else?', 'when I got too close with my exes, I freaked out'. Whenever we've had sex he's also been quite insulting, always discussing the smell etc I know it sounds horrid but I just don't understand. I'm genuinely so laid back and have just sorta let the comments fly off, till one day he just insulted me too much. He goes quiet a lot and blames it on being tired. I don't think this is the case but I don't keep asking and just leave him to it. I just don't really understand what he wants and as I said I haven't really asked because I just want us to have a good time with no worries and no awkwardness. He's making it very difficult and I feel I have to watch what I say in case he doesn't like it. That isn't right is it? The thing is I really like him and when he's a gent, he's lovely. I just haven't been in this type of situation before and don't know how to approach it with him. He always talks about how he just dumped his exes for being 'bad kissers' or stuff like that, he always goes on about his exes. Please help me, anyone! A guys take on this would be appreciated too. I just don't understand why he'd ask me out then start to treat me this way. It's like he's got a split personality. Thanks for reading! :)
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his ex, kisser, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice everyone, you're all clearly saying the same stuff and I already began to have suspicions, which is never a good sign. Thanks so much for taking the time to help :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): Would you talk to someone you care about like that? And then blame it on "having a bad day" or whatever. Of course not... what decent person tries to break someone like this? Like aunty Babbitt said he can't just jump straight in and start hitting you about... No he has to gradually and subtlety break you down, chip away at your self esteem so you're weak, vulnerable and controllable.
He's poison, don't put up with this for a second longer.
Take care xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): His behaviour hasn't changed you are just seeing him for what he really is. And what he is, is a horses arse.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (27 August 2013):
 This is how domestic abuse starts.
The abuser starts by making small insulting comments to their victim about friends, previous relationships, their clothes etc.
This behaviour escalates as the victims self esteem plummets.
The victim soon feels worthless and clings to their abuser, grateful for their "love and attention" believing no-one else could possibly like them.
Emotional abuse is very destructive and can lead to physical abuse.
This was my experience, my first b/f did this and it was only when he threw a bin bag at me at the top of stairs and I fell down them that the veil lifted. (it was the first time he'd ever got physical but the emotional and verbal abuse had gone on for years).
I got mad and stood up to him, I left the same day. He begged me for months to give him a second chance but I never looked back.
I got a life, got married had 2 beautiful kids.
Please don't hang around someone who is so poisonous.
You're in the first flush of a relationship it should be a happy, fun, exciting time.
Please find someone worthier of you. AB x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 August 2013):
 I think his Mr Jekyll (gent) is not his real persona, that is just what he uses to reel a girl in. He is all Hyde.
And don't forget this is not about you. This is all him. You DO not have to accept anyone treatment of you. If someone (even a guy you like) treat you like shit, you can CHOOSE to walk away.
YOU did nothing wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for this advice. I think for once, I'm gonna listen to someone else's advice. He is just being pure awful.
Thank you for confirming what I already thought :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 August 2013):
It's ONLY been 3 months, I'd cut my loses on this one, he will ONLY escalate.
He said his ex had no backbone - it probably means he treated her that way too and felt he was somehow ENTITLED to treat girls this way. He seems to have VERY little respect for women in general. Makes me wonder if this is how his dad treated his mom, or if he is just a pompous ass.
He is trying to "groom" you into accepting his ABUSE (because that is what it is - VERBAL/psychological abuse)
SHOW him some SPINE and dump his dumb ass.
Don't waste any more time on him.
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