A
male
age
41-50,
*reeG35
writes:My wife had serious problems in her family several years ago, including a father who was terminally ill. It took years for him to die and it was a long downward spiral as his brain atrophied. He eventually passed away right around the time I lost my job, we ended up in heavy debt and she found out she would always be unlikely to conceive.I did my best to be supportive and love her through it all. We stayed together and I thought we were getting better.Right around this time I was told by her work friends that my wife had a boyfriend at work. This led to a lot of fighting and conflict between us. I thought we would end up splitting but I didn't want this to happen. Once we were talking again and trying to reconcile, I found out the truth about her situation. She had the work boyfriend but had been cheating with men for about a year while her father was ill. When I thought she was going to see him to take care of him, she often was spending time out socializing. She would regularly end up going home with a supervisor or workmate during this time and was having random encounters with men during the day as well. She did things with these men she has never done with me and I worried seriously for her health and safety after learning what was going on. I will make clear I have never asked her to do these things and do not want her to. One man threatened her with violence after she went with him for an afternoon, and on another occasion a group of male colleagues coerced her out of her clothing at an out of town work party.She fortunately was not sick or pregnant during this time. The chaotic part of her behavior ended and she was eventually seeing only the man that her friends called her boyfriend when I found out. I insisted she end it and we moved away to her hometown a few weeks later. She got work but I continued to struggle. During this time she asked me for an open marriage and decided she wanted to attend sex clubs though she ultimately did neither and decided to stay with me.So we've managed to stay together once all of this ended. We've gotten counseling especially for my anxiety that arose during all of this. I'm also on an ativan prescription. We've gotten stronger, I love her very much and she has been for over a year a better wife than she had ever been before.So my problem is that for several months now I have experienced real bouts of anger, not toward her but in general given that our great lives went south so fast so quickly. I also find myself feeling depressed and anxious fairly often, and jealous of her friends and colleagues though they are not the same people and we are hours from where this went on. I still worry sometimes that this will happen again and sometimes feel she is a stranger.Why am I feeling this way when things have gotten so much better between us? Why did we survive this only for me to begin to hate so much of life now? Thank you.
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at work, conceive, debt, depressed, jealous, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 December 2014):
 In the midst of the crisis, you were in triage mode. You had to prioritize what you dealt with which meant what you thought and how you felt about it all was put on the back burner.
Now that all those issues have passed and things seem much better, you now have the opportunity for self examination and a much safer climate in which to do it.
So what you're experiencing now is perfectly normal and understandable.
OP, I suspect you are angry with your wife, at least in part, but you haven't given yourself permission to admit it. Maybe you believe that because her behaviour caused her more harm than god, that she's already learned her lesson, you're not allowed to be angry about how it affected you. Well, you are allowed and that too, is understandable.
A
male
reader, lifesgreat  +, writes (3 December 2014):
Maybe you lied to yourself about it ? I mean as a man and when finding out your wife has been having affairs , you even said thankfully she was not sick or pregnant . That is understanding ... I mean if it was me that would not be my main concern .You also mention that she has done things with other men that you haven't ... Again for me that would make my blood boil! So to me it almost feels although you have been really forgiving with her in a lot of ways .. you might of been actually holding your actually feelings deep inside and they are starting to surface now.I might be wrong ...but you have took a lot of pain .Also the only reason she ended it was because you found out ... so it was the fact she got caught and not a case of her suddenly feeling guilty .good luck mate
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2014): I don't know why you think you deserve to put up with a wife like this.
The anger is your self esteem telling you to leave.
You were too scared and too shocked at the time to make any drastic decisions like leaving but now that it is calm, you can see clearly that you deserve better.
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