A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife of many years recently confessed to me that she was sexually abused. It was something I suspected based on her behaviors over the years I have known her. She said that she has told no one else and she did not divulge any details to me. Her older sister is extremely dismissive of her and exhibits some signs of sexual abuse herself. For instance, she is divorced and one of the main reason she got divorced is that her husband insisted on "doing things to me." I can't say for sure what happened in their childhood, if anything. However, the two sisters have been fighting a lot over the years with the older sister insisting that they had a childhood that taught her how to be independent with my wife insisting that they were neglected. The older sister sees her as needy and weak. To add complications to this, the older sister has a child who she often neglects. She justifies this by saying that she was neglected and yet she turned out just great; in fact, it made her stronger. I am at the point where I just want to tell my sister-in-law that something happened to my wife and that she needs to be a lot more compassionate about it and also take care to pay more attention to her own son so that the same doesn't happen. I realize that this should really be my wife's story to tell, but I think that if her sister knew their relationship might really improve. I can tell her sister or I suppose I can urge my wife to do the same. How do I handle this? I cannot handle being the only person who knows that my wife acts the way she does sometimes because of what happened in her past.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): I also agree that you shouldn't say anything to your sister in law. That would totally break your wifes trust in you. However, I would urge her to at least talk to a counselor or therapist. They would be able to give her the opportunity to hear possible advantages to opening up about it. Try noty to push her too hard though. My own mother was absued as a child and although it wasn't a complete secret it was still hard for her to talk about it and believe me it affected her in so many ways. But she hadn't been able to move past it and start to recover really until she had confronted it head on. The person who abused your wife could be someone as close as her own father and she may be conflicted by demonizing someone who she feels she has to love. My mom forgave her father eventually and she never wanted to ruin the life of the only family she had left. If who ever it was who hurt her as a child is still around in her life in some way that may be a huge reason for her to keep it bottled up. I think you should just say to her sister point blank that she is cold hearted and she needs to think about showing a little more compassion for her sister and consider that her own son may grow up with the same outlook as your wife as opposed to her own opinion of their childhood. She could just be so hardened to your wife supposed 'weakness' out of guilt of not protecting her better as children. She is the older one. But I definitely think you talk to your wife and suggest she deal with this professionally because if it reall did happen, it doesn't just go away. It can eat her alive and she doesnt even have her sisters support. Good luck and my heart is with you, your wife and her family. Good luck and God bless you all.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 July 2011):
I wouldn't say anything at all to the sister.
Your wife has obviously been through a huge amount, and it took real courage for her to say what she did to you. That won't have been easy, and it shows that she has total trust in you and knows that you won't hurt her.
I think that if you say something to her sister, even with your good intentions, your wife might feel totally betrayed because you've said something so personal. I think she told you what happened after a lot of soul searching, and I think she did it because of all people, she wants you to know what happened.
You say you can't handle being the only one who knows what happened - but basically you have to, because that's your job as her husband. Don't underestimate the damage that can still be done if you break her confidence right now. She'll never open up again, and will assume that you're out to hurt her too.
You're trying to do the classic male thing. You're trying to fix something with all the best intentions. What you don't realize is that your wife doesn't want you to fix her problems for her - she just wants you to be there for her and for to listen.
You could try to get your wife to seek counselling. other than that, say nothing to anyone about what happened and just be there for her. If you break her confidence and say something, even to her sister, she'll resent you for it and just become worse off for it.
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