A
male
age
51-59,
*hrisex
writes:Hi.Hope someone can help.I am married to a controlling, dominating, mentally abusive, bullying wife and have been for 4 years. I have 2 very young children and one due in 4 weeks. I have tried everything to help her stop being Angry, even going to the Doctors behind her back. An example of her behaviour – I was going to my Uncles Funeral a few weeks ago and she started an argument about nothing the previous night. (Our arguments go on for hours, even all day and are 1, 2, 3 times a week) She told me that when I got back from the funeral she will have left and taken the children to the Isle of Wight. (She did not carry out her threat) The same day she through my Fathers cats ashes at me in its urn.My father passed away last year in hospital. I was trying to visit him on the evenings but she made me feel so guilty I could not go when I wanted to. He died a few weeks later!She takes control of the TV and stops me watching anything I want to.If I am calm with her she insults and abuses me. It I fight fire with fire she threatens to kill herself by Overdose, holding a knife to her neck or leaving me and phoning me telling me she is going to crash her car.If I tell her how I feel she calls me selfish.I am now feeling very low and depressed and tearful. I want to leave her but I have my children. Also I have no family and have nowhere to go if I leave. I have no money and am in debt with a credit card because she always wants to go out. When I explain that we have no money she tells me I am a tight selfish bastard. I pay for every bill and Mortgage, but it’s not good enough.She can not cope with the slightest bit of stress and takes it out on me and her close family. I really have tried to help. I arranged Relate last summer, she agreed with some of the things that were said about her behaviour but nothing has changed. After I spoke to her doctor without her knowledge she went to a mother and baby psychology unit and was placed in group therapy. She went once and stopped.She has got pregnancy hormones raging, but please believe me this is far more and she does have a lot to cope with having the children all day (She does not work)She is destroying everything with her Anger and abuse and having a family is all I ever wanted. I am not strong enough anymore to take her on.. What can I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): Thank you to everyone who has answered my add. I have tried writing to you but got no response so I am not sure you are getting my emails. Would you please email me here at this site. Sorry but I can't give you my private email address on here (not allowed) but can do if you email me privately here. Thanks. I hope I hear from you!
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male
reader, chrisex +, writes (2 March 2009):
chrisex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who has answered my add. I have tried writing to you but got no response so I am not sure you are getting my emails. Would you please email me here at Dear Cupid. Thanks. I hope I hear from you!
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A
female
reader, Bullyherselfithink  +, writes (23 January 2009):
Hi,I am writing to you not because I have an answer or even any help at all. Infact, I think I am writing more because it may help me to purge. You see I think I am a bully myself and certainly need to work on this or I may lose the kindest most patient guy I have had the good fortune of being in a relationship with. I am not proud of my behaviour and when I read your message I begin to tear because I can relate except in my instance I AM THE PERPETRATOR. It is extremely upsetting to see in words what my other half must be feeling and experiencing because of me. I know that this is not an excuse but sometimes I think I do not know how to change and I tell him that he would be better off without me. You see I am so young yet so angry and frustrated at times. I tend to exhibit these frustrations without thinking what it may do to others. The funny thing is I am the most patient and sensitive person towards people that are not so close to me. I can give advice and empathise with people that I meet on a daily basis. But to those closest to me I am an angry person. With my my immediate (nuclear) family, it stems from problems in my home from a young age that I feel we have not confronted and dealt with. With them I still believe I have the right to be angry though. But with my boyfriend, unfortunately he is experiencing what has become of me throughout the years. He certainly does not deserve that. Dont get me wrong, with him I am not ANGRY ALL THE TIME, infact we have a lot of fun most of the time... he is my salvation for the most part. But as we get more comfortable in our relationship, it gets easier for me to use him as a scapegoat when things dont work out my way. Over the years I have become so protective of myself, MY space, MY ways because I felt that it was the only way to gain control of my own life and not let others run it for me. This as you may have realised stems from a whole lot of unresolved control issues within my own nuclear family. Well, you are probably thinking that I am excusing by behviour especially since you are on the receiving end of this kind of treatment. This is not the case, I think that I am simply telling you all this so that you know this is not the happiest existence for us either and perhaps this may help you to understand your wifes struggles in life. Obviously she does need help. A lot of it at theat! But she needs this from a professional that can cope with that kind of stress. You do not have to deal with this on your own and the funny thing is deep down your wife knows she needs professional help and is crying out for it. Being on this end of the stick, I would advise you to call her on it... you should leave, give her space to evaluate her life and find herself... Certainly do not cut all communication but help her from afar. Be there, but at a distance so that she will learn how important it is for her to remake her life with you and get rid of all the old issues. And trust you are not helping the kids if you stay in an unhappy relationship. No kid wants to see their parents at loggerheads. Infact, that is where all my own issues com from... I grew up seeing my parents fight all the time and father completely bully my mother! I do hope this helped somewhat...Good Luck..I will be praying for you as well as myself to rediscover life in a more positive light.
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A
male
reader, bugsbunny +, writes (20 November 2008):
Its been a while since you posted your message...But i feel im going through exactly what you have said and just wanted to get in touch with you i guess to find out if youve improved your situation....Thanks.
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A
male
reader, chrisex +, writes (26 May 2008):
chrisex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer dizzie. I feel scared to do anything. Think she has broken me. I feel so low.
She kept me awake last night arguing till 3.30 am because I woke her at 11.30 whilst going to the toilet. I was as quiet as I could be.
Everything is my fault. I am so low and feel so crushed!
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A
female
reader, dizzie +, writes (17 May 2008):
you have to leave her now this situation is so dangerous please take your kids even if you book into a b b for the night please leave she is so unpredicatable. i no you want the best for your family but that can only be achieved with you and the kids being away from her. she is unlikely to comit suicide she is only holding things over your head things that you cant be accountable for. if she wants to do this she would just do it and not contact you about it. i am sorry that it has come to this with you but please do this for your own protection
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