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writes: I am 49, and my wife is 31. A year ago she started an online relationship with a man in Hungary, which she physicaly carried out by taking a vacation with my 4yr old daughter for two months, leaving me with my 12yr old son. While there she threatened to not return and said she wanted a divorce. Upon return ( through a summons by family court) we remained living together.There was sexual relations 3 times, but each time she swears she was sleeping. We had some awful arguments and she even made malicious allegation about child abuse , for which I was ordered to leave my home through a court order.All of this was dismissed in court and throughout everything I still Love her. As of March 26th, 2008, while my children and I were on a 2 day trip, on our return she disappeared. She left a note for each of us saying not to be angry, and to please understand. Only we don't! I have learned that she flew to Hungary on that night of Mar. 26th, and still have not gotten any communication whatsoever from her. What do WE do? I am not a wimp nor a doormat, but we've been married Going on almost 13 years. This is supposed to be a family....
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010): I have been married 26 years. Thinking my wife and I was forever. Four days ago she left me for an on-line lover. No goodbyes, see yas...nothing. We had 8 great joys. I'm proud of everyone of them. Infact the youngest is just 6. She has not called to visit with them or check thier status. Same situation, what to do, who to turn to for help, who's shoulder to cry on. Never been to hell yet but I know what it's like now. You're not alone out here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2008): Hello to my friends. I have altered my SN, because googleing it brings up this site, and my wife does know I use that screen name. So if she has seen this up til now- well I've only stated the truth, but I do not wish for her to follow any of my buisness. In any case I would like one final piece of advice... And that is; What would be the thing to say to her when I first come face to face with her- because as I understand, she most likely will return in the begining of Sept. There are a million things I would love to say, BUT I am choosing to NOT speak to her. Ever. Does anyone agree? But if I were to... What would be the ideal? (Babygirl)???
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reader, x..BabyGirl..x  +, writes (19 August 2008):
 Thanks for your note. I'm glad is all going well. You may realise that her seeing them might not do them the world of good but if you say that, then they'll keep that against you. Keep it to yourself and it may seem two faced but make it look like you want her to see the kids, it will swing in your favour in the long run. If they go to stay with her in Hungary, when they get back ask them if they had a nice time. If she isn't being a particularly good mother then you need to get back on it and if your 12 year old could vouch for that; you'd be given full custody. I think you're doing wonderful for staying so strong. I realise you have to for the kids. I obviously don't know anything more than what you've told us; but from what you've said, she deserves NOTHING to do with those poor children at all. And if she does that to them, then I should imagine all they'd ever want is you; their Father. Good luck, I really do hope it goes well for you. Don't let her get you down. Good luck x
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): What does your lawyer say?
Fortunately your son is old enough that perhaps he could be thought of as a reliable witness who would know if there was any abuse or an atmosphere of fear in your house. Also hopefully teachers, pediatricians, neighbors, friends, relatives, etc. would be willing to vouch for your character and situation.
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reader, x..BabyGirl..x +, writes (18 August 2008):
Like I said before. You need to get to the police with your lawyer and tell them EVERYTHING. If there are mutual friends that can tell the police that you never hurt her and wouldn't think about it and that she left you and never had contact then get them to speak up. If you can prove that she's the guilty one. Do it. She is going to need to come back anyway, be honest. You want custody of the kids and the only way you'll get it is by getting her sorry ass into court. The only way you're going to stop her from making you look guilty with the police, is by getting there first. I'm pretty sure they'll take your side in any case with her doing a runner. You need to tell the police that she just left and that you're happy for her to see the kids and want them to see and speak to her but she's not made the effort and has left no contact number. If you want it to work out how you want, you have to make the movements. If you leave it to her, she'll have custody of the kids and you'll be banned from seeing them as a potential danger. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGreetings to all- well it's going on 5 months now, and the mother of my children has called a total of "2" times. The first time was on HER birthday back on June 4th, and again on Aug 14th. On neither occasion did she speak to my kids or me. She spoke to my mother, whom she basicly screamed at for 10 minutes. She states that she left because she was afraid I would have killed her. ( I was never anything but a gentleman to her).
My kids are absolutely doing great, and so am I... Here's my new dilema...
There is a very strong chance of this woman returning on Sept. 3rd.
I have a very good lawyer (I hope) and divorce papers have been served, but I have'nt aquired full custody of my children because when you do that, the court SUMMONS the other party and requires them to show up in court. I don't wish to bring her back- EVER. My lawyer said we should first file the divorce and take it from there. What I expect is this: She shows up at my door with the police, and of course they believe anything she says( most likely that she fears for her safety, and that I would'nt let her see HER children), and they haul my kids away or find me the guilty one, when she abandoned us.. I am not looking foward to seeing her, and I hope to be prepared legally, but is there anything anyone can help me with to truly safegaurd against her pulling a load of crap against me again with her malicious lies?
Thanks in advance, and I hope to hear from past advisors who I really appreciated the last time around .
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reader, x..BabyGirl..x +, writes (1 June 2008):
Seek legal advice and tell them everything. I'm sure the court will swing in your favour when you tell them that your wife just upped and left and hasn't even contacted. In England if the parents are split then the other parent, who has custody, isn't allowed to move the children out of the country without the other's permission, I'm not sure about the US. But it's not right that she's left her two children and doesn't care to ring. If you do decide to take legal advice, make sure you tell them about your daughter getting a serious form of asthma and your wife doesn't know because she's just left and hasn't rang and didn't leave a contact number. I hope all goes well and that you get full custody! =D
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again everyone. I need some advice again... It's been over 10 weeks since my soon to be EX picked up and left us, and the country. Much has happened in this time, including my little girl developing RAD, which is another term for asthma. Only, in her case, it is life threating and in three weeks time, I almost lost her twice!!! I thank the fantastic aid from the Doctors at NY Presbyterian Hosp. Pediatric emergency ward.
I have learned much about a lot of things pertaing to my problem, and also a lot about myself. I've also learned that this situation is not so unique. Many- MANY mothers walk out on their families. (something that I will NEVER find acceptable.) Any-way; To date, I have served her with the divorce summons, (which was no easy task) in Hungary. To which I'm almost positive she will not respond. This is a good thing. Now... She has still not even attempted to speak, write, phone, or Anything to communicate with our children!!! I do not trust her and believe she IS DEFINITLEY planning something, especially as to getting my daughters custody. I will never split my kids up, I just can-not! I love them far too much, and please believe- am the better caregiver as parent. What then can I do to protect my kids and myself, from her waltzing back into this country, spewing lies to the court, and God forbid, losing either of my children???? The courts are notorius for giving "MOTHERS" preferntial treatment. (I have first hand experience being thrown out of my home by a court order of protection. Accused of violence, child abuse etc., Although I was able to dismiss all these hurtful lies, I know what Miight happen if she decides to do it again). Mind you, I still don't know WHY she did all these things, only that she must REALLY be in love.
We are doing okay. And the kids are moving on. You must understand - I truly wish this was not how it has to be. And also that she IS their mother, and I will never deliberately berate her to them- but under the circumstances, she has'nt quite lived up to her mother status. So then, how to keep what's left of my family safe and intact???
Sincere Thanks
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reader, x..BabyGirl..x +, writes (27 May 2008):
I'm sorry to hear that, must be pretty tough to deal with.
Well first I think she was darn out of order taking your daughter with her the first time, I'm sorry, but what sort of mother would take off and introduce this guy to her daughter?
I don't think you should, as you put it 'take revenge' as it may lead to some awkward situations to explain to your children.
Tell your children what she's done and why she's no longer around. Explain to them that it's through no fault of your own and that she's not been in touch.
I think she's crazy to leave such a stable relationship and two great kids for some guy she met online, who knows what hurt he could cause her even more than he's caused you! Hope it helped =D
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reader, Smiffy  +, writes (28 April 2008):
 Hi, I know it is very difficult not to be very very bitter towards your wife but I would not do anything...well....I think the best thing would be to prove to her that YOU are the best thing since sliced bread for your kids, at some point she WILL take stock of what she has done and the best thing for you and your kids is that you all have moved on so far away from her, both mentaly and physically, that she cant touch you anymore, this WILL hurt her more than actually planning something....your kids WILL disown her sooner or later and that will be sweet revenge.Concentrate on (I know you have) building your life and your kids lifes without her.....In the end you will all reap the benifitsIt worked for me....it will work for youGood luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate-
At this point I would like to hear some ideas on: What would be the ultimate payback towards this woman,who has caused us SO much pain.
I welcome your most imaginative suggestions! ( I ask this because my mind has not been able to rest in over a year)... Sincerest Thanks- NYC
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): Oh hunny
This is a hard one, This has happened to me twice. My first husband was not a horrible person deep down but was abusive to me and started to be that way to my eldest son, I say not a horrible man because he just couldnt cope with a family and resposability so therefor took it out on us, Many would not understand why Ifeel this way but I see deap into a person and he was not good to be with but it was ok for my children to if they wished and he had joint cusdody, Saying that my eldest son did not go out with him again that was my sons choice as children do make there own minds up a parent never needs to talk nasty of the ex spouse children will always as they grow understand for themselves what a person is really like and now my sons sadly call there father the sperm donor, They are grown now 18yr and 26yrs I didnt and never would bad mouth there dad to them...My daughters father is a different thing he is evil and he would have to get over my dead body before going near my daughter, I have full care, control and cusdody. I still have never bad mouthed her father she will have enough to take in as time goes on and I want her to grow up a happy little girl she knows certain things and probably more than I have told her but never will I talk bad to her about him...You have a hard decition to make you have to truthfully look in your heart for the children and see if it would be good or bad for them sweetheart and it really can be hard your hurt, angry, and heartbroken but you have to take your own feelings out and put those of you childrens in oh its so hard...Hunny I found this site I dont know if it will have any help for you at all it may it may not.....
http://www.parentscentre.gov.uk/familymatters/
But Ive popped it in just incase there is a sentence out of the whole lot that may help in some way...I wish you much luck in this decition hunny WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is an update, and I am asking for further advice. It has been 4 weeks now, since my wife "disappeared" to Hungary. She has not even attempted to call or get in touch with me OR my children. There has been communication between my mother and hers for a few minutes over the phone. My wife has said that she hasn't called because "I probably Brainwashed the kids, and I will not allow them to speak to her or just slam the phone on her". (before my question, a little insight). My 12yr old son was staring into our living room a few days ago. When I noticed his eyes welling up with tears. ( at this point I already wished many evil things towards my wife, but these things never are brought out in any way tpwards my kids). Anyway, he starts to say " I'M SO SICK OF THIS WHOLE SHIT"! As I hug him and begin to really feel HIS pain, I swore right there I would not let her hurt him ever again! This was the 2nd time she left him behind, and although he DOES NOT EVER want to speak to her again; I know that he really needs to. As to my daughter who is only 4yrs old, she is now fearful and angry. I've started divorce, (whch I really never wanted) and I wish not to communicate with her ever again, for the main reason that SHE- is the one who chose to leave, and I DO NOT want her to hurt my children further. Here's my question: Do I LET them speak to her, and have her lie about how "This is best for everyone" or do I sheild them from the pain I KNOW she will inflict upon them.My children obviously mean more to me than anything, and I will be honest here, I am angry, hurt, and tptaly heartbroken. But in the best interest of the children, I feel she SHOULD NOT have any contact with them... Thanks for your time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis Is for MANDY 7-
Thanks Very Much for your very kind words. It HAS been difficult, and any response such as yours, is a comfort to hear. Although I still am not handling it as well As I'd like. Take care-
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): Hunny
You are doing an amazing job through such hard times for all your family, You have been there for your children through all of this pain and sorrow. You have done so much answered so many questions that the children have asked even though it must break your heart, I do hope that all goes well for you and you and your family come through this terrible time with a much better understanding of life and love, As you have truely shown your children what love is all about..TAKE CARE WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello to my new friends. This is my update- It's been three weeks, and my wife has not even attempted to get in touch with me; which I totally expected.
What I can not grasp, is that this one time fantastic mother, up until about 2 years ago, HASN'T even attempted to reach/contact our children. Not in ANY way, and my son has his own cell, and his own e-mail. I have learned that she will not phone, because she's sure I will hang up on her. ( she is SO right). I just can't believe she hasn't tried. I hope what I'm about to reveal won' bite me in the butt later, but when I was ordered out by court order, and to stay 300 yards away from her AND my children, I said hell with that- and secretly met with my son, and spoke to my daughter on the phone many times. And when my son took off from the babysitter, my wife begged me to come home! Which I did because my Kids needed me. HOW can a "MOTHER" do this? Actually, I had told my wife about 6 mnths ago, that "She would one day up and leave.. Alone"- and she said I was nuts because she could never be without her daughter! I ended saying: "Then I'll know the person you really are".
To date, it's not been great, especially on what to say to my kids on: Why did mommy leave me? Me? I actualy wish she would come to her senses, but fear not, I said it before, I'm not stupid. And don' worry, I have started divorce proceedings, although I really wish I didn't have to.
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reader, raima  +, writes (6 April 2008):
 thanks friend for your reply well i am fine and yes i am still toghter my husband came back to me and relised his mistake even i told him to follow to advocate but he didnt he said he dont have any relation with that girl she is just friend and i relised that that is not a way to mail like that. so now my matter is siolved i hope for the same for you .
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reader, carebear +, writes (6 April 2008):
 Glad to be of help sir.I think sometimes we go into a trance and miss vital points and we are in such distress we can't really think staight. I'm delighted you are all doing well stick together and wishing you well.
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reader, Smiffy +, writes (6 April 2008):
Hi, thanks for your comments to my answer.....I do understnd completly the situation you are in 100%
How am I now: Well this all happened to me 6 yrs ago, I wasnt lucky enough to be in the position to have my children, so they went with her, something to this day I have never forgiven myself for, but the need to work and not much in the way of family (no one to look after them while I was at work)meant the choice was made for me....
SHE is now married to this person....obviously tells everyone she is blissfully happy, but our friends tell me she is not....well grass isnt always greener...lack of money mean they have to move on a regular basis....so its very difficult to keep up with my children, but I must add when I do see them we have a wonderfull time together....I am not ashamed to say I love my kids with all my heart...just planning a long summer vacation at the moment...I live in Spain...so they will be with me for the whole 6 week school holiday....fantastic...
I have been lucky enough to find a fantastic new partner....at my age I thought that that would be it....and with kids visiting I also thought that to find a woman to accept two kids from a previous relationship very difficult....but no...there are some out there....my kids love her and vise versa.....
I wish you the best of luck, as the old saying goes...KEEP YOUR CHIN UP.....there will be a light at the end of the tunnel...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI truly appreciate the kind and heartfelt replies. As I've never had to ask for advice such as this, until now. I was hesitant and was expecting the BACKBONE crack somewhat more, so I Thank You for sparing me That Bull____. To Raima- You must be feeling some of what I am. But are you still together? To Mandy7- You my dear Lady, brought a genuine smile to my face. I Thank You for that. To Smffy- Actualy, yours is the type of advice I was aiming for, and is the sole purpose of my writing to one of these columns, meaning: How it has turned out in similar circumstances. How are you nowadays, and where is SHE? To Carebear- Your response was MOST well received. Your words were what made me THINK the most. Thanks.. To Paladin- The 1st thing I've done is to start the divorce. Honestly; I still don' want to But I'm not an asshole! As to what m about to say, please don't judge ... Sometimes you just can't help it- We make mistskes. I just don't think I can undo mine...
Finally, My children are very well, and no matter what happens, I'll NEVER GIVE THEM UP! Any other words would be more than welcomed.
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reader, Paladin  +, writes (5 April 2008):
 Your situation has reached the point where the only proper advice regarding the issue is to contact an attorney.
Regarding your feelings for your wife that will just have to be dealt with over time. Clearly she has made her decision and you must make yours. The thing to remember is that your children are watching and if you expect respect from them you need to conduct yourself in a way where they will think of you as weak and helpless. Your children are counting on you and need you to be strong.
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reader, carebear +, writes (5 April 2008):
Poster
Got to agree with Bad Voice 110% don't wait for her to come back or get in touch, get sole custody soon or she may return to take your kids along with her next time. Your not a wimp or a doormat sir you are just hurt and angry that this woman that you are married to has treated not just you but her 2 kiddies in this selfish way and not just once. Stabd up for yourself and yopur kids you are more than capable, get family and friends for support.Your kids are probably wondering if your going to swan off aswell one day, assure them you love and care for them and will never leave them, make a new life for you all and I am certain you will all be happier in the long run. As for your wife, well she bailed out leave her to loverboy she's his problem now!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): You say that you are not a doormat, but that is exactly the way you are acting. Get a backbone, at least for your son who is watching all of this very closely. Don't let your age and the thought of starting over again, be the reason you take this abuse and bullshit! For the sake of your children....gather your spine and move on with your life.
Women are everywhere and you will find another one sooner than you think.
Go to the courts and file for complete and total custody of your children....remind the court that this woman at one time tried to file false abuse allegations against you which caused a brief riff in your family before. If you are able to....move and start over......WAIT! Don't move!
The rate of foreclosures is too prevalent now....so just get custody and move on with your life. I want you to know that the wife will be back, but you must be a man and let her go and not accept her back. I wish you luck and good will for you and your children.
BadVoice
Wash.DC
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reader, Smiffy +, writes (5 April 2008):
The internet / mobile phones have a lot to answer for...I was in the same position a few years ago...my now ex wife texting all the time.....and it turned out to be a "new" man....but as usual denied everything...anyhow...water under the bridge...
I agree...it is and will be very hard for you...but you have your kids and your kids will love you even more by sticking by them...they also need you at a time like this.
Sorry, your wife is infatuated with a different man.....grass greener syndrome....having worked in Hungry I can safely say, if thats where she is, she WILL not be having a good time....women are generally second class...and that wont change....
Very difficult after so many years together...but put all your energy into the children...i know it hurts...after a time the hurt will diminish....
Speaking for myself only and after reading your message, I wouldnt have her back if she was the last woman on the planet...
Good luck to you and your children...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): Hi Hunny
Your wife has let you down in the worst way possible sweetheart my heart goes out to you, You have your children now, Both of them so hunny you are a family. I no this is no consolation for loosing your wife but hunny she treated you so badly and also used the children as well hunny you are better off now she has gone, Im not being mean love as Im not like that but from all that you have said all the things she has put you through terrible hurtfull untruths, She has left for another man left her children and husband!!!!!!!!! Really hunny you are better with your children that is your family if you need a talk hunny message me anytime I understand your pain sweetheart WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, raima +, writes (5 April 2008):
i can understand your problem friend cause im going through same situation. my husband also have online gf and now he is mailing her regularly and telling her to visit him. i also dont know how to tackle but as far sa my situation is concerned friend forget your wife cause she dosent love you anymore thats y she left you. i know it is not easy to forget but if she really loves you a lot so definately she will be back one day or feel regret but dear friend you have to be strong.
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