A
female
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anonymous
writes:Years ago when I was in my early twenties I had a relationship with a man which became emotionally disturbing. He worked abroad in quite extreme war-type situations. He was a charmer and extremely unfaithful. I used to get calls from girls, one of whom said her friend was in hospital having tried to commit suicide because of him. He said it was a hoax. One time when he was back I noticed he was encouraging me to go visit my parents. All my stuff was missing from our bedroom when I got back and there was blood on the sheets. He said one of his friends had stayed and been ill. These are but a few of the moments that I remember.The more he was unfaithful the bigger the present when he got back. Once he kept me locked in my hotel room for three days asking me over and over again what I had been up to while he was away. I ended up telling him a load of lies to shut him up. I forgave more than I should have because he had been in some really bad situations/battles/wars.It took me a while to work out that he was trouble because I had come from a very good family and was completely naïve. One of his friends (who was gay) caught AIDS while working with him overseas and I spent years in total anguish wondering whether to have a test/what they had all been up to together. It is years later but it has taken me all this time to get through and finally feel I am getting over all of the trust issues resulting from this experience, which sabotaged my judgement and relationships afterwards.I know he is married, he is quite religious now and has his own very successful business. I am glad from him in a way but I am also in need of recognition from him about what he did. I would make it clear that this is not a demand and that I will never contact him again whether of not he chooses to make some kind of gesture. I feel angry that I have had to spend so much money repairing the damage. My whole life was clouded by his behaviour. I can see the difference now that I am happy. It should not have taken 20 years.A simple apology would be nice but it would be much easier to stomach what happened if he literally “paid for it” – or a small part of it.What do you think?
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female
reader, A Cappella  +, writes (2 April 2008):
 For your own health, not for him, forgive him. This does not mean saying what he did is okay. Because that's not true. But by holding on to what he did, you are re-injuring yourself constantly. You need to stop giving him any head room and move on.
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha
Peace sweetheart. You deserve it.
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (31 March 2008):
 I'm not sure what you mean about him 'paying' for it. Taking him to court? Blackmailing him? You say you don't want money, but then you say it would be nice.
i can't see any moral grounds for any financial payment. I think an apology, yes, is what you need.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all. Actually I think I am at a stage of being angry, which is healthy, rather than in deinal about what it all actually meant. I am back with my very first boyfriend who I was with when I was a teenager and before all the damage so am very happy and contented. He has had a tough time winning my trsut but I do adore him completely. I think I need to draw the old boyfriend's face on a few apples, get my partner to throw them in the air and I will shoot them with the air rifle!
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female
reader, xxxamandaxxx +, writes (31 March 2008):
hi, in my opinion good job for not being with him anymore and yes you are right not should not have taken 20 years to get back on track with your life, but now you have why not start to enjoy life instead of dwelling on the past get your self back in the dating business and show him he hasn't ruined your life and who knows you might even meet mr right.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): First of all I want to tell you how sorry I am for what you went through. That kind of treatment can be very damaging. That said I think you need to forgive him and forgive yourself so you can let it go. You need to first own your own mistakes, mostly poor judgment and lack of self respect. Then forgive yourself. You were probably young and in love it happens, but you have grown and learned. Next, you are going to have to forgive him. He was without question a jerk. No one should treat another person like that. He was the kind of person he was (and maybe still is) but its not about you. These are his problems, his issues, don't make them yours by dwelling on them twenty years later. Forgiveness can be hard, it doesn't mean saying what he did was OK. Its more like accepting it happened, accepting he is a far less than perfect man and letting it go. Forgiveness is hard to explain a blueprint for but I really feel you need to do this. You are focusing your energies 20 years later on this man. Its poisoning you, by your own admission. You have chosen to hang onto the pain by thinking about it twenty years later. You don't have to do this, nor should you. Its gone and over, you need to let it go now and not bring the past pain into the present. You bring all that pain into your present by thinking about and then getting angry and hurt all over again.
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