A
female
age
36-40,
*le.ele
writes:Ive been dating my current boyfriend for 10 months now. Although ive had a couple of boyfriends in the past, this is the first time that I know ive fallen in love (im 23, boyfriend is 26). A couple of months into our relationship, my boyfriend left his facebook open, and I realized he had written to several girls asking them out for coffee. He swears that he never saw them, and that it was a stupid thing to do. We got past this, however I never trusted him the same way. Things were apparently "perfect" but something was just not right. Then one day, 10 months into our relationship, jelousy got the best of me and I logged into his email adress. I started reading all of his emails from his past girlfriend. Then as I read more and more emails, I suddenly relized that he has a daughter!!! Not from his previous girlfriend, who he has told me about, but with some girl that he only briefly mentioned in a conversation!!! This has led to two months of emotional drama that I cant take anymore. We are both destroying eachother emotionally. I feel torn. He has absolutly no contact with the mother of his daughter or his daughter. My boyfriends mother deals with all the legal issues, my boyfriend is not involved in any way. He says he didnt tell me because our relationship was magical- in fact it was- we were both head over heels for one another. And he was paranoid that I would dump him. That I would have never given him a chance. He swears that he was finding a good way to tell me. That he was thinking in our "well-being as a couple". According to him, he never really dated this girl, but she was his stalker, she was obsessed with him, and she destroyed his relationship with his mother and with his best friends. The girl is a lot older than he is, and already had a daughter with another man. She didnt tell him about the baby, until the baby was almost three years old. I dont know a lot about psicology, but I can tell that my boyfriend has very serious emotional issues becuase of this. We talk almost daily about the topic, and he just cannot process the fact that he has a daughter. I know he didnt tell me because he doesnt even admit to himself, or to his family that he has a daughter with this woman that he thinks is the "devil". Ive gotten to the point where I just cannot morally understand how he doesnt want to be involved at all in the life of this girl. I feel like I could even deal with him not telling me that he has a daughter. But the fact that he doesnt recognize the exsistence of this poor little girl tears my heart. I dont want to let go of my relationship with him- he is my first love. I wish I could help him. But he blatently said that he will not be involved in this girls life untill he is ready to do so. These are the words of a stranger. In my head I cannot link them to the man that I fell in love with. Any advice?? Should I feel guilty about not being able to get past this? Does this mean that I do not really love him???
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2012): Wait, wait, wait...what? He says the mother of his child was a stalker and there was no real relationship? If that's the case, how was the child born? I find it highly unlikely that she was just a stalker. Maybe things turned sour but there was definitely a relationship. That part just immediately caught my eyes. You need to have a talk with him about all the facts. He was talking to other girls, asking them for coffee *and* was leading you on, not telling you about his child. IYou need to rethink this relationship before it goes any further.
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (29 September 2012):
 First of all, I feel sorry for the pain and confusion that you are experiencing. You don't need to feel guilty about your feelings, who could blame you? Your world has been turned upside down. Of course you loved your boyfriend...you loved the side of him that he showed to you. The sad fact is that he only showed you a part of himself, he never let you get to know the whole man. And now that you are seeing all of him, you don't like what you see and what you know. He's shown you a dark sneaky side to himself. To me, the worst part is that you had to find it out by snooping around..he didn't even have the courage or decency to tell you. That has to really hurt. How on earth can you trust him? You can't. Truth be told, you will probably never trust him again. His story about the mother of his child is actually rather ridiculous. Why would he get involved with a stalker?? There are alot of holes in his story. His behavior towards his daughter is really very immature. Is this really a guy you want to spend your life with? How many other things has he just conveniently "left out"?? Makes you wonder, doesn't it? You sound like a very sweet girl and you deserve far better than what he has offered, or will offer to you. As another aunt said..what if you would accidentally get pregnant??? I'd be worried about that...way too many worries..the good certainly can't outweigh the bad in this situation. Walk away sweetie...this guy will only bring you more and more pain down the road. I just can't see how it could end up any other way.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 September 2012):
 To answer your last question though:
You being so concerned and worried about this, and experiencing this moral dilemma, is because you do love him. If you didn't love him you wouldn't care much, really. But you love the idea you had of him, and then when he shows his true self it doesn't match the idea you had of him. He's shown yourself to be someone else, someone you do not love. You are now struggling because you don't know if you can love this new side of him. But it's not your fault... he wasn't honest with you. He gave you a fake version of himself. When people are being fake, this is the result.
As for him, he doesn't truly love you. You don't do this to someone you love, you don't lie about the important things in your life, lie about who you are, and you don't ask to meet other women "for coffee" if you have a girlfriend you love.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (28 September 2012):
"He says he didnt tell me because our relationship was magical"
In oher words: your relationship wasn't real, he didn't take your seriously, and you had no future.
There's no excuse, he's been pretending to be something he isn't, keeping things hidden from you... in all honesty, this wasn't a real relationship and it could not stand a chance in real life. If it could, then why wasn't he HONEST with you?
He lied. He led you on. He made a fool out of you. That's the story. Who knows why, some people aren't wired correctly. Someone who loves, respects, and values you will always be honest. In fact, it is the honesty itself that makes a relationship truly magical. If there's no honesty then all you're seeing is smokes and mirrors.
He's your first love, but he wont be your last. Stay with him if you want, but the biggest problem here isn't that he doesn't want to see his daughter (although that in itself is a huge warning sign). The biggest problem is that he's perfectly okay with lying to you, deceiving you, and keeping things hidden from you. He's not going to stop just because you caught him red handed once, twice, or three times. This is who he is! Open your eyes to that and think about if this is truly "magical", or if you're happy being in a relationship based on smoke and mirrors.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 September 2012):
 I can not love a man like that. He is irresponsible. He is not telling you because he is not taking care of the girl. That alone is worse than accidentally having a baby with another woman. Any person who is not financially ready should not be dating anyone. His money spent on dinners for you should be spent on baby clothing and food. Not that you don't deserve pampering from a guy, but let that guy be someone who feels free to take you out and has nothing to hide. Can you imagine that you accidentally got pregnant with him? He won't be that lovey dovey guy anymore, that's certain. Sex has consequences. He is halfly responsible so he is just as much a devil then, only worse because he is not present with the poor girl's life. I find it heinous that he can blame it all on his girlfriend. The older woman is being very careless with her life choices. Maybe she lives on government assistance or something. She has more life experience. She knows your boyfriend does not have money. So I do understand how your boyfriend thinks she is somewhat deceptive and manipulative. The daughter is innocent though and he can't just live life pretending that she doesn't exist. Whenever a date withholds an important fact, you should not expect a long term with him. He can only hide for so long. It is not very wise to keep you shrouded in a fantasy when you could be happier with a better guy.
Adding to the fact that he is already on dating sites, because why, he is already preparing that you would dump him so he is always on the out look for a woman to love him and to help him forget his woes, to escape from the guilt that he is not being father. Your title says he is a serious boyfriend. No, he is only serious up until the truth gets found out.
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