A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I grew up in a different city to most of my extended family, they all live near each other in one area. My mother brought me up as a single parent and we have had a turbulent relationship, as a child she would get frustrated and lash out at me, chasing me, pulling me round by my hair, hitting me with a plank with sharp nails, scratching etc. I still have bad memories of this and Ive never really got over it but we've talked about it. I think it's affected our adult relationship as we're not very close.When I was about 7 and didn't know about sex, one of my classmates said I did have a father and it wasn't possible for only my mother to have made me. I asked my mother and she was very defensive and didn't want to tell me anything. She used to work abroad and the way she described it made it seem like she had got pregnant out there, when in reality it was in the city where most of my family live. She was also very reluctant to tell me the name of my father, pretending she didn't know it, then eventually it came out and it was my uncles name - he is married to her sister. My father has 4 children with my mothers sister and they are still married, I presume all the adults in our family know about the affair unless my grandmother has kept it a secret. When I found this out, i tried to tell his daughter, but I got the story wrong and said they had sex in the abroad country my mother had worked in and she must of questioned him using this info about the foreign country and he denied it. So she dismissed it and I presume she forgot about it as recently she asked me who my dad is and if i knew him. (I didn't answer). I also told a different cousin and I'm not sure if she would remember but the children in my family who are now teens/grown up - I don't think they know. Unless their parents have told them but they don't seem to know.My dad has made no effort with me growing up, no cards, very little money that he has had to be reminded to pay, doesn't make much effort to talk to me when I go to the city where they live (about once a year) and my mother has said she hates living here and want's to move back and "leave me". She also said she had origionally considered aborting me or giving me up. All these facts have really effected me in a negative way and there used to be a point in my earlier teenage years where I would cry myself to sleep every night over it for a long period of time. At the same time as this I got bullied throughout school so it was a very low point. I still hate talking about it now.I feel like I am having to keep this big family secret when I haven't done anything wrong. I don't know whether, or how to tell my cousins that they are infact my half brothers/sisters. The rest of my family seem happy to just carry on and pretend nothing is wrong. One time I told a cousin of my half sister that this man was my father and that it meant we were cousins too, and I tried to get my grandmother to confirm this but she strongly denied it infront of us, causing me a lot of embarrassment. I don't know how, or if, or even when I should tell them, or who to tell. I don't like speaking about it to my mother and Im doubtful the adults of our family would ever tell. It's just eating me up. Especially for stuff like my wedding - who will walk me down the aisle? I mean I don't want my father to but I feel like because of the affair I have to suffer and have missed out or people at my wedding will wonder or even ask where or who my father is. The fact my dad has made no effort makes me hate him, but I have to see him sometimes when I visit family - though I think I last saw him over 2 years ago briefly as when I'm there he is busy or avoids visiting my grandmothers house where we stay at. I don't know how to go about this situation at all, I have spoken to a few of my close friends but I hate talking about it as I feel like my mother or me get judged and they don't really give advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): It sounds to me (and I have been abandoned by my entire family so I do understand) that you do not know where to start moving forward.
I imagine you have a couple of questions, do you confront your father or not. Do you move on with your own life without the confrontation.
I think you need to clearly decide what you can live with and what your can not, it is a very personal decision.
Forgiveness is rarely the core problem, if you are a decent person. Although it is commonly said that is the central issue - in my experience it never is and it is very damaging to hear that. You have every right to feel the feelings you are until they go away one day and try and decide how you can live your life and take care of yourself.
Get an education if you do not have one, or use the skills and education you have to do well and live a good life, regardless of how you decide to proceed. :) good luck do not forget to ask God for guidance he will help you xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): you haven't done anything wrong to be put into this situation, but when you're sitting on top of a lot of hurt and anger and resentment there's nothing you can do to bring about healing or forgiveness either.
you have to start by dealing with your own hurt and anger before turning your focus to what other people have done wrong to you. Otherwise all you will be able to see and think about are what they have done against you. This will only create an even bigger wedge between you and them than what exists now. they may have caused the initial brokenness between you and them, but you will only worsen it if you try to do anything now without first coming to terms with your hurt and pain and learning to forgive them. This is no easy task, it can take many years or even a lifetime to get to this stage.
maybe in the end you can be the agent of positive change in this messed up family. Or maybe you won't. But if you are to be that, it won't happen while you're still intensely focused on what they did wrong to you. I'm thinking you have a lot of work to do to heal yourself first from the effects of the abuse and low self esteem that you've suffered, before you can effectively reach out to those who have wronged you. It may help to see a counselor.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust so you know, I don't want a relationship with my father.However it's hard having to spend time with him. And all my family are close we get on well, my mother and her sister are close now and i get on with my cousins, it's just hard knowing im keeping a secret from them. We only live in a different city cause of my mothers work. My father should have kept up his responsibilities of paying my mother my child support and not being lazy with it. He's a horrible person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): I'm sorry that you're in this situation. this is my take on it:
Long ago your mother had an affair with her sister's husband. You were the result of that.
Realize that affairs tear families apart. the marriage has to come first - which means the adulterer has to forsake his mistress and concentrate on re-committing himself to his wife and family. Unfortunately that means it was the right thing to do for your biological father (i.e. your uncle) to cut off contact with your mother, and by association, with you. It was right for your biological mother to distance herself from him and her sister so that they can heal their marriage.
It was right for the rest of the family - your grandmother, your mother, your mother's sister - to put this behind them because that's how a family heals from adultery.
Unfortunately this means that you do not get to have a relationship with your biological father. But, realize that some times through no fault of your own you are simply dealt a not-so-good hand in life, and you just have to play that hand as best you can.
Your biological father did the right thing of recommitting to his marriage, and part of that means cutting off contact with his mistress (your mother), and by extension, with you. Yes I think it sucks for you and I'm sorry that this is the situation you were born into, but I don't think it was wrong of him to do that given the circumstances. If your mother had gone on to form a new loving relationship with a new man who could have been a wonderful (step)father to you, then things would have been much better for you.
but for your uncle to have tried to have a relationship with you would be causing even further harm to his marriage and tear the family apart even more, and the relationship between you and him might also be dysfunctional because of that. I believe that having NO relationship with someone, is far better than having a toxic dysfunctional relationship with someone.
Your family is obviously dysfunctional because they have been having to deal with this for so long, and your mother has so much resentment toward you that she has mistreated you and abused you. it sucks that this is the hand you were dealt with, but there's nothing you can do about the past. But you can do something about your future.
My advice would be, to not try to change your entire dysfunctional family and force them to accept the truth or to do anything different with the truth.
If you went around telling everyone in your family about the affair and how your cousins are really your half-siblings, what good does that do? Seriously, ask yourself how does it improve the situation for anyone? What do you expect will happen? You can't make an entire group of people change their way of thinking. And they all have vested interests in not changing the system they have built in place to maintain the peace. So, leave them be, and go on with your own life without them.
In the end, these people are biologically related to you, but I wouldn't call them your family. Family are the people who love you and support you and want to have a relationship with you, not whoever had sex with whom and gave birth to whom. your relatives are not what I would consider as your family, they are just relatives but strangers. And you can't change who they are. The best thing you can do is to not try to force them to be more of a family for you, but to look elsewhere to build your own family of choice - and by that I mean good friends, and maybe in the future a partner you can settle down with too.
that said, you can certainly just put it out there that you know you are the biological daughter of your uncle. If you have the truth, you don't have to hide it. Instead I encourage you not to hide it. But what I'm saying is, don't expect that you can use the truth to make these other people change. Put the truth out there, and then completely disengage from them, do not pay attention to their reactions, move on with your life and dont' look back. maybe 20 or 30 years from now your relatives may change, but don't expect it to happen when you want is all I'm saying, which is why your focus shouldn't be on changing anyone, it should be on doing what's best for yourself which is to not have anything to do with these people.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 February 2012):
Many people nowadays have a private wedding at the court with a witness and no one else. You don't really want family members who are strangers and ashamed of the affair to be at your wedding. I don't think this family would ever be reunited, even when your grandma passes away in the future I doubt people would suddenly acknowledge your identity. I think the one who is secretly suffering the most is your father who has to deny you all his life. Move on with your life as many other adults who didn't know who their fathers were. The number of fatherless children are expected to grow. Every one dreams of celebrating life with a big family but you have to realize as well many solitary souls have no problems spending time alone during holidays. Even in my extended family there are gatherings once in a while but no one really knows each other well enough to talk about anything. There is still a distance and I would not care less if I never see them again. I would be polite and make conversations and stuff, but it's not something I feel an urge to. I am aware there are people who think family is everything to them. Perhaps I am different I am just telling you that, just because you are missing out early in life (a supportive extended family) does not mean it is something you must have right now.
This is not something a friend can give advice to because few people can relate to it and it is a big personal decision. The most obvious reason why there is no advice is because there is really nothing you can do. All I can tell you is to move forward in life and not try to force outside circumstances to fit your wishes. A man who loves you would view you as a unique person and not judge your background. You can surround yourself with positive people. People who share your dreams, ideas and values.
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