A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:The past 6 months or so I've been extremely depressed (tried medications, therapy, etc), and I've become clingy and overly dependent on my boyfriend. I know it's not healthy and I know it's not fair to him -- he has been so amazing and always there for me, but I know I'm being too clingy and dependent, and I want to stop. The problem is that when I feel extremely depressed, I don't want to talk to anyone except for him, and he's the only one who can really calm me down. Do you have any advice?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 February 2015):
 Yes, I have advice. Let the therapy work. It takes time to get the medicine right, and the person to emotionally draw on should be your psychiatrist or therapist.
A relationship isn't built for the emotional draw you're putting on it. You need to be on equal footing with your partner, and you have to be able to give AND take when it comes to emotional needs.
Even in relationships where the partner is a co-dependent (meaning, the partner derives self-worth from caretaking emotionally needy partners), that's also extremely unhealthy because the relationship exists on the need for you to be unhealthy. The co-dependent would subconsciously do everything in their power to keep the partner needy.
Your relationship will break if you make him your everything. It's like trying to use a screwdriver to hammer a nail. It's not built for it. It may work after a makeshift fashion, but it'll buckle, then crack under the pressure. You will rely on him more and more, then start emotionally abusing him when he's no longer able or willing to meet your needs. You'll find yourself tearing into him when you're down and he wants to have a night off with friends, or you'll go uncontrollable when he finally does come to see you. You'll become hyper-reactive when he starts pulling away from you, accusing him of cheating or not caring for you.
Stay glued to your professional care providers. THEY are your therapy. You need to have them care for your wellness, so that you can be a girlfriend to your boyfriend, and not his patient or emotional lifesucker.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2015): [EDIT]: "Medicine and therapy only works when the patience is working to get better; and not giving-up on trying. It will always be hard;"
[CORRECTION]: "Medicine and therapy only works when the patient is working to get better; and not giving-up on trying. It will always be hard;"
Sorry!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2015): Always remember that he's human; and being so, means he has a saturation-point. He can be there for you only so much; then you can smother him. Drag him down unnecessarily.
He can't be your around-the-clock nurse-maid. You have to turn to your therapist; and let other people into your life, so you wont rely too heavily on him. He's just a kid, and he can't bear-up under this indefinitely. He's a nice person; but you can't be too selfish. He has other friends too.
There is a reason you are depressed, and therapy helps you to deal with it. Being dependent and clingy either delays or reverses any progress you make dealing with your illness.
Medicine and therapy only works when the patience is working to get better; and not giving-up on trying. It will always be hard; but with time and effort you'll slowly comeback.
You claim he is the only one who can calm you down. That isn't true. That's how you manipulate him and keep him at your beck and call. Part of it is your illness, some of it is just selfishness. Don't you want him to be happy? Glad to be your boyfriend? Show him you're trying, by spending time with your other friends and family; when your illness is getting to you. Your therapist has provided you with a number when you're in crisis, use it.
There is no one person who really calms you down. You're just satisfying your dependency by clinging to your boyfriend. Using depression as your excuse.
You've got to put as much effort into healing yourself as you can. Your medications will help with any chemical imbalances (provided you take them as prescribed); but nothing works without you helping yourself to function on your own. By following your doctors orders.
He's a young person like you are, so he needs fun and excitement. So do you. Even when it's a huge effort to try. It helps to push yourself; that's what healing requires. Depression subsides when you fight it with all your might. Putting everything you have into getting better; is when you'll see improvement in your mood and overall emotional well-being. Giving-in to it; is when it gets worse, as I'm sure your therapist, doctor, or counselor has already told you. Using your boyfriend as a crutch, is giving-in to it. You have to fight, fight, fight! To get better. Not with your boyfriend, with the depression!
That's what the therapist or your doctor is trying to help you to do. You say nothing else works? That's only because you won't let it, and you found you can dump everything on your boyfriend; so you don't have to work too hard yourself.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 February 2015):
 Yes, give therapy and medications more time to work.
When you say he's the only one who can really calm you down, what does that mean? You say you feel extremely epressed so how is it that you'd need to be calmed down? Are you agitated or anxious?
I'd say you need to talk to your doctor and work through the options you have available. If the current talk therapy and medications aren't working then be honest with your medical and mental health advocates and allow them the knowledge that will help you.
You will want to explore why you are fixated on the boyfriend being the 'only' solution to your depression/anxiety state.... I expect you are hoping for a simple solution and don't actually want to face whatever it is that got you in this state.
Keep searching for a better counselor and don't make your boyfriend responsible for your mental health.
Best wishes.
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