A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Can someone please give me some advice, im going out of my mind!I'm approaching 30 and have been battling trust issues all my life. Two males in my family sexually abused me from a young age and the two men that ive trusted just about enough to get in a relationship with both cheated on me, one with my best friend at the time and one with my step sister. Needless to say, I struggle to trust. Just over 18 months ago I started dating a guy I had been friends with for a while. Things were great until I found out about 10 months down the line that he had been messaging someone else in what appeared to be quite a flirty way. I instantly backed off and started pushing him away despite him promising me that there was nothing to it and ahe was only a friend (ive since found out she's happily married so he could well have been telling the truth). I didn't want to end the relationship as he is SO good in so many other ways and apart from this one thing he has helped my trust issues no end, not got angry or upset with me when ive questioned him, in fact he's done nothing but reassure me the whole time. I owe him a lot for helping me with that as much as he has. He's the one and only person I really let the barriers down for and I feel like he knew me and knew things about me that I would never dream of telling anyone else. So a few months later and I was still pushing him away until eventually he said he couldn't take it anymore and left. About a month passed and I realised what a terrible terrible mistake Id made. I desperately want him, need him in fact but he won't even speak to me. A friend of mine messaged him a few days ago and told him how I feel and he said he loves me but he could never be with me again. I am utterly heart broken and would do anything to have him back, I feel so lost without him and I know it's all my fault. How can I win him back?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2015): You were right to be upset about your boyfriend flirting with a married friend.
You put a lot of trust in him and he let you down. Please do not beat yourself up about this.
I agree that counselling is the way forwards.
I think you might decide you dont want him after all.
A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (16 June 2015):
 Given all the difficult things you've had to endure in the past, it sounds like you are second-guessing something that may actually have been for the best.
No, your ex-boyfriend may not be directly responsible for any of the trust issues you brought to the relationship. But if he was aware of the trust issues you already had, a GOOD person in his shoes would have made his very best effort to be honest and transparent with you rather than adding to the genuine fears you already felt. Flirty messages to another woman behind your back are in poor taste, at the very least, and her marriage is no guarantee of HIS fidelity.
I think your focus now should be not on winning this particular guy back but on healing and strengthening yourself first, so that your happiness in future relationships can't be poisoned so readily by the past. Consider professional counseling if you can afford it, first and foremost because it will be of great benefit to you and YOUR emotional health.
There's also the possibility that your ex will view the decision to seek help as a concrete effort on your part to work through the trust issues that affected your relationship and feel more inclined to give you a second chance... but this is very much a SECONDARY reason to take that step. Make yourself a priority and get healthy FOR YOU.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes moving forward.
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