A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello Everybody,I was with my girlfriend/fiancée for 9 years, Our relationship had ups and downs like any relationship. But overall we had a good relationship.Anyway, about a year and a half ago she fell pregnant. She said she wasn't ready for this and had an abortion. I begged her not to but she wouldn't listen. I told her she was the love of my life but there was just no getting through to her. As a result we broke up. After a few months though she realised that she had done the wrong thing and said she wanted to get back together. I told her that my trust for her had gone and it would take time to build my trust back up for her. So we would meet from time to time. She told me how sorry she was. How much she loved me. She would try to get physical with me but i just couldn't. Can I just say we weren't back together. During this time I was asked on many, many dates, but I just didn't want to get involved with anyone else. I loved my girlfriend/fiancée so much and my trust for her was starting to build back up.Anyway, a couple of months ago my brother was out and he had said he had seen my girlfriend/fiancée being passionate with another guy. I confronted her about it and she denied it and I took her word for it. I can't believe I doubted my brother. We've always had each others backs.Then a couple of weeks ago I was running / jogging through the park and I saw her with this guy my brother described. I confronted her. It turns out she had been seeing the guy for the past 6 months and she'd got sick of waiting. Turns out the guy knew who I was and didn't want any trouble. I asked her what was the point of all the meeting up? That she had only just told me a few days ago that she loved me. But she told me she was now in love with this new guy! I guess the point I'm trying to make is I've been single for 18 months and my confidence and trust is totally shattered! Women have tried to get close to me and I just don't want anything to do with them. I know there are good women out there but I just don't want anything to do with any of them. I'm not getting any younger either. What the hell do I do? I'm not even prepared to go on a date. Or give any women the benefit of the doubt.
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abortion, broke up, confidence, get back together, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): Your ex wasn't ready to have a child, maybe not ever. You may have wanted her to carry your child but not only is it also hers but ultimately it's her body and it's her who would have to make more sacrifices in the raising of the child than you. so you shouldn't hold it against her that she chose an abortion. You, as a guy, can easily become a father in the future at any age. She, as a woman, would have had to endure pregnancy and childbirth and give up more of her personal life to raise the child. Please try to understand her point of view. you need to permanently break up with her because once the trust is gone, the relationship is pretty much nonexistant or doomed, as you've found out.it's OK if you can't stand the thought of dating anyone. you need time to heal. It's OK to be single, there is no rule that you have to be in a relationship.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (16 May 2012):
 Hi,
I like your attitude, I know it will take some time, but eventually you will move on and one day you will realize that you did the right thing. At the time being, just be kind to yourself. It's not your fault, and you don't chose who to love and you cannot control your heart. This pain will go away, promise.... Just keep positive, eat well, exercise and even if you don't feel like going out, do so... It's going to be good for you to just get air, talk to people... Just keep yourself busy, and take your time.
I wish you the best luck and hope you feel better soon....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): If I read this correctly, your relationship ended because of the abortion in the main. To turn the tables - did she feel you were not supportive in a time when she was in turmoil? Then, you kept her hanging on about whether you both should give it another go. So she met someone else. Listen, there are no particular good guys and bad guys here. The relationship didn't work out and there is every chance that there is someone out there better suited to you. So move on and try not to get bogged down by negative thoughts regarding your ex and letting it colour your future. Let it go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to thank everyone for their kind and thoughtful comments. Thanks to 'chigirl', 'Anonymous123', and 'chickpea2011'. It helps. It helps a lot. I was all for taking her back but the fact that she has been with another guy for so long just knocked me back down. Reminds me of that saying, 'It's not about how hard you can hit, but how hard you can be hit and get back up again'.I know I'm still in love with her, and yeah it may feel like poison in my veins at the moment but it will pass... eventually.I spent so much of my life with her and I thought I knew her but obviously I didn't. Thanks again to everyone. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to thank everyone for their kind and thoughtful comments. Thanks to 'chigirl', 'Anonymous123', and 'chickpea2011'. It helps. It helps a lot.
I was all for taking her back but the fact that she has been with another guy for so long just knocked me back down. Reminds me of that saying, 'It's not about how hard you can hit, but how hard you can be hit and get back up again'.
I know I'm still in love with her, and yeah it may feel like poison in my veins at the moment but it will pass... eventually.
I spent so much of my life with her and I thought I knew her but obviously I didn't.
Thanks again to everyone. :)
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (15 May 2012):
Hi,
Sorry you had to end things with your long time ex-fiancee this way. Yes, I don't blame you for feeling this way, more so it's kind of shocking, and absolutely doens't make sense her behavior and the excuse of saying she got tired of waiting. I know it's very hurtful and difficult to believe that someone you thought you would spend the rest of your life turn out to be a big liar, have no character.... It's not so much about the new guy, but after so many years together you'd expect her to respect you more than this? I say this many times, and believe things happens for a reason. Consider yourself lucky and bless that this happened now, imagine if you were married and have children involved???? She doens't deserve you, if few days ago she told you she loves you while dating this new guy? Wish her luck, and say good bye forever... I feel sorry for the new guy, probably will go through what you went through and she'll treat him the same way she did you. I think she took too many years of your life, and you shouldn't waste another day thinking of her. It will take time for you to forget, and stop feeling all these mix emotions. You are human, and it's only normal to feel this way. Shake it off, consider yourself lucky and you dodge the bullet :)
If girls ask you out often, you must be an attractive fellow? I know you haven't been in a date in many years, but to me I think the sooner you go out and meet people the better. I think it will be difficult the 1st date, you will be nervous, but after the 1st few minutes you will start enjoying and realize what you've been missing. Dont pressure yourself, you do not have to be in a relationship right away, but try meeting new people.
I truly hope you can find peace in your heart and find someone that truly deserve you!
Best wishes and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (15 May 2012):
 Don't ever let the shadow of a bad relationship fall on the subsequent relationships. Most people, at some point of time or the other, have had a bad experience in their relationships. Does that mean that they give up? Of course not. Take your time, start meeting new people when you're ready to, and remember, everyone is not the same as your ex. Just because she cheated on you and broke your trust, doesn't mean that other girls will too.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 May 2012):
 Don't push yourself. Time doesn't stop, true, and you aren't getting any younger. But you aren't aging slower if you are in a relationship either. So don't push yourself to find someone just because you're feeling that you're getting older. That would be the wrong premises for being in a relationship with someone. You are not ready for a new relationship, and that is perfectly fine. You need to take your time to heal. You need to take your time just like everyone else does after a break-up. It is normal to have a distrust in the entire opposite gender, everyone feels that way after a bad break-up and after being hurt.
But as you heal, and let time go by, you'll start to not hate women as a whole any longer, and you'll start to warm up to the idea of a new relationship again. And then, when the time is right, you'll enter a new relationship. But as of now you're not ready. So don't push yourself, you don't HAVE to start up a new relationship. Stop meeting up with your ex, cut her out of your life and get over her. Only then can you start to think about a new relationship, not now.
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