A
male
age
,
*ev-Irish
writes:My new Girlfriend has a lot of history, Drugs,Drink+ abuse by partners and other issues that at the moment i'd like to keep private. I have accepted all of this but I find she is devoid of affection, rejects compliments and hates her appearance. I have been told by her to stop complimenting her, I'm lost, I don't know where this is going. She initiated the relationship. She is a great person and I love her personality but her dismissiveness is driving me crazy. Ideas please.
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male
reader, Kev-Irish +, writes (30 December 2007):
Kev-Irish is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUnfortunately it's over, she says she does'nt want what I want from the relationship she says she's a loner and says she has said she loves her own company and that she has never told anyone so much about herself, not even her recently departed partner, She said , and I hate this! I'm more like a brother to her, something I really am tired of hearing from women. It seems the hard nuts and abusive guys seem to win. It will take some convincing to make me believe otherwise... She has said she would like to go on the break I have organised this week and to share the same bed, I will go but now how the hell do I behave, it is going to be so difficult not to appear withdrawn and I don't want to get physically involved because I feel like my heart has been ripped out and I think I will have to put the nice guy to bed in the future.
A
male
reader, Kev-Irish +, writes (29 December 2007):
Kev-Irish is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCheers to all who responded, I have spent 2 nights with her since then , she said she thinks i'ts going a bit too quickly for her so I agreed. Her fiance died the day before they they were due to move into a new house, by all accounts he was a really nice guy and I can only imagine that reciprocal affection wasn't a problem there as they had been together 6 years before that. She masks everything with drink and I only see her sober in work, every other time she has alcohol in her system, she said last night it would probably kill her, later saying she would try to give it up in the new year. I wear my heart on my slieve which makes it doubly difficult. i've arranged a w'end away for the new year and I'd love her to be sober! We are both mature adults but I cannot see where it's going to end up. My family are saying she's trouble stay away from her but I'm not her Judge and Jury her past is what makes her her and I love her for it.
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A
male
reader, dc.ryan  +, writes (27 December 2007):
 She may be perfectly happily flirting when her clothes are on, but her self-confidence (like with a lot of women) is when they remove their clothes. Do talk to her about your feelings, and she'll discuss them with you.Ryan
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A
male
reader, Kev-Irish +, writes (27 December 2007):
Kev-Irish is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are already past the physical part and she is quite happy flirting with other guys in front of me so where are the esteem issues? Should'nt that affect her self confidence? On one hand she hates herself on the other she is a peacock, I'm beginning to believe the saying that the problem with trying to understand women is trying in the first place. I just got a text at 13.49 saying she just woke up and she has a bruise that she doesn't know where it came from, i wasn't with her! still lost, i'm thinking of telling her we need to talk!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007): I don't think I have had your partners abuse or problems from what you briefly describe, but I have suffered abuse and my self esteem is rock bottom. For this reason I take complements from nobody really and hate what I see in the mirror. It is really hard when a decent man, like I have found, comes along and I'm almost suspiscious of him being so nice. Hard to trust the kindness and support or take nice comments. However I know (and I have told him) that I cannot change or move on without his help - each day gets a little easier. I am 2 years into the relationship and still have the triggers but we feel stronger to overcome all things now it has actually helped to strengthen our relationship. Sometimes you don't know how much 'damage' there is to a person until they are in a decent relationship again. I say this because it is happening to me so I relate to your partners issues. I hope this helps. My advice is to hang on in there - dc ryan is spot on.
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A
male
reader, dc.ryan +, writes (27 December 2007):
Such problems are very hard to over come, a lot of women are very sensitive about their appearances (even with a life with no abuse) but it even more so if they have had a past of abusive relationships. Low self-esteem/confidence is a horrible thing to handle in a relationship, because it can make you feel personally very insecure within the relationship as she is showing no counter-affection to your comments - but you *have* to understand what she has been through, and how those comments don't register to her due the way she has been treated in the past. Due to it being a new relationship, I would wait for the foundations to build - she will get her confidence back if you are confident around her and offer the support when she needs it. Give her time, relationships are delecate in the early months - and due to her history, chances are she could be feeling very unsure/insecure and doesn't know what to expect from you (despite you feeling very close). Make a promise to her, that you will always be there for her - as friends or as partners and reasure her that you will always take your feelings into account and never go against them. This will show through that you are accepting her for who she is, and will be there for her now and in the future - which will generally make her feel happier within the relationship and gradually rebuild her self-confidence.I know it is annoying that she seems to turn a blind eye to your comments, but learn to live with it - as she won't be changing immediately for some time, just be patience and give her time to come around in her own accord. Good luck,Ryan
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