A
male
age
36-40,
*esley55
writes: Hey everyone,I am a 22 year old man with some very serious social issues despite the fact that I have been very successful otherwise. although this may be extremely hard to believe [it is for myself quite often] but I have never dated, hugged, held, kissed or had sex with any woman in my life and I have never been closer to a girl than just a female friend. My problems began when I was born with Autism and then given the procedure of an elective infant circumsion in which my body happend to react in an undesirable way. Over the years I began to rapidly recover from my condition at rate that had been previously unknown and I then reached what was considered full recovery by the time that I left primary school and even made a few friends (who I believed to be friends) in the process. I had reached the top of my game by the time I was in early high shcool but then things turned for the worse. I was transferred to another high school within another culture which ended up being an insult to injury. I was trying to understand their rules, regulations, and ways of life; kids would mercilessly bully me because I did not already understand them and any from of being new, different or standing out makes you a traget at that age. The few ''friends'' [and their families] that I had made earlier all ventured to this high school with me and they couldn't take the pressure ethier and they must have went to the point of commiting a serious felony and then ended up blaming me for it. So I end up in a situation where I was getting severly bullied, getting into fights that were picked on me everyday (sometimes 15 vs 1), getting hit between the legs every minute I breathed [even at the urinal in the boys' rooms], having teachers make me look like an idoit in front of the class over an issue because my logical thinking didn't agree with their personal views and having to deal with B.S. felony charges for a crime that I did not commit all at the same time!! Again, insult to injury is the story of my life. Whenever I had an opportunity to interact with a girl or when girls would approach me {in which they often did} I didn't even know what to do or say becuase all of the anxiety was brining back my Autistic social traits that I had recovered from. I even had girls ask me out on dates and I couldn't really give them an answer. Another thing is that I have always been really embarrassed about the wounds on my penis from my circumsion gone wrong so I never wanted to get intimate with a girl in fear of what she might think of me. I am now in the situation in which I am trying to improve every aspect of my life and so far I am struggling. I always turn women off on online dating sites and I don't know how to properly approach women in bars and clubs because they always have approach me when I am relaxed, casual, and being myslef. Finally, last but not least, I am struggling to get friends and dates because I have lost all sense of trust in others. I am sorry that this is long but I really appreachiate your advice.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 RainorFire might seem blunt, but I have to agree. There is a very short answer to this complicated story. And that answer is that the past must be left behind you so you can move forward.
To go a bit more in depth. You are scaring yourself into standing still. Without reason. You were bullied, well, anyone can get bullied. You having been bullied does not mean you're incapable of having a relationship, incapable of attracting a woman, incapable of making her happy.
You being bullied hurt you. You being insecure hurts you. But now that the bullying has stopped, when will you let it stop hurting you? When will you get over it? Yes, it will be with you in your memory forever, and it will shape you as a person, it had it's effect on you. But you decide how much this should affect you, you decide how long you want to dwell on it, how long you want your insecurities to keep you frozen.
It takes courage. Be courageous in some parts of your life, move outside of your shelter and what's safe and comfortable. You're stronger now, right? No one is going to bully you now right? You have been successful in other areas of your life. You have character strengths to rest on.
Give yourself time, but also pressure yourself a little. You want a relationship? Pressure yourself to go get it. And then at the same time, hold back until you meet a woman who is worthy of you, a woman who is right for you. Don't think you need to get with whomever you first meet and you HAVE to be with her and pressure yourself into it. That's a recipe for disaster. Push yourself to date, talk to women, maybe flirt. But hold back if the woman isn't the right one.
The right woman will make you feel comfortable. Make you laugh and smile. She'll take her time to get to know you, and show interest in you. She'll make you feel wanted and happy. She'll love your company, and she'll be understanding of your problems once you tell her about them. She'll never push you into anything, but once you open up to her, and once you show her who you are, weaknesses, flaws, scars, everything that is imperfect, she'll love you.
A woman who loves you goes beyond physical appearances, she doesn't care about them. If you have scars, if your penis is unique or different, if you look different, if you have a crooked tooth, she wont care, she'll love you either way. And if she doesn't care, then why should you? Which is why you need to let go of your insecurities and your past. Because to the future, and to the woman you let love you, it won't matter.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (27 June 2011):
 Honestly..
I feel very sorry that you had to go through so many bad experiences in life in such a young age. The pain, the suffering, the memories will never be erase from your mind, but its up to you to learn how to survive. Its hard, you might want to seek some professional counseling, but you own to yourself to be happy and live a normal life.
Don't you think that you haven't been through enough? Don't you think that your past was so sad? That you didn't deserve all this trauma? Wasn't all those people unfair to you? So, stop suffering.... Stop letting the past control your present life.
The true is that bulling, unfair situations happens everyday, to many people and we're all out there trying to survive, trying to make a happy, normal life. I know its hard, I know its difficult to make the 1st step, specially when your mind have been controlling you for so long, but you have to push yourself, you have to be strong, you have to remind yourself that all that it was the past and there's nothing you can do now. It was sad, cruel, unfair, but nothing you can do or change. You can change the today, you can change the future, make a better life.
What matters today is that you're alive, healthy. You still have a chance, and you can decide your life now. Those people are gone. You own your life, your world and there's nobody telling you what to do or stopping you now.
By your writting, I can tell you're a smart young man. If, girls approach you and ask you out, means you're decent looking, so what's stopping you, besides you???
When you meet a girl you like, just be yourself. Smile a lot and you don't need to talk too much, let them talk, just smile. I know you have trust issues, but its quite normal for a person to completly open up, takes time anyways. Taking things slow is always better and more natural. About, physical confidence? We all have our own issues and insecurities. When you meet the right girl, that's not going to be an isssue, believe me!...
I am sorry again, about your past, all the suffering, I understand you how you feel, how difficult and painful, but you're not the only one that have had bad experiences, ok?
Life is short to worry too much, start living life and doing all the things you always wanted to do.
Ps: I believe in God, don't believe in revenge, but I believe what goes around comes around. It hurts my heart when I think this way, but I am sure those kids that hurt you are not successful today...
Goodluck! :-)
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (27 June 2011):
 you think way to much.. leave the past behind so you can move forward
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