A
female
age
30-35,
*ostHinduGirl
writes:this is very long. im an indian girl and i have been dating my american white boyfriend for 2 years now. im 19 years old. We are deeply in love and have been ever since we met. all my life, my parents have been extremely overprotective on me. i could never date or even go out with friends past dark. i had a veryy depressing teenage life because of them. i met my boyfriend when i was 17 and he is the same age as me. I had to sneak around ALOT in order to see him. my parents found out about me and him a year after we started dating. my dad was soooooooooo pissed, he almost hit me. he told me he wanted to kill me. He forbid me from ever seeing my boyfriend again and demanded me to forget about him. After my parents found out us, i was constantly either with my mom or dad. i never left their sight. i couldnt go out with my firends ever again. my dad told me i couldnt dorm in college and i had to come home everyday after class finished. i didn't want to live a sheltered life anymore. it was tooo much. i was soooooo depressed and my boyfriend was too. he wanted me to ran away from him. I couldn't take being this sheltered anymore. i was 18 and i was so suffocated by my paretns. i just wanted to live and be happy for once. i wanted to be social and go out. i wanted to be with the boy i dearly loved. So i took a chance and one morning i left. i left my parents a note that i was unhappy and told them to forget about me. i told them that i could not live up to their expectations and i wanted to happy. so i lived with at my boyfriend's parents house for a day or two. after i left, my parents called my boyfriends house off the hook and begged me to come home. my dad was in tears and showed up there in tears several times. It was then he told me that i could be with my boyfriend. He just wanted me to be home.See my dad is the type of guy to look after his reputation. All indian people are like that. Indian people are very judgemental and he doesn't want to look badly infront of the indian community. So i really know the reason why he accepted my boyfriend because he wanted me to come home and he didnt want other indian people to think that i ran away. it looks bad to them, you know. this is now a year after the incident happened. and still to this day my dad does not accept my boyfriend. He doesn't want me to marry him. My boyfriend is going to the navy reserves and going to college for engineering. still thats not good eough for my dad. my dad wants an indian guy for me. but my boyfriend is amazing in sooooo many ways. he understands me, takes care of me, loves me sooo much, respects me, is devoted to me, he doesnt even look at other pretty girls when im around him. he is sooo good to me but the only thing is that hes not indian. i do not care that is not indian. i love him alot. i want to marry him but my dad said he would much kill himslef than me marry my boyfirend. PLEASE helppp! should i marry him if things go well in the future or take my family's happiness into consideration?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): Hello my friend,
I too am an indian girl so i know your condition. Forget about your parents and focus on your boyfriend.!!!!
A
male
reader, Fell in love with my Punjabi best friend +, writes (13 March 2012):
I just wonder with all the great advice about keeping your family, and the rest of the advice that you should also make both work - if you are still following this, what did you ultimately decide to do?
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reader, jinalip +, writes (1 January 2011):
hey i am also indian and my parents are the same way. I am in the exact same situation as you. I feel so depressed and unhappy. My mom will not let me even go with my friends for a couple of hours. I cant leave the house without getting in a figh first. But i do live in a dorm. THat is the only freedom away from home i get. I hate being home. Its so sad. My boyfriend is mexican. She knows. She does not accept it. I cant do anything. She calls the place where I work to see what time I left every night. I suggest you stay with him. Whatever makes you happy goes. That what I will do. Its your life..not your paretns. I know its all about their reputation but your unhappiness is more important
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): Hi,I am a punjabi girl, I have been living in US for the past 10 years. My parents dont allow mw to do anything with my friends, I am always home with my parents, whereas my brother gets to do as he pleases. I also had a punjabi boyfriend, My parents found out and they beat the crap out of me. I still have scars and its been a year. He asked my parents to marry me, he begged me to run away with him. He promised he would take care of me, my education, my needs. I didnt go. I wasnt strong enough. Even if I had gone I wouldnt have been happy and I would have always felt like I was doing something wrong.I loved him. But I loved my parents more. I guess you need to think long and hard about the aftermath. Would you actually be happy after doing what you want? Would you not be worried your whole life? Wouldnt you be upset that your kids wont get their grandparents love? That things might never go back? Ask this from yourself and you'll have the answer. Mines was no. So I am still the good punjabi girl.
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reader, STmaster112091 +, writes (16 August 2009):
Honestly, I think you should pursue your marriage with your boyfriend. Honestly, if you think about it, you don't want to wake up next to some guy you don't even love and he can have sex with you whenever he feels like it. Indian parents will never understand that we live in the United States. If they believe in God, they better believe in soulmates. And that's other people's fault for being judgemental towards your dad's reputation. He was in tears because his reputation was at stake. I can absolutely 100% guarantee they don't give a fuck about you. He cares more about his rep. Do the right thing. Make yourself happy, and love the man you are meant to be with. Take care and good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): Hi,
If you had the courage to pack your bags and move out..with your dad coming and begging .. i think you will have the courage to even marry him. Just don't loose heart and never compromise..never give yourself the chance to regret whatever you did in life..
All the best :-)
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reader, LostHinduGirl +, writes (10 June 2009):
LostHinduGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you everyone for reading my question and thoughly answering it!!! this helped me understand that family is forver but i still should seek out my own happiness. I am not in india, i am in the usa. it makes me angry that my parents moved here and they do not want to live or accept ANY american culture. all my life, i felt very left out because all my friends went out and enjoyed, while i stayed home and helped cook and clean like a good indian girl. And yess i do know how to cook very goood indian food =)
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): i think your father is a bit of a drama queen (sorry, i am rude ) he must not worry about what the people will say but look at your happiness. that having been said, plse realise this- your parents love you. they are just going about it he wrong way- either out of fear or just paranoid. try talking to a close family member, get this person to intervene. let them talk to both your parents. as a start how about inviting your bf home for supper. slowly get them to be around him. let them see his good qualities. i think what your parents are fearful of is this- this guy will use you, then abandone you. if yo are having sex with the bf PLEASE take precautions. do not fall pregnant before marriage, then it will add more fule to this already burning fire. young love is very special. but the bond with your parents is too, so plse do not disrespect them. show them that you still love them and still want to be their respectful daughter. their love is misguided and they think they know better than you. i think they were brought up in an ultra conservative manner therefore they are doing the same with you. but they must realise this is america, the land of the free. you can be "free" but with good morals that they taught you from small. you need to display good qualitites and show them being in love with a guy from another race has not changed you. it is not going to be easy winning your parents over. but it will be worth it in the end. just as you are fighting to be with your guy, fight to be a family with them. you can have it all. you need to stategise and please do not let yourself or your race down. plse be proud to be an indian and even traditional. it is what makes you special and maybe it is what attracted your bf to you. so being different will work in your favour. and slo plse do not talk bad about your parents to them. i think you are also judging them all because you are in pain over their non acceptance. i find it so strange that you talk about your dad in the way you do. i actually see his behaviour as any typical father, wanting to protect his daughters reputation, and also keep his. you see as parents we do not want to admit our failures. we try to hide that we too are scared and believe me he is scared too. scared that you will get hurt. scared that you may fall preganant. scared that your life will be over if this boy messes it up. i think you will be wrong to agree to an arranged marriage. it will not be fair to the other guy. your heart is not in it so better decline a marriage proposal outright. plse do not mess up someone else's life. i wish you love but more esp i wish that you openly communicate your love to your parents. do not feel asahmed of who/what you are. be proud to be an indian, with values and ethics that they have taught you. but slowly win them over with your love and humbleness. plse do not leave your bf. you two seems good together. i am not saying to sneak around, that will be childish of me. but have respect while you are with the bf, no sitting on his lap and openly kissing in fron of the adults etc. you knwo what ia am saying. and also show your bf the indian way of life - i think in your haste to please him and be accepted you may have given/shown him the bad side os your culture. perhaps start teaching him about he good waya and also just as you respect his race/culture, please get him to start respecting yours.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): Living in India, I know where you are coming from. Lets assume for a moment that your dad is not going to harm himself over this and that he is just going to disown you in case you marry your love. In that scenario, it depends on your mental strength. If in the future something goes wrong between you and your boy, and your family is not willing to support you, are you mentally strong enough to stand on your own? Do you have a good number of relatives and friends who are able and will standby you? If you have a positive answer for such questions, you can make a bold decision and move forward. Now, regarding your father's threat, I really dont believe such threats will be carried out. He has no right to demand what he is demanding and he is very wrong to blackmail like that. But what to do? Do you have younger sisters? Some Indian parents will be worrying about the future of their younger daughters if the elder one breaks a tradition. You must try to get support from uncles, aunts and grandparents. Those things work sometimes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): Is there any way you can compromise on this? I don't know how your religion works, but if you 2 were to get married, could your boyfriend convert to your religion?
If your family could accept him if he did that, then maybe that's the best way for you 2 to be together AND have your family's blessing? If your boyfriend is serious then he may agree to this too.
If it's not allowed or your family is still against it, then I think you should move forward without your family's blessing, as long as you know all the consequences of leaving them behind. You and your boyfriend may not last forever, and if not, it's highly unlikely that your family will welcome you back.
Have a long hard think about this, and don't make any rash decisions. You are free to do what you like legally, but where does your loyalty lie? Good luck with making this decision, it won't be easy!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): Don't your parents mean anything to you? Doesn't their love and devotion count for anything? It doesn't mean that you should sacrifice yourself for their wishes, but it doesn't also mean that you shouldn't even give a damn about them. This is serious matter. Almost of life and death. Your family and your reputation for generations is at stake here. You need to be very careful. You come from a background which is very mature, and has roots going back to thousands of years. p />I think this is what you should do:No matter what, do not cut ties with your family. You are still young, and so is your boy friend. This relation may last for a life time, and it may be over in next year. No one knows. All people who are in love think that theirs is forever. But your family and community is there forever! There will come a time when you would want to hang around other people from your culture, family etc, and you do not cut those ties. Trust me on that one.No matter what you do, do not treat your parents with disrespect, or as if they don't matter, or as if your boy friend is more important than them. I bet that a great deal of opposition from them is the result of resentment that all of a sudden a boy, whom you only met a year ago and is probably boinking you every night, has become more important to you than your parents. Its the thought of rejection and seeing their value diminished is what's driving more of their opposition.No matter what you do, don't stop loving your boyfriend. He probably is the right guy for you.You need to sit down with your parents. Assure them that you love them the most, and no matter what, you will never ever leave them for anyone. Don't just say it, mean it. Make them realize that you value them, love them, cherish them, and will do anything for them. Once you have them believe that, half of the battle is won. It may take weeks to get over this hurdle. You have been fighting them, hurting them, and been running away for almost two years now, so it will take a little while before you bond with them again. I repeat, do it sincerely. Not just for the looks. You said that your BF is going away for Navy, so may be this is the perfect time anyways.Once you bond with your parents again, open up lines of communication with your mom and dad. It will be easy with mom, so use her to soften up your dad, but eventually you should be able to start talking to your dad. Talk to him. With full respect. DO NOT, repeat DO NOT bring in the fact that you are an adult, or have legal rights, or that you don't need his approval. But make him realize that you have grown up, and are in love with this man, and he dearly loves you too. Make your dad realize that the biggest dream of his life probably is to find you a groom who will love and cherish you forever. Tell him that this BF meets that criteria. At this stage, have BF meet your parents, and try to find out why is it that your parent realy oppose this. In the end, you will find that it is some very small reason. Probably no reason at all. And you may find that the real reason behind the opposition was that it became battle of wills, and that you hurt them, and thought that you could make them cave in by fighting. And by your attitude that you don't give a f* about your culture, values and their reputation. Address these fears and hurts, and you will get your way.Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): from a middle-aged white guy...I wonder if it would be the same if you were a guy. I doubt it.Anyway, though your situation is somewhat extreme, many white American girls have the same sort of troubles and ethnic identity is NOT an ingredient. I've known many situations where parents felt that nobody was good enough for their "little girl." Remember, to them it was just a couple of years ago when you were indeed a little girl. My mother-in-law hated me before she knew me (and still does hate me btw; that's okay, the feeling is mutual). Anyway, your dad is being selfish, manipulating you with guilt, and using you as nothing more than a tool to puff up his ego. He is not doing this for your benefit. He is consumed by fear that some other little indian guy will make fun of him if it appears he cannot control you. In the U.S. that's not much on which to stake your manliness. Oh, and if I seem worked up, I don't like the notion that I am not good enough because I am American and white.You can't do this, but if I was there I would ask him, (1) What are you afraid of?, and (2) If Indian culture is so great, why did you leave and when are you going back?, (3) Who made your plans for you and how did that work out?, and (4) Have you even met the guy, how do you know you won't like him? Tell him if it doesn't work out with this guy, there is a really nice black, Muslim guy that you know. (just kidding, don't everybody start writing in; can't you take a joke?)And don't be critical of your Mom. Just imagine what she has been through with all of this fake macho stuff. Outside she might be siding with your Dad, but inside she is on your side.I've talked enough. You and your bf make your plans and go ahead. It will happen sooner or later so why not sooner. Tell your Dad you will always love him no matter what, but it is now his choice if he will be a part of your life, and you hope he chooses to be a part.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): You cannot sacrifice your own happiness for the rest of your lives simply because your parents are close-minded. You're old enough, you have your own heart, your own mind, and you have to do what's best for it all. This is not a good reason at all for missing out on the love of your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): If your parents can't be loving, thoughtful and supportive than why should you? If they only think of their feelings than why should you be so kind as to think of theirs? Sounds like you've sacrificed a lot already for them and you shouldn't have to.
Your father's remarks about killing himself are cold. Why are you staying? Sounds like you are being a devoted daughter but honestly your parents or at least your father doesn't deserve it. Leave, be happy, ruin your father's reputation - that would be his doing, not yours!
Your father is trying to control you with treats. He is making you feel bad and making out that if you did this he would die. That is controlling, manipulative and mean. His love for you should be a higher priority than his reputation but clearly it isn't.
Go be happy. Like others have said you're not in India so you don't have to conform to its rules or customs.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 June 2009):
 Some of my relatives and many of my friends went to live in the United States. I realize that making it to America does not mean becoming assimilated right away, and that is so no matter where you come from. But I fail to have a valid reason why you could not eventually marry your American boyfriend. It is your life. I understand things are different in India, but you're not in India anymore. Nor would we tell you otherwise even if you lived there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): Well don't mean to be mean, but you are in the USA. Though we permit citizens to freely practice their religion, once a person become 18, parent by law no longer have control. Now this doesn't mean the law will gt involved if you still live with your parents.
Being that your parents have come to the USA, it was their duty to assimilate along side other Americans. Saying this, you will have the majority of Americans on your side. Americans highly frown on the old customs of middle easterners, such as the Middle Eastern Diary custom. That is almost a form of selling a human person, at least the expectations of it. We do not have this here.
What you dad does on his own is his business, and to threaten you with it is childish, and typical of the Mid-Eastern cultures, they are so behind the times.
If you cannot get your father to "see the light", then you need to move on without his blessing and not look back. Not sure about the Koran, but their is a passage in the Bible for a man to take a wife and seperate from his parents. If he chooses to seperate from your parents, then he has that right also, meaning that the two of you can move freely within the USA and set up home.
I hope at least one custom you have learned and learned well, and that is Indian cooking. While I lived in Chicago, a coworker was from India, and they would invite me for dinner on occassion. The food was so incredbly tasty. Good luck!
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