A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I don't really know what to start but its a very long and complicated problem between me and my partner, mainly around me struggling with trust issues. I have been with my girlfriend for 2, coming on to 3 years now. Everything was perfect until someone in my soccer team took a liking to her. As she was good friends with his friends, they used to be around each other occasionally when I wasn't there, which made me feel really uncomfortable. Eventually it got to the point where he claimed to be in love with her. I immediately told her she had to stop seeing and contacting him before anything happened. She agreed to stop contacting him via facebook/texting etc, but said she couldn't stop seeing him because they had the same friends. I thought this was okay and compromised with that. Things got worse and worse and every time she went to see her friends I had a horrible feeling in my stomach, it was as if I somehow knew something wasn't right. She started becoming very secretive with her phone... and the opposite with me. Every time I received a text she would grab my phone and make a joke out of seeing who it was. If I ever did the same she would get angry or frustrated with me and tell me not to do it. A few times in the following months I found texts on her phone received from said man, with a conversation taking place after as if nothing had ever happened. Said man now hated me because he wanted her, and couldn't. I made my insecurities very known to my girlfriend but every time she just said "I love you don't be silly", the usual response. Here is where it gets complicated. I have recently moved overseas, 3 weeks ago, and she is due to come with me in the next month or so. However, 2 days before I left the country, I accidentally found texts on her phone from this man. There was a conversation between the two and he said at one point "I was just seeing if you were home so we could hang for a while". I'm not sure if this is me being over paranoid, but someone who you apparently haven't seen or talked to for months wouldn't say something like that so casually. It's almost as if they had hung out more than I knew behind my back, in secret. I don't know what to think about everything. When she told him to leave her alone in front of me near the beginning of everything, he said something along the lines of "stop pretending you don't like me".I'm starting to get really insecure about the whole ordeal, and being on the other side of the world to her makes things extremely difficult, we can't just have a face to face talk about it. What do you think? Am I being overly paranoid about this? Overly insecure? Or is there more to it?From a very insecure boyfriend
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): You're not a district attorney, man. You don't need evidence. Look how sad you've become. You're hacking into her email, trying to decipher encoded messages for crying out loud. Dump her now and save your sanity.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah I'm thinking it was a code. Next time we talk I'm going to be completely up front about it. The actual response her friend said was.. "OMGSH.... so many theorys. leme gues. kay jay with dave? lol" (dave being the guy). I don't even understand the second half of the sentence which again leads me to believe its some secret code crap.
Thankyou for all your responses, they have helped me greatly :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): The seagull thing sounds like a code. A girl I knew used to do something similar, and would always refer to the men she was cheating on her boyfriend with as either an animal or something related to the area in which they lived when she mentioned them in texts or on Facebook.
It really sounds like she's cheated. I would leave her & move on if I were you.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (4 March 2011):
She seems decided to avoid confronting this. And even when you don't have solid proof, little things keep appearing and disappearing later (which is worst). If that was a harmless message why deleting it?You may be should tell her not to move with you until she's made up her mind and tells you what's going on here. Sorry, but I think that letting her travel overseas to where you are in this situation would be a total mistake.
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (4 March 2011):
 You feel like she's hiding something because she keeps dismissing you. Sorry, I really think something is up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBeing overly curious I decided to check her facebook mailbox... she had sent a message to her best friend that sounded really silly; "Where do seagulls live?". The reply she got mentioned this guy, so I assume it is a personal thing they said to each other about him. I confronted her about the whole situation and I was told to stop being so insecure bla bla bla. I check her facebook again and the message has been deleted.I don't even know what the message meant, it just sounded like a lot of rubbish. But I just can't kick the feeling that she's hiding something, and I don't know how to confront it. :(
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A
male
reader, Capri2 +, writes (4 March 2011):
Well. We think based in what you wrote here. We share your point of view, so don't discard the possibility that we are wrong (including you). The point is there is nothing for sure right now. And you are in a awful situation. It will be difficult, but don't stop trying yo get your life ahead. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Flashtony +, writes (3 March 2011):
She's cheating on you dude, you either have to accept it and hope it will all be over when you go abroad or move on.
Personally... I'd move on. Sorry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do trust her, I'm 100% sure of that, but it just becomes so difficult for me to do that with the things that have taken place...
I really appreciate everyone's answers so far! It definately gives me something to think about. At least I get some comfort out of knowing it's not only me!
I will talk to her when I can, and face up to the situation with her. See what happens I guess... It's very hard being on the other side of the world from her and not knowing anyone as well. I keep thinking about it over and over, making myself feel even more pessimistic.
Thanks again everyone, I hope there are some others who have encountered some similar situations? :)
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A
male
reader, Capri2 +, writes (3 March 2011):
Based in what you wrote here, I agree there's no proof of cheating. But there is something very suspicious there. The message you read asking to pass by her house doesn't fit at all.It's hard but you have to confront her about this. And maybe you have to tell her about that message too. No matter how angry she can get about you having checked her phone.How good do you know your girlfriend? How much do you trust her? I know you are already insecure about this. But I guess you have to ask this to yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): Personally I don't think you are being over paranoid. All of what you've written doesn't prove she is cheating but it does seem very suspicious. Especially the fact that she agreed to stop contacting him via text but went behind your back and did it anyway. Also the text he sent saying "I was just seeing if you were home so we could hang for a while" sure makes it sound like she's been seeing him without the group of friends being around.If you're moving overseas and not coming back, meaning there's no way she can possibly meet up with this man again, then you'll have to decide whether you can forget this (because now it's a bit late to prove or find out anything), put it behind you and trust her in the future. If not then I don't think you're relationship is going to work.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (3 March 2011):
No, you're not insecure. She's cheating on you. Sorry dude, but I'd bet the farm on it. The checking your phone while hiding hers is classic projection. She knows she's guilty, so she's trying to prove that you are too so she doesn't feel as bad about it.
At a minimum she's highly disrespectful of your feelings, but my gut tells me your worst fears are the reality here.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2011):
 What it comes down to is TRUST.
Do you trust your GF or not?
If you say you do, then talk to her, tell her, that you feel jealous about that guy and how he seems to be courting her, but that you trust her to be honest with you.
Might not be a bad idea of having a conversation of what you two think is OK in a relationship and what is crossing the line.
Might also be a good idea to ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed. To me it seems like she is not so secretly enjoying his attention and that is not cool. She really has no reason to be texting this guy. Talking to him when in his company (around her other friend or you) I think is OK, but texting? Not so much.
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