A
female
age
36-40,
*horty2703
writes:Hi I hope someone can help me I'm 29 and I'm married to my 45 husband for 10yrs with 2 beautiful step kids I love very much. Things haven't been good with my husband and I for years a month after we got married he started to abuse me in every way possible but like a young idiot i was in love and stayed with him. But my stepson lives with us since he was almost 18 he just turned 21 and him and I always have been very close but he dropped a bomb on me a few nights ago and told me he was I love with and has been for a few yrs but didn't know how to tell me. I told him I was flattered and that I loved him too but not in that way. He won't accept it and keeps pushing it.It make my life even more unbarable and very uncomfortable to be home. He keeps sending me love texts and just last night he tried to kiss me.I dont know what to do PLEASE HELP!!!!!
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 December 2013):
 Wow that's wierd but maybe the "love" is tranferance from a need for biological motherly love and he's all jammed up inside and doesn't know how to deal with it in a rational way. He surely needs professional advice and a few sessions on the couch with a shrink.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 December 2013):
 Hi shorty, it sounds like you've been in an abusive marriage now for 10 years and the stepson has begun to harass you as well. I would go here: http://www.thehotline.org or call this number: 1-800-799-7233 and get a referral for local help.
You do not need to stay in an abusive marriage and you do not need to make apologies for or tolerate the stepson's behavior. Obviously this is all very dysfunctional and not normal, so be brave and get the help you need.
"he started to abuse me in every way possible but like a young idiot i was in love and stayed with him." So you aren't a young idiot any longer, nor does it sound as though you are in love with your husband. You do not need to be an old idiot still in the same position, right?
You can set yourself free from the abuse and get counseling help in coping with the inappropriate behavior of the stepson. Be brave, make that call! 1-800-799-7233
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A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (1 December 2013):
If you do confess this to your husband, chances are he won't believe you and will accuse you of of seducing his son and you say your husband is abusive which will make it even worse.You're going to have to tell someone whether it's a close friend or a professional before it gets out of hand. If your husband is abusive get out now...divorce.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): I will add, if you cannot find the courage and fortitude to resist this young man, keep a few things in mind. This is an age of video, phone cameras, and hidden cams. Your reaction and participation in any unsavory behavior could give your husband a lot of latitude in divorce proceedings. Even weaken your credibility to law enforcement, if you're attacked. Your self-esteem would be damaged from discovery or mass exposure of any compromising behavior caught on video. It could also set off more abusive behavior from your husband.You're not attracted to your step-son, are you? That may be a minor factor effecting your ability to resist his advances. You're human. Don't take any blame for your state of mind. It can happen to any of us. I'm not judging you.The thing with abusive people is; their anger doesn't yield to reason. They only want to get back at the source of their discomfort, and gain control. So you don't know if you're being spied on, and you don't know if your step-son is not preying on your vulnerability; just as his father is wearing you down and bullying you. You step-son is a witness to your deteriorated emotional state. He may find your weakened emotional state sexually appealing; if not just an easy target. If he respected you, would he be so persistent? Don't you dare mistake this behavior for being overcome with desire and love. It's lust. In one of it's worst forms. He's no fool. Your stepson is defiantly dismissing your marriage to his father. He realizes discovery of his inappropriate advances toward you can have catastrophic consequences. You literally risk life and limb. Verbal abuse is only one step from physical abuse. This is much too volatile; due to the type of emotions it could raise. Rage being the worst.I am trying to get this point across for your personal safety and to make you see clearly. As a victim of abuse, you will seek solace from anyone offering you comfort and empathy. You will seek a safe-haven whereever you can find it. Into the arms of the son of the man you married should not be one of them. His moral support and intervention during heated confrontations is adequate and more appropriate. Anything above and beyond, is merely taking advantage of a woman beaten down and lacking in judgement.Please seek counseling for your abuse. This will give you the tools to easily recognize abuse; and give you the courage and willpower to remove yourself from this situation. When you are a victim of abuse, your self-confidence and judgement makes you more susceptible to continued mistreatment, and prey for sexual predators. You need therapy. So you can learn to overcome intimidation by men. As the previous aunt mentions, never be alone with him. He is now too old to be living with you and your husband. He is obviously oblivious to the lines and boundaries of your marriage. These two men are devouring your spirit. I take your post quite seriously.Get yourself help as soon as possible, my dear.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 December 2013):
 The answer is that you Stand your ground and recognize that this confused young man is trying to destroy and challenge his father while also (maybe he is not realizing it) setting out to destroy your life as you know it.That you even said your were flattered was a mis-choice of words. Sure you have been a mother to him.Sure he has seen his father abuse you.But you are not the resident sex object to be used in the home.This young man has been able to witness you putting up with an enduring bad behaviour from his father.But what he is trying to do is also disrespectful and suggests that his thoughts are confused and the situation needs you to be very firm and assert what is unacceptable towards you (his intentions) . You must say no to this young man.Perhaps even get him into alternative accommodation.Do NOT allow yourself to be home alone with this young man. Once he was a boy. Now he is a man. And he is attempting to betray his father and get you into real trouble because you are the nearest available woman. Get him mixing with a group of people his own age. I think you may need an outside counsellor to help you with this one as bringing it out into the open with your husband could result in your husband siding with his son and you on the outer.This is a volatile and unacceptable situation.You need some professional help to negotiate through this minefield.This young man may even think he is "saving" you from abuse. But all he will do in the process is destroy your reputation and your marriage.Be assertive.Tell him:John when you fail to respect my boundaries and refuse to accept my NO as an answer I feel that you are indicating a lack of respect for my position and my feelings and as a result I think it would be best if your father and I helped you to find alternative accommodation as I no longer feel safe in your presence, when you will not respect that I am a married woman, married to your father and that I am your step mother. So any talk of a relationship is out of the question.Perhaps the young man also needs some counselling to deal with losing what he never had in the first place - his step mother as his potential sex partner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): Like any other guy persistently coming on to you, you bust him in the chops.
Have a backbone, and put your foot down. There is no such thing as "no taking no for an answer."
There is such a thing as not trying very hard to get the point across.
Come on, the weak female bit is an insult to the modern woman of the 21st century.
If all he gets back is a weak mousy squeaky "no, stop;" instead of an emphatic: "QUIT WITH ALL THE CRAZY STUFF, I'M YOUR STEP-MOTHER!!!" He senses you're giving in by the lack of outrage.
It was inappropriate to say you were flattered. Your reaction should have been more discouraging. Even if you had to fake that you were upset with him for coming on to you. It he tried to kiss you, that should have blown the top off the kettle. He's taking you for something you're not.
Stop being coy. You know exactly how to handle it. You inform him it's just a crush; and you are married to his father, in spite of your marital issues. If you're not more vehement about ending this, he could tell a very different story from what truly happened.
The apple doesn't usually fall far from the tree. He may just be setting you up. I don't care how well you get along; that was supposedly in a family way. This is a powder keg, and he's holding the match. Young men think more with the little head than the big one. You know that as a woman. He knows you married to his father, and showing disrespect by coming on to you.
After a divorce, you're on a different playing field. One I wouldn't tread on, even if you paid me.
How do you usually fight off men making unwanted passes at you?
I presume the feeling isn't mutual? It sounds more like you're having a hard time saying no.
If your husband is abusive, imagine the nuclear explosion if he suspects you're coming on to his son? Do you think your step-son is going to admit he's making all the moves?
You'll still get the bulk of the abuse, if he did.
You better rewrite the script on this soap opera, and soon.
Put the boy in his place, divorce the dad, and get the heck out of Dodge!
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