A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I just recently became engaged to my boyfriend of two years. My boyfriend has a 5 year old son whom I have a great relationship with. His son has always been a little jealous of the affection his father and I show to each other, but lately it has been getting worse. We show him affection often by hugging and kissing him after we hug and kiss each other, but his jealousy hasn't subsided. It's gotten to the point now where he cries to sleep with us, if he sees me walking toward his father he makes a beeline to jump on his lap to prevent me from hugging or kissing him, if I hug or kiss his dad, he'll run over to him and hug and kiss him. Today after they came out of the room from watching football (I let them have a guys moment to watch football while I did chores) he ran over to me and hugged me to prevent his dad from hugging or kissing me. When we watch movies in bed, he makes a point to sit in the middle of us so we're not touching at all. I suggested we go see a child psychologist to give us some suggestions on how to approach the situation, but it always helps to hear the opinions of people that may have had experience in this topic as well. Any suggestions or advice will be greatly appreciated.Concerned Soon-to-be-Stepmom
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 January 2016):
 I think he might be feeling that his daddy has less time for him now that you are with each other. He is at an age where children to tend to have jealousy issues. Maybe get your boyfriend to talk to him and ask him how things are at school. Maybe this boy feels he is not getting enough affection. You both need to show him he is loved, but when it is adult time and he interrupts when he has been told not to well then I suggest that he has consequences for not listening. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys so much for the advice. All are great suggestions. My boyfriend has sat him down and talked to him about the fact that he isn't loved any less. I think it'll just take consistency, as was mentioned by chigirl. I don't believe he's holding on to hope that his parents will get back together. He doesn't have any recollection of them being together. They split before he was born and she is also in another relationship. He seems to have a good relationship with his step dad as well. His mom isn't really the affectionate type so that could be a reason as well. We all used to work together (my current fiancé, his ex, and her fiancé). We're all cordial as well. Although we all don't hang out or anything like that, there isn't any drama involved. I think setting clear boundaries is the real key here because he has my boyfriend wrapped around his finger. He has way more control than I'd like him to have. He's not a bad kid, very sweet, but he's bratty at times. We're planning on having children soon as well and I want to set clear boundaries now so by the time we have more, we're all on the same page. I wasn't raised in a home where a child has so much control so it's been a real struggle for me, but my boyfriend and I are learning to set rules. I want my children to understand that adults run the household and although their opinion and feedback is welcomed, their dad and I will have the final say. Hopefully in time the behavior will improve and we'll have a happy and peaceful home.Thank you guys again for the great advice.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 January 2016):
 I don't think you should waste your money on a child psychologist who will end up telling you little more than you already know. Yes, he has jealousy issues. Yes, you need to handle them. Here's how.
Be consistent and plug in some ear plugs if the screaming gets to you. You have to sit and listen to him throw his fits and show that neither you or his father will give in. If he tries to jump on your laps, or get in the way of you and your boyfriend hugging/kissing, then PUSH HIM AWAY. Be consistent with this, and be firm. He will throw a tantrum, he will scream, he will look innocent and cute and your heart will break, but you're the adults here and he is a child. Children thrive when they are shown clear boundries, and the children are never the ones to make the decision. They opinion can be listened to, but they need the adults to rule and in order for them to have a healthy upbringing and grow as humans, they need this. So no matter how hard you think it is, or how cruel he makes you feel, remember that this is for his OWN GOOD.
Good grief imagine what man he will grow up to be if you let this continue.
Do not accept it and be firm and consistent. Then he will learn and stop doing it, because he will see that it gets him nowhere. Children are quick to learn, so this bad habit of his should be gone in a matter of weeks, if you are consistent and keep it up. Even puppies with nowhere near the intellect of a 5 year old human will learn by being consistent.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 January 2016):
 I think his DAD needs to have a little chat with his son. It is unfamiliar territory for a 5 year old. He might still think his mom and dad will get back together, he might think HE can "make" them do that by preventing you two from hugging and kissing.
And it might be that the child is afraid that he will get LESS attention from his dad, now that you are so fully in the picture.
When the kids gets in the middle of you two when watching a movie, your partner (his dad) could put him on his lap or on the outside of himself, so YOU and HIM can be close - or you can accept that the kid is a bit insecure about his position right now and needs attention from BOTH of you, but maybe more so from his dad.
His dad NEEDS to be the one to set some limits and boundaries for what is OK behavior and what is not.
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A
male
reader, Forge +, writes (4 January 2016):
 My niece used to do this simply with my sister and I. Of course, our relationship wasn't like yours and your boyfriends. But my niece would get extremely defensive if I went to hug my sister goodbye, going as far as to tell me "no." I heard that she sat down with her daughter and told her that what she was doing wasn't okay, and she understood.
I suggest rather than paying more money than you should, you try sitting down with your stepson and talk to him. My niece was 3 and she understood just fine, so I think your stepson will get the picture.
That, or he's completely copying you and your fiance. Also unhealthy, in this situation.
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