A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really want to get over my ex, we are currently going through a divorce, I am divorcing him for his adultery with an ex best friend of mine!! He is in a relationship with her and living with her. We have a little boy too. I really want to get over him, I want to hate him so why can't I? I do not know the person he is anymore, he has changed and I really want to get on with my life but I can't get him out of my head, it's been 5 months now. Whenever I see him he interigates me asking me questions about things that are going on in my life or his familys life and when I tell him it's none of his business anymore he gets face on but then asks me the same questions again next time I see him. Some times he rings or texts using some other excuse first like asking how our son is then starts asking questions again. Its almost like he still wants to know everything that's going on in our lives but he chose her over me, his son and his entire family and I want to move on but it so bloody hard, every time I think I am doing well then bang something happens and I get down again, why does he ask all these questions all the time?How do I stop thinking about him and what he has done to me, I think it would be easier if I could understand why he did what he did but I know I will never get answers because he as turned into such a liar so I need to accept that and move on but I am really struggling, feeling so down!! Any advice greatly recieved
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (2 September 2011):
 Wow, he really is a piece of work. I'm praying for the day when you no longer feel the loss of your marriage and the pain of betrayal but actually feel glad you are shed of him. I have no doubt that day will come.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): Thank you so much for your answers, they help so much, just hearing that it's normal to still be feeling like this 5 months later helps has i didn't think it was.Has for custody of my son, he is only 14 months old, he is with me and his father pays maintence buts that is only because I went to the child support agency as he wouldn't pay me anything. Also may I had that he doesn't see our son and that is through his choice has I have offered him all the contact he wants and he is just full of excuses and lies all the time, either spending time with her or looking after her son or playing football. I want my son to have a relationship with his dad and well he comes across like he cares, asking after him all the time he won't have him. I have offered for him to have our son 3 times a week because our son is still so young and needs to see him regular and has I have said he is just full of excuses. The door is still open if he does ever decide to start putting our son first but it will only be still open for so long because I won't let him keep hhurting my son.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (1 September 2011):
 I agree with EyesWideOpen, it has only been a short amount of time, and the sense of betrayal is still very raw for you. I suspect also you are harboring a great deal of resentment, fear, and anger towards what has happened. These types of strong emotions are not overcome overnight.
I think your soon-to-be-ex is playing a game with you. Perhaps he is checking to see if you are dating or he is still stringing you along in case things don't work out with his new girlfriend. Either way, count your blessings -- he could be calling you and arguing with you and threatening full custody. Also, since you have a kid together, he will be in your life -- in some shape or manner -- until your child is an adult.
I suspect also he is still trying to be friendly and assuage his guilt by being nice. At least it would appear that you are still cordial and your child will see that and the divorce will have less impact on him.
In the meantime though, getting out and finding yourself will help you deal with some of the emotions you are dealing with. Try something new and get excited about something. Share your pain with a good friend / family and enlist their support.
Finally, time will be your best friend in this situation and while the pain may never 100% go away, it will get easier to deal with.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 September 2011):
 Sorry to hear he made such an appalling mess of things with you. What an awful thing for him and her to do! As Eyes said, give it time, you have some healing still to do.
I think it might help if you had some ready-made answers designed to deflect the interrogation. And learn to hang up on him if he is going on and on. Just say, "I need to go now, we'll talk about our son later. Bye!" and CLICK hang up the phone.
So here are some samples of things to say when the interrogation phase of the conversation begins. "Everything and everyone you've asked about are fine, thanks for asking. If we've covered everything we need to about our son, I think the conversation is over for now, BYE."
"Why do you want to know?"
"Why do you ask?"
"I don't have time for 20 questions today, everyone and everything is just fine. BYE."
Or start interrogating him back. "I'm curious why you feel you are entitled to this information. Do you not realize that things are not as they once were?"
"I'm wondering why you can't remember that we are no longer a couple. You don't have full access to my information any longer. I will accept your questions as an indication of care and concern but I don't have the time nor inclination to answer them."
Keep saying things like that in a calm, flat voice with no emotion or intonation. You will have to practice. In front of a mirror, record yourself so you can hear the tonality. The more you practice, the easier it will be. Before you talk to him, write these down and have them in front of you so that when you speak to him, you can merely read the words, without having to remember them.
Even better if you can just ignore the face he puts on, it's not YOUR problem any more, it's HIS.
Prepare, practice, rinse and repeat, lol. You can do this, you are settling into a new 'normal' and you might as well add some steel to your spine while you get used to it. Things will feel vastly different in just a few months, I'm sure. You keep on empowering yourself and looking out for your child and yourself, you'll be fine.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 September 2011):
You say 5 months like it is a long time. I say it's ONLY been 5 months; there is no way I'd be back on my feet if I were wearing your shoes. This kind of betrayal is so soul-wrenching it's going to take a while to recover. Be extra nice to yourself and know you are going to have good days and you are going to have bad days. As to why he keeps asking you all those questions, my guess is that he's feeling left out and misses being in the loop. I'd only answer the questions that pertain to your son and ignore the rest. If he cops an attitude so be it. He's made his bed, let him tussle with the sheets. I'm so sorry this has happened to you but you are still so young and I think you'll come out of this with shining colors.
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A
female
reader, cheers  +, writes (1 September 2011):
 well, in his heart he feels guilty leaving you. That's why is he keeps bugging you now.
You'll get the child custody, right? How's about maintenance that he had to pay you? house?
Simply reply him short answers ( fine,thanks or all-right or OK,OK or sorry,i'm busy(hang-up)).
I'm sorry to know this. You've to stand up as a Strong person for your son & deal with divorce papers work. Get it done!
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