A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My 12 yrs old son went to stay over with his mate, I assumed the mum of said child would stay in but my son told me she went to her mates for drinks and left them till 2am alone in the house to do what they liked , my son has never been left alone in the night so I am not happy . But obviously he had a great time no adult no rules.. he wants to go again but I am not ok about the mum going out and leaving them alone , I am more annoyed she did it on the first stay over as how did she know they would be ok ..Am I being mean by not wanting him to stay over . Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2022): I disagree. I think 12 yrs old are old enough to be left alone if the other adult members are near and can be reached by mobile phone if there is an emergency. I bet they had great time playing computer games and watching and giggling what grown ups do in the bedroom??.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 April 2022):
 In this case I would make contact with the mom before another stay over. The kids had a great time, according to themselves, and at 12 they ca be fine alone for a while. But thats really up to the parent to say if their kid has the maturity or not. However, I understand fully wanting to know about this in advance. I too would have expected a parent to stay at home with the kids. So maybe next time, check in with the mom first and say that it would be nice to know beforehand if theres going to not be any parental supervision or not. Just try to put it in a nice tone.
Other than that, I would ask the friend if this happens frequently. Is he often left alone over night? I would guess that maybe he is left alone, and in which case it could be a sign of neglect. However, until you know more, thread lightly. Just invite the friend over to your house for sleepovers instead, perhaps, and slowly and discretely ask questions about his home life. Is he getting dinner every day etc.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2022): You're right to put your foot down!
It sounds like she wanted somebody to stay with her son as she had no babysitter so your son was there to make sure he didn't get upset on his own without an adult.
Result for her because he didn't get upset, instead he and his friend had a great time, however, in your shoes I would be furious! She basically took complete advantage of you and your son and personally I wouldn't allow it again. Nor would I be having her son at yours as that's what she is expecting by the looks. You're the softie who will stay with them at yours but at hers, gloves are off so either way she is a winner.
You also have to understand that if her son stays with you, his bar of what he expects has been set. He will expect to stay up until 2am playing games and eating junk food etc.
By all means, have him over to play but certainly don't get into the habit of sleepovers as you are already on the steady path to being her babysitter - you and your son!!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 April 2022):
 Did you speak to her before your son went over and check (a) whether it was OK for your son to come and stay over and (b) whether the boys would be supervised? It sounds like you took it for granted that she had similar standards to your own, but you can never assume that of people you don't know well.
Perhaps you could volunteer to have her son round to your house in exchange for your son staying at her house but discuss with her what you expect when your son is in her care? Just saying as not everyone has the same standards. She may genuinely believe she did nothing wrong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2022): This is a first-offense, and the outcome (this time) was fortunate that nothing unforeseen or catastrophic occurred. There is nothing anyone could say in defense of themselves under such an irresponsible action. I wouldn't blame you if you gave her a piece of your mind. If by any chance you allow your son to stay again; maybe you'd want to ask her to keep an eye on the boys throughout the entire night!
Many people allow 12 year-olds to be home alone; as long as they're not going to be out all-night. I personally babysat when I was 12. Different parents have their own rules. I was never left alone even as late as midnight; so your concerns are more than valid!
Don't you even once believe you are overreacting; it's hard enough giving a kid a little freedom and trusting them into the care of school, other family members, or other institutions; but you'd expect more from a fellow-parent!!! No telling what condition she came home in around the kids.
That's now water under the bridge. The next-time, I suggest you be the host; considering you are the more responsible and dependable parent. Instruct your kid to call home when anything unusual happens at a stayover, or request he give you check-in calls time to time; to reassure you things are okay. Once he's 13, he's old enough to call 911; then you can be a little more relaxed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2022): She is using your son as a babysitter.
It is deceptive and ridiculous as she didn't make this clear to you before you allowed him to stop over.
It's unbelievable that you could be made to feel guilty for negligence on her part.
She would not take responsibility if anything went wrong!
I'll bet she'd blame you and your son!
Perhaps she is alcoholic.
You could always refer her to social services mentioning safe guarding concerns because when your son isn't there she will probably leave her son unattended.
Never allow your son to visit her home again!
I can't imagine any other parent thinking it was ok.
Poor little lad...he's probably left alone more often. than not.
You could at least mention it got their classteacher who would escalate it further if she also had concerns.
L
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 April 2022):
 That is just not OK.
And what kind of mother (or father) does this? Oh yeah, I said OK for another child to be in my house overnight so I'll go drinking?! Did she think because it was 2! children it was Ok?
My aunt was a widow with 4 kids. She worked as a midwife. So she worked really odd hours. She had 3 babysitters on call for emergencies so her kids weren't left alone overnight. The couple of times NONE of the babysitters could make it, my mom would go out there and stay overnight and just go straight from work there.
I think I'd pass on letting my kid sleep over at that house. Her kid can spend the night at my house though.
"Am I being mean by not wanting him to stay over ."
No, you are teaching him right from wrong. And that is wrong. It's NOT like she can't wait to go out drinking to a night where she isn't watching someone's kid overnight.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2022): There is absolutely no way I'd go out and leave a 12 year old in themselves to go drinking.
I'm pretty sure it is against the law also and social services would most definitely want to investigate that one.
What if someone broke in?
What if there was a fire?
What if one of them took ill or they had a accident?
What if they decided to leave and go wondering the streets at night?
Absolutely no way and I'd be furious if I trusted my daughter's care to someone and they left her and went drinking! Not a chance would she ever be going back there.
No there's no way my child would be going back over there to stay.
You are protecting your son, not being mean.
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A
female
reader, RitaBrown +, writes (20 April 2022):
No you're not being mean (although it may seem like it too your son.) In the UK she is probably breaking the law (although it's a bit of a grey area.)
Stick to your guns. Have the friend over for sleep-overs at yours instead.
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