A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So my partner has a short temper and anger issues and I don’t know what I can do to help. He isn’t willing to help himself and try and change but whenever I offer help or advice it makes him worse and he snaps at me. We have a son and he is now 21 months old, which is why I want him to get some sort of help or try to control it as I don’t want my son seeing his dad like this and picking it up and becoming a short tempered/angry person. Like any normal toddler, our son has started having tantrums and he throws his head back. This evening he thrown his head back and hurt my partner, my partner shouted at him and lost his temper. He throw his milk bottle, to which I went in the room as I heard a noise and seen what he had done. My son was upset and so I said I would take over to which my partner refused and said no it’s okay. I left the room again and a few minutes later my partner had thrown a book in anger. I walked in again and asked what had happened and made a ridiculous and horrible comment about hurting our son if he hurts him again. (I don’t believe he would ever hurt him, but that isn’t the point). I said ‘no you won’t, just let me take over and read him a story’ and he started saying ‘no just leave’ ‘stop talking’ so I asked him to stop speaking to me like a piece of crap, I’m not standing for it. At this point our son was upset again as my partner dumped him in his cot so he could speak to me. I went back in the room and picked him up, telling my partner he needs to sort his anger issues out because it ruins my day almost every day at the minute. It isn’t nice to witness and now he’s also taking it out on his family. (Verbally) It has been going on since my son was born and I know every person faces difficulties and challenges when they become a parent, it changes your life and you have to re-adjust to your new life but I can’t carry on having to put up with the horrible comments. I’m his partner and he speaks to me like absolute rubbish sometimes. Has anyone got any advice on what I could/should do in this situation? Thanks I’m advance. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (26 April 2021):
Did you call your health visitor today as I originally suggested? Please could you post a follow up so we know how you're doing. And feel free to private message me on this site if you want additional support.
Take care. Love Ruby
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 April 2021):
 This would be a deal-breaker for me.
I wouldn't want to watch my son grow up and become a man "like that". One without a sense of self-control.
Your BF needs to get help ASAP or get lost.
While that might sound simple in writing, I can understand that reality is not quite as black and white. However, YOU have to decide what YOU think is best for your son. To be around his dad? Or not. Children are like little sponges that learn SO much from just observing. If yelling and throwing things are par for the course, he will USE those tools as he grows up, even outside of his home. In daycare, school, social life. And it will HINTER rather than help him grow socially.
Monkey see monkey do.
You also write: "I’m his partner and he speaks to me like absolute rubbish sometimes." How do you think your son will talk to you when he gets a little older? To other women? To little girls? He is LEARNING that being disrespectful to a partner is the "norm", that it's OK. And while it will be MANY years until he will be dating anyone, many patterns start in childhood.
I also think you are making a BIG mistake of listening to your partner when he says: "I got this" when he really doesn't." You put your kid at risk.
Some of what you see is probably in the range of "normal" behavior of an almost 2-year-old. They aren't called the "terrible two's" for nothing. My oldest didn't have an age where she was like this, but my middle and youngest did. They didn't like the word, no. Tough cookies. They learned.
Your son needs boundaries. Clear and firm boundaries. Not being screamed at. Or intimidated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2021): Hi
I think you need to remove your child and yourself and do what is right for the child. Obviously he is his father and has as much right as you to access his child, but It sounds like he, your partner seems to have the final say on things. He should not be throwing things around where there is a small child, accidents happen. He needs to seek help for anger and maybe you could say when this is dealt with you will reconsider your relationship. Not a healthy environment for a child.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2021): What has to be done is a very difficult choice to make. You're in a volatile domestic situation; and the only solution is to separate you and your son from your partner.
He is going to react with rage, and use aggression as a means of intimidation; and to keep you under the grip of his control. Using your fear as a means of manipulation. He didn't develop this anger-issue overnight. You saw it in him long before you brought a child into this situation. Now you're scared to leave; because you know he'll react in a very hostile and frightening way. Even if you only threatened to leave him!
I can only presume you are on good terms with your parents, any siblings, or some extended-family. It seems most women in your situation are estranged from their own families due to dysfunction; or they let these aggressive-men separate them so far from their families they don't have access to their help. Even worse, when their families live in another country!!! Then they are left at the mercy of somebody like the man you're with; who is out of control, aggressive, and violent.
He refuses to get help to control his temper. Your only choice is to leave him! He is potentially dangerous!
Seek some free legal advice. Search under pro bono legal services online. You have to know your legal rights. If he's not your husband, his paternal-rights can be challenged. You will need help from your family. They are built-in witnesses. Hopefully, you are on good terms with them. This is the time to bury the hatchet; and resolve any ongoing family-issues. You must protect your son, and yourself as well.
You won't say it, but you are afraid of him. It takes a lot for a woman not to put herself in harm's way; if a man is threatening her, and she sees her child is in distress. You shouldn't be put in that kind of situation. Never!!!
This situation will require you to strategize a plan. You will need to contact law-enforcement to let them know in advance; that you are fearful, and you plan to leave your boyfriend. Request that you speak to a female-officer. Anyone specifically trained and assigned to handle domestic-situations. Female-offers are sometimes more empathetic than male-officers regarding domestic-violence. Ask the officer what she would recommend; because you want to remove your son out from an aggressive environment. Explain your boyfriend has anger issues, and you sense things escalating. At the same-time, you'll need to coordinate with your closest and most trusted family-member(s): to take you and your child in temporarily. There is no room for pride or shame here!
He should be given the final-ultimatum to seek anger-management therapy; if he wishes to see his son. That should only be under supervised conditions. I strongly disagree with you, you don't know if he won't hurt your son. How long are you going to wait around to find-out??? He's already affecting the child psychologically; and he has you afraid of him! If you weren't, you would have left him by now. He bullies you, and you back-away when he gets increasingly irritable. Leaving him alone with your son; while you hope no harm comes to him.
You have no choice but to leave, so you may as well prepare for it.
Call your family! Consult with an attorney, to do this legally; and to protect yourself and your baby. He will never reason with you, and he will use his temper and aggression to keep you from leaving him.
It is most unfortunate, that women wait too long in these situations before they gather the courage to leave. It's usually after he hits them; or worse, if he has done physical harm to an innocent child! That's when child protective services will intervene; and take the child from the both of you! The child's safety and wellbeing comes first! I pray your partner doesn't drink, or take drugs! This would further complicate matters!
Let me tell you something. If he injures you, or the child, during one of his tantrums; you will have to explain how it happened at the hospital. They will know if you're lying! Neighbors also know what's going on, and if they are aware of his aggression and bad temper. Some concerned-citizen, or a relative, may report it for the sake of the child. If you live with adjacent walls or floors to your neighbors; they can hear what's going on.
What's the point of being with him, if this is what life is going to always be like??? If your son turns out like him, or worse! What can you foresee in the future? Your son being a bully, angry, explosive, and mean? Difficult to handle? If your partner is as bad as you say, then I bet he's already had some run-ins with the police! If he hasn't, just wait.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2021): "Has anyone got any advice on what I could/should do in this situation?"
Accept the reality that you have chosen to procreate with a controlling, hot-headed, verbally-abusive sperm depositor who is not only incapable of being a loving responsible father but also poses an immediate threat to your son's emotional well-being and possibly physical safety, and it is quite unlikely he will ever change for the better.
Too many red flags to the point where you should NEVER leave your son alone with his male breeder for any length of time, not even seconds; he is a time bomb who could go off at any time without provocation.
Both you and your son need counseling ASAP, and you need to start formulating an escape plan should one be needed as it probably eventually will.
Water under the bridge now, but the time to determine a potential life partner's suitability as a parent is BEFORE you lay down and start making babies with him.
I offer my thoughts, prayers, and sympathies to your son. No child deserves to be born into such a volatile, toxic environment. Hopefully you will find the courage to take the necessary steps to protect and extract your son from the situation into which you have placed him. Your son didn't pick his loser sperm donor, YOU did!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2021): Forget the classes and anger management.Right now he has shown you who he is.This will affect your son in a very negative way.Keep a diary of his outbursts....each and every time...put the date and time on it.Why???Well because you will need this for full custody and supervised visitation.Yes he has anger issues which means a social worker should supervise each visit so your son stays safe.You need to be serious here and protect your child as it is your job as his mother.My dad was a yeller with anger problems....please do not do this to your kid.Be a mom...the kid always comes first.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (23 April 2021):
Yes. Call your health visitor tomorrow. Or Monday at the latest and explain to them what has been happening. They can help your boyfriend access anger management and parenting classes. Don't delay on this. This needs prompt attention.
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