A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband was acting like he was ragging yesterday because his boss laid into his ass about something. So we were arguing about little stupid crap all night because of his attitude. Well, whenever he starts to lose the argument he always tries to bring up old dirt to make himself look better. So he asked my son about an incident that happened while we were separated.I left him about 1 year ago because of his constant drinking and physical and mental abuse. While we were separated a friend/co-worker came by where I was staying (it was actually her apartment she was letting me use because she moved back in with her husband). When she came by she brought another friend we knew from work and it happened to be a guy. So anyway, we were drinking and having a good time and we all danced in a circle together INCLUDING my kids, it was harmless. Well he called that night and he was questioning my son about what was going on and my son told him that there was a guy there and we were dancing, so he automatically got pissed and thought the worst. I clarified the situation and supposedly it was dropped, though he's never really let it go.I will admit that later that night after I put the kids to bed he did corner me and started kissing me. My son walked out and caught us kissing but never mentioned it. Well last night my husband was asking him if mommy danced with that guy that night, (which shouldn't even really be a big deal, it's not like we were dirty dancing) and my son said yes and my husband used that as his reason to freak out. He started yelling and cussing and then he went into the bathroom and called his buddy so he could vent to him about it.When I put my kids to bed I asked my son why he said that and he said he thought dancing in a circle was the same as dancing with eachother. Anyway, he said "and anyway when you thought I was sleeping I saw you guys doing nasty stuff". My heart sank and I wanted to puke. I can't explain to him that it was only kissing because even that was wrong. But now I'm so scared that he's going to say something like that to my husband if he's questioned again and that will be blown out of proportion. I'm not sure what to do from this point. Do I just let it go and see what happens or do I tell my husband? If he reacted like that over dancing can you imagine what it will be like over the kissing?
View related questions:
kissing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your responses. And just to clarify the situation, we never divorced. I went back to him because he made an effort to stop drinking and even went to church with me every Sunday, even taking bible classes with me to become members of the church. I really thought he was making "that" change but as soon as I came back and he got comfortable again my worst fears were confirmed. The drinking started up again and he stopped going to church. Some days he's the man I married and some days he's an annoying beligerant drunk. Part of me wants to leave him again but another part of me wants to try and help him so we can have what I know COULD be a wonderful relationship. If he would just stop drinking!!!! Thanks again for your responses, I don't feel as guilty as I did.
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (8 March 2008):
 Hmmmmm, maybe bribe your son not to tell? lol...nah, just kidding!
Anyways, explain to your son that it was "kissing" so he stops calling it "nasty stuff." Otherwise, if he does start to talk to your husband, your husband might think that he means "sex" by "nasty stuff."
Your husband had no right to ask your son that, because in the future, that could scar your child, making him think that he was the cause for your husband being an ass at that moment in time.
Try not to bring up the coworker incident, and just go on.
You have my condolensces.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): Technically it is none of his business what you did then because you had split up with him due to his own unreasonable behaviour. If I were in your shoes, I would tell my child not to worry about mum & dad & just re-assure him that you two are grown ups and will sort out any problems amongst yourselves. If push comes to shove and your son says something, you can simply say to your husband that you were upset and that a male friend just gave you a hug & if you are really pushed, you can gloss over it by saying he gave you a quick kiss but that you rebuffed him and told him he'd misread. Remind him that you separated at the time so technically you were entitled to go with other people however you chose not to. That should shut him up. Then leave it at that. If he tries to carry on about it, simply say to him, calmly "i have said all i have to say on the matter.........however there are some other things i think we need to make time to discuss'. Also I would forbid him to bully your son - he needs to understand that children can easily take things out of proportion, misunderstand things and get frightened and muddled under pressure being questioned. Turn it back around on him and point out that it is not ok for him to harrass your son. I would make it clear to your son and to him, that this is adult stuff. You can explain to your son that he has misunderstood and that he must not worry about it and re-assure him that you are not going to run off with another man.
How dare he question you like this. He is trying to deflect his own behaviour away from himself by latching onto anything that he thinks you might have done. Don't justify yourself. Instead move on and talk to him about what his responsibilities are as a husband and father. Do you really want to stay with this man. Have you tried marriage counselling - do you think it would be worth a try. It is really mean that he behaves like this towards your son and he has to stop it. I'm sorry you are having such a stressful time - i know what you mean because i would be stressed out too. Don't allow this guy to bully you. He has to deal with his anger and stop venting in on his family and friends. If he had not been so badly behaved in the first place you would not have been alone and vulnerable but would have been happy in his arms. He is manipulating you and you must not stand for it. You are going to have to take a firm stand with your son and with your husband. I wish you luck. Take care xx
...............................
A
female
reader, korculan queen  +, writes (7 March 2008):
You were seperated at the time so what you did with this male is none of your ex husbands business. Your son has learnt from his father through the abuse your ex husband showed towards you how to get you into trouble and therefore continuing the abuse you got from your ex husband. Your son has modeled his father's behaviour and has learnt a core value and belief from him that women are trash and has learnt how to manipulate you to your ex husband's advantage and your disadvantage. I hope to god he is your ex husband and you are not taking him back because he is an abuser. Jealousy is one aspect of an abuser. Does he ever allow you to scrutinise his actions or behaviours. I am sure he has had many incidents with other women but the difference is he is an abuser and he feels ENTITLED to do as he pleases. You on the other hand have not been given that right due to his POWER AND CONTROL OVER YOU. Break the cycle. It is none of his business or your son's business what you do with anyone while you are seperated. Bringing up old stuff is his tool he uses against you. Ie GUILT.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): Let it go! Do not tell your husband at all and never bring it up!
...............................
A
female
reader, Jmo +, writes (7 March 2008):
 First of all, my sympathy goes out to you. You must have this sinking feeling every moment of every damn day and I'm sorry. Unfortunately, this is kind of a lose-lose situation. I don't know how old your son is, but if he says "when you thought I was sleeping I saw you guys doing nasty stuff" that shows that he knows what you were doing was something that warranted secrecy. Things will definitely come out eventually so your best bet is for it to come out on your terms. Tell him, but make it sound as if it were no big deal. Hell, you could even lie a little and say it was an innocent kiss that he gave you and neglect to tell him that your son saw. And anyways, you were separated due to his behavior (but don't bring that up unless you have to). It's better he hears from you and not your son. It's also important that you bring it up when he's calm and not in the middle of an argument because if he's the type of person who would bring up old shit in an argument, he's probably the type who wouldn't be able to rationally handle new information during one. If it gets really bad, and it sounds like it already is, you really shouldn't be in a relationship with him and he probably shouldn't be in a relationship with ANYONE. Take care of yourself, your feelings, and your son. Not to mention the ulcer you're going to have to nurse if you don't get this off your chest.
I wish you the best.
-Jmo
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): Seems to be like you are still in a situation where you are being emotionally abused and you may also have a fear of being physically abused. I think it s best for you to sit with your husband and let him know that at time you were separated primarily because of his abuse. You should also let him know that a kiss happened which was innocent on your part because it was the young man that actually kissed you.
Ask him about his encounters during the time you were separated and reiterate the fact that, that period is in the past and that if both are you are going to work through the relationship that there has to be respect and trust on both sides.
If you find that your husband is still abusive - it is best for you to suggest getting counselling together or if you really feel like the situation is not improving, please seek legal advice and protection. Abuse is not something to be taken lightly - it is not good for you nor your child.
All the best!
...............................
|
