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anonymous
writes: Help! I had a phone call from the Mother of my son's best friend ( a guy). I did not know this but I was told my 16 year old son is dating a girl who seems very troubled. She is into alcohol, drugs and she has 3 little kids. She is 17, and is one year older than my son. He just began dating her and already, after ONE week, they are telling each other how much they love each other. He is a good student and I am fearful his grades will slip, as she is convincing him to skip classes and come spend his time with her in the afternoons. I am sick over all this. He has always been a really, really responsible kid up to now. What should I be telling him to help guide him in the choices he is making. I need some advice, please and thank you in advance.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008): I can think of one BIG point that you've gotta get right wheneven you're dealing with any aspect of this:
You don't have a problem with her, you have a problem with the choices that she has made.
You've never even met her. I think your son needs to feel like you walked into this being 100% capable of liking & respecting her as much as any other girl he might bring home.
You have every right to be worried & disapproving of this relationship if she clearly brings specific dangers with her. But it will help a lot if your son feels like she had to earn your disapproval honestly, and not just because of one mistake in her past or because of a pattern that she might have already changed.
I guess I am saying don't criticize the three kids she brings or the alcohol/drugs that she has done already, criticize her when she still shows a careless attitude about preventing preganacies & doing drugs NOW.
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female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (21 April 2008):
 My God three kids at the age of seventeen, i just hope and pray that your son uses contraception and does not make her a mother for the fourth time. I can understand your concern especially with her being on drugs and alcohol, I am a mother myself with teenage kids so I know where you are coming from.
I think you will have to tread carefully here or could drive your son further into her arms more. But I would have a mother and son chat over this matter as oppose to going in all guns blazing. Explain that you want him to do well in his studies and get good grades.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): Hmm.. i guess from the sounds of it, your son knows that deep down, his new gf isn't a responsible choice of girlfriend, which is why he hasnt told you or introduced you and you had to find out this way.
Your son sounds like a good sort and you sound like a very caring mom and you sound approachable enough, so why not encourage your son to bring this girl over and have dinner, or at least to meet you? Even if you don't like her, you need not say so, just take a step back and don't criticise her or don't judge her- if you do, your son will sense that every time he opens his mouth, you criticise the girl he loves so instead will say nothing. At least this way, you know what's going on, right?
It sounds to me as though your son is caring and probably thinks he can help her out and i'm sure that time will bear out the fact that he can't. i figure that he'll get bored of her sooner or later. Being in a relationship with somebody who drinks and does drugs is a real drag. Keep the lines of communication open and don't do anything thats going to make them conduct their relationship in secret. Good luck, i'm sure it isn't going to be a relationship for life, i'm sure it will pass, i guess we've all dated unsuitable people before...
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female
reader, sub.rosa +, writes (21 April 2008):
I'm sure there will be a great deal of variance in the responses you receive. I am a seventeen year old female and perhaps the similarity in ages between your son and myself will provide a different perspective that may prove invaluable.
First and foremost...I would not attempt to forbid him from seeing her. It would be next to impossible to enforce and would alienate you from your son's situation.
Sit down and talk to him. If he cares for this girl, any derisive comment you make about her will be viewed as an affront to your son. It is uniquely exasperating to have a family member (especially a parent) disapprove of someone we care about regardless of whether that disapproval is merited. Exclude this girl from the conversation as much as possible. If you feel she is having a negative effect on his academic choices, express your concern about his grades or frequent absences...not about his companion and her influence on the situation. In this way, you can communicate your concerns with him without dealing in accusations.
If this relationship lasts for any significant period of time (it may well blow over quickly), you should attempt to meet her. Inquire about her in a manner which shows curiosity in a positive way. You need not let on that you know about her colorful history. Should he refuse to talk about her it would be perfectly natural to ask for a reason. He met someone he cares about...it's a happy occasion! Tell him you want to meet this girl that's made him so happy.
If you meet this girl...observe her carefully. You attested to your son's responsible nature in your post. If this girl is merely a troubled individual with good intentions...your son may be able to provide some balance in her life. If the opposite is true for her, you must play the role of counselor - not that of a dictator. Be there to advise him and rely on his sense of responsibility to make the right decisions.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): It sounds like your son is dating a very loose girl. In that case you've got more to worry about than his grades slipping because they're probably having regular sex. You say that she already has three children, so it's doubtful that she uses any birth control. Unless you want your son to father child #4, or contract an STD, do whatever it takes to break them up.
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