A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, im a mother of two. Since my children are baby,im the only one who take care of them. Their father cheated on me since then i was alone supporting them financially. I worked hard for them till they finished their college. Now they are grown up and both proffesional and stable. My problem is my son. Since he got a live in partner, he change totally, his gf cheated on him during the time he is on struggle and during that struggle his sister is his shoulder to cry on since they are very close. Then after certain time, he and his gf got back again together which make my daughter fill bad and get a bit angry. In short my daughter is not happy about it.i didnt enterfear in this matters cos i think they can handle this matters by them selves. But i meet the father of the girl, i thought it could be nice to know the family, but then the father of this gf, to make the story short, somehow did manage to cheat on me with money. Its not that much but still its money. I tried to be fine, try just to ignore it just not to get any problem. Then one day, i waa talking to my son via video call, somehow he is angry and telling me that i didnt like his gf and her family. I was shock. Because my son is shouting at me, i mean zero respect at all. Since he got back this gf he is fighting with his sister and now to me. Im terrible hurt. After all whar i did, this is what i got and im questioning my self how bad mother i am that i deserve this. I dont know what to do and i am in the thoughts not to give him anything when i die. He disrespect me like im the worst person on earth. Please people, if you are on my Situation, what are going to do. My daughter told me to just ignore his brother for a while..
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 March 2020):
 You daughter is right.
Don't REWARD his disrespect with attention or anything else. What he doesn't seem to understand is that both YOU and your daughter are on HIS side, so when his GF cheated you both decided she must be a piece of crap (and rightly so) which means when HE forgave her.... all was right in the world FOR him (and her to a point) nut you and your daughter didn't forgive or forget what she DID to him.
And then there is her dad. You said he cheated you financially. Well, that is no reason to dislike her, just him. But again. YOUR son CHOOSES to listen to his GF (who obviously has him wrapped around her finger) and YOU must be the one who did bad, not HER dad. Why he is thinking that? Maybe SHE is a very convincing liar, maybe her dad is too. Regardless, He chose THEM over you. Why? Because it's EASIER to gain you back when he needs you or wants you around than them. That simple. A mother's love is unconditional. He knows that.
What can you do? Well, take it as a lesson. Don't loan money to people you don't know all that well. And NEVER invest/loan money that you can't afford to lose.
He knows you don't approve of his choice in GF. And he doesn't like that fact that HE might not have picked a good one. You know when you tell a little kid no? Like no more cookies or don't hang out with that kid? Then it becomes the ONE thing they WANT to do. It's a rebellion of sorts. His is a bit ... delayed".
This really isn't about you. It's about him. His choices. His decision.
And while you and your daughter might be 100% right that this GF of his is no good, HE has to make these kind of mistakes himself.
Both you and you daughter need to just step back. Hopefully he will realize what an idiot he was and apologize for being disrespectful OR he won't.
It doesn't make you a bad mom to want him to have a good partner, to be happy and all those things, but HE has to walk his own path. Sometimes your "child" will stumble and fall. He is now an adult so he HAS to be the one to pick himself up when that happens.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2020): I'm sorry your son is being a knucklehead right-now. I must agree with your daughter. Now is the time to ignore him; and go about life as usual. You were there for him to love and care for him as a child; and worked to put him through school. He's a man now. When he behaves like a jerk, have nothing to do with him. Making a fuss or spilling your tears won't matter.
There is an irony that I think parents discover as their children become adults. Once they needed you for everything. They grow-up, go out and find love; and they no longer need you for anything. They've totally forgotten who raised whom? They don't mind borrowing money, or asking for favors!
My dear lady, he's going through that period that he doesn't need you for anything. Other influences are now in his life, and love has blinded him to the degree he's being ungrateful and disrespectful. He's "Mr. Big-shot" now! Not that long ago, he was crying on his sister's shoulder like a man-baby! It would be too unmanly to come home crying to mama! Give him a break for being "manly!" Bide your time for now.
Things will go well for awhile. He and his cheating-girlfriend may eventually breakup again, or he could lose his job. Guess who will be knocking at your door? He'll come crawling home with his tail between his legs, with puppy-eyes. When everything goes downhill, they always come crawling home. Suddenly, they'll turn back into a baby. Usually when they're broke, in debt, or homeless. Please remind him how he behaved when that day comes. It's your motherly-duty to do so!
When he gets fresh at the mouth, remind him that he's speaking to his mother. You can't go soft and be his doormat. Never tolerate his disrespect.
Mail your son a bill for the money his girlfriend's father took from you. Not that you really want it back, but if he gives it to you...take it!!!
You shouldn't be giving grown-men your money. That man is of no relation to you. Borrowing money from you was inappropriate, and giving it to him was unwise on your part!
It's up to you, whom you like and don't like! Mistreating his own mother over a woman and her shady-father is on him, not you! Let him be. Ignore him for now. He's acting a jerk. Let his new-family have him for awhile.
Sit-back and wait, dear mother. We must honor our parents. When adult-children get too haughty, disrespectful, and full of themselves. Step-away! Don't meddle in his business. Let him be Mr. Big-shot! Don't envy your daughter for their relationship. He comes to you when he needs his mother. He also has a sister! You are around for the really big stuff!
He will have a downturn in his luck. Misfortune will bring unexpected changes that will humble your son at your feet. He has his girlfriend back, and everything is good for the moment. Do as your daughter wisely suggested. Make him have to come to you. Trust me, he will.
Don't ever give any of them money. Not your son, that woman, or her shady daddy! Never!!!
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