A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Since I can't register because it States my emails are being used when I've never registered before I'm just posting without registering so bare with me please.So I was wanting some opinions, the situation doesn't directly effect me but it sort of does at the same time.So back story, my sister was in a relationship for almost 8 years or close to (off and on again), she has an almost 3 year old son, the relationship between my sister and her boyfriend was very toxic to not only my sister but my baby nephew. The guy cheated on my sister multiple times and she left and came back and then had my nephew. So in about September or October 2019 she was finally done and wanted more for her and my nephew so she moved out and ended the relationship but according to her the relationship was done a long time before she left but anyway.She moved in with my grandmother, but spends more time away than she is actually there. In about November her job ended (she was an in home caregiver for an elderly man). So she was no longer asking her family to watch her son (she relied on us to always take him because her and her boyfriend worked the same days and neither would change their shifts). But she hasn't really set boundaries for my nephew and has let him get away with way too much that we try and correct bad behaviors but she and her boyfriend allowed it so he just didn't listen to us.Anyway I got off from what I was originally asking,So my nephew is supposed to go to his dads on Wednesday and come back on Friday, my sister drives the hour ish drive to take him but she ends up staying with them and never comes "home" until she brings him back Friday. She's been doing this since her job ended. And she goes out to eat with her ex and son all the time (on days when she has my nephew). She claims they are "just coparenting". But to me going out to eat, going to stores together and all this is above coparenting to me. I'm just worried for my sister and nephew because she was so done with him and left and she's been sucked back in before.I guess I'm just curious if y'all think this "co-parenting" is just that or out of line. I just don't want my nephew to be confused as he gets older.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2020): She's out of work and has no income. My guess is she's trying to make nice with the child's father to ward-off a battle for child-custody. If he gets a bug up his butt, he's might start messing around with the idea of taking full-custody of his son. He's probably using the child as leverage; and has convinced her being with him is the best idea. She hasn't been totally sold on it; so don't spook her!
To keep things less complicated, I think you need to lay-low and keep an eye on things; but don't make any sudden-moves. I agree with you, I think something fishy is going-on; but I don't think it's simply the case she's being sucked-in.
I think she needs his help. If she behaves like she can't care for the child alone, or asks for more child-support while unemployed; he might wig-out and cause some trouble. It's easier having them both live with him; rather than having to dole-out scheduled court-mandated child-support payments. It makes it easy for him to control the situation when she's financially-dependent on him. It may be as simple as "scratching each-others back." "Help with your kid, and I won't give you baby-mama drama!" He'll behave, and they will be a little family. There's nothing wrong with it, as long as it works. It won't for long.
Considering matters are peaceful for the moment, she's unemployed, and he's the boy's father; I think everyone has to sit-back, chill, and let her run her own life.
Intervene when she's in distress, or asks for help. Otherwise, she's a grown-woman, he's the father of her kid; and technically, it's none of your business. You may not like their parenting-style; but unless you can prove to The Dept. of Children and Youth Services the child is neglected, or in any danger. All you can do is watch. If you make the wrong move, he will have the upper-hand. If the child is neglected, or in a hostile and/or unstable-environment while in their care; DCYS will remove the child, and place him in foster-care. Then you might step-in to try and seek legal-guardianship; but then, you'll open a whole new can of worms.
They are used to a cycle of on-again/off-again in their relationship. The seas are steady for the moment, don't rock the boat. If your nephew is being raised between his two biological-parents, he won't be confused. It's whether or not they can maintain civility between them around the child that you should be concerned about. His dad will probably always be living-with or away from the boy. Kids get used to that. Remember, he grew-up in the midst of their on-again/off-again relationship. That's all some kids will ever know between their parents. That's what divorce is like. I know you're jumpy, this is like a ticking time-bomb. Hang in there, auntie!
Try not to let their messy-life monopolize all your time and concern. You have your own life and responsibilities to keep in order. Battered or abused-women tend to return to abusive or psychologically-manipulative men. You can only give her your support and advice; but it's up to her, if she wants to follow it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 March 2020):
 As much as it sucks, it's HER life, HER son and HER mistakes to make.
I get that your concern comes from a place of love, but whether WE (totally strangers on the internet) think it sounds like a messy situation or not, is kind of irrelevant. Don't you think?
As for your nephew, he is still little and this is the "norm" as far as he knows. Kids don't see the complexities of adult relationships until much older and even then they don't pick up on everything.
But FWIW, I think your sister is messing up HER own life (and thus also her son's) by having so vague boundaries with the father of the child. And I hope she grows up ASAP. Her son deserve a stable environment. And so does she.
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