A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, this may be a stupid thing to be upset about, and feel free to tell me if it is. My husband and I have been married for five years, and I don't feel like he ever stands up for me to other people. By "other people," I mean his family. For the most part, I have a GREAT relationship with his family, but there have been a few times when I felt ganged up on and really would have appreciated my husband's support...but never got it.Exhibit A: At our Christmas 2018 get-together, it was decided by Everyone that I apparently don't cook. (Because they're all totally at our house every single night and totally know what goes on every night. /sarcasm) Truth be told, at that time, I actually DIDN'T cook much and hadn't for a couple years...BECAUSE my husband was working out of town Monday-Friday. I cooked most of our meals on the weekends, minus the occasional dinner out and when he would get a wild hare and decide he felt like grilling something. They KNEW that he worked out of town, yet all anybody wanted to focus on was, "Oh, [insert my name here] doesn't cook! She must not know how!" (Um, yes, I DO know how, and hubs has never gone hungry when he's home.) To top it all off, I haven't particularly demonstrated my cooking abilities to the family because at every get-together, while mother-in-law claims three dishes that she "has" to cook and sister-in-law claims two more that SHE "has" to cook becauseohthefamilywonteatitifsoandsodidntcookitbecausesoandsocooksitthewaytheylikeit and cousin is assigned a dish, my husband and I are told to just bring plates, napkins, whatever else is needed but is un-cookable. I was about four months pregnant at the time of this exchange, so for fear of hearing the, "Aw, look at the hormonal pregnant lady going crazy, LOL!" comments, I didn't say anything. BUT neither did my husband, which really bugged me, and I told him so once we left the party. He told me to just ignore it and acknowledged that "of course you don't cook much, because I'm never home." I told him that it would have been nice for him to jump in with that while everyone was joking about my infrequent cooking, and he just said they were being stupid and I needed to let everything go "in one ear and out the other." (That's his personal policy when the jokes/ragging/whatever is at his expense.) A few weeks later, he actually did mention it to a cousin who was there that night, and she promptly gave me a heartfelt apology, so, that was nice.Exhibit B: When our daughter was around four months old, I decided to have her ears pierced. My mama had mine pierced when I was three months, and I have a multitude of friends who have pierced their baby's ears at around the same age. Husband's grandpa thought it was the cruelest idea ever (forget the fact that he has three sons, all of whom were circumcised...in other words, put through a painful and medically unnecessary procedure just because he and his wife decided they should be) and took it upon himself to let me know it. I stood my ground, telling him that she would be just fine, she wouldn't remember being in pain, I already knew what a big responsibility it was gonna be to keep her ears clean while they healed and turn the earrings every day, and I was totally prepared to do it. Well, his grandpa (although he's a great person who I love) can be extremely stubborn and opinionated and my-opinion-is-the-right-opinion-so-just-agree-that-it-is, and this was one of those times. Again, hubby was there, and again, instead of jumping in and saying, "Hey, this is our daughter, we're both on the same page, and everything's gonna be just fine," he said NOTHING. When we were alone, his only comment was--you guessed it--"in one ear and out the other."Exhibit C: This one happened yesterday. I shared a Facebook video of an infant in a Johnny Jump-Up (there's a modern-day name for them, but I can't remember it) that was suspended over a big plastic storage tote filled with water; basically, it was a little makeshift swimming pool, and the kid could bounce up and down in it. I posted it with the comment of, "Totally gonna do this for [baby girl]!" And my father-in-law jumps in with, "You better not be on that phone with [baby] in the water, [my name]. Full attention!!!" Of course, I found this insulting, because to me, it was basically saying, "You're not smart enough to know how to keep your kid from possibly drowning, so let me give you some advice." My husband thinks "he meant don't be videoing her on your phone while she's in the water in case you need to jump and get to her fast." Because obviously, the video I shared was taken with a cell phone. BUT how does my father-in-law know that the one "on that phone" was the only person in the room? Could there not have been an adult with two free hands standing just outside of the camera's view, ready and waiting to grab the kid if needed? Furthermore, as my husband said, "She'd be in a bouncy thing, she wouldn't be going anywhere." Again, he didn't think I needed to be upset, but did reassure me that he knows I'm a great mom and all that jazz.Like I said before, this may be a stupid thing to be getting upset about...but I can't help it. I just feel like a husband and a wife are supposed to have each other's backs, and it doesn't feel like he has mine all that much. It would be nice to hear him jump in and say, "Hey, leave her alone, she knows what she's doing." I've told him how much it bothers me that he doesn't do this, and still, he doesn't see any need to do it at the next opportunity. I know he loves me, but I just wish he would stand up for me more. How can I make him understand this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2020): Ignore their comments to you.Be glad you get the easy cheap things to bring to these meals you will be grateful once you have your baby.Just tell yourself the event with his family will be over soon.I have lived this ....I get it. My hubby never really backed me up because he was raised with this disfuction and thought of it as normal.I would get very sick with a headache or the runs so I could not go sometimes...not really sick just used as an excuse.When my kids grew up they stopped going to his family things.We moved far away.Life got better.When the baby comes you have a good excuse not to go.....the baby has a bad nite or is sick.Just remember they are more than not mentally ill to be like this...It made me feel better.But my in-laws really were which made it worse.Now I never have to see them.Just remember you are a good person and they are not normal but sick.Your husband will never get it although he might it took mine thirty years to get it hence why we moved.Maybe move far away?Distance is the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2020): If and when your husband should intervene or come to your rescue, all depends.
Are your in-laws hateful mean-spirited people? Do they all pounce on you maliciously, and undermine your marriage? Do they demean you as a person, and humiliate you by dressing you down in-front of a large crowd of strangers? Do they set you up to cause you to fail, just so they can make fun of you? Do they viciously verbally-abuse you? Have they ever made unflattering remarks regarding your appearance? These types of attacks would certainly warrant your husband immediately coming to your defense.
Sometimes the way to deal with bullying is to stand-up to the bully. If they gang-up, catch them one by one! Like those vengeance movies! You get one that strays from the herd, tell her how rude she is.
I read your post, and carefully studied Exhibits A,B,& C.
I reached the following verdict.
His family are pack of relentless kidders and teasers.
You are an easy-target, because you take all their ribbing and teasing to heart. I didn't read anything that justified getting too upset over. They tend to tease you to get a rise out of you.
You're obviously woven from a totally different kind of cloth. They seem earthy, mouthy, opinionated, and somewhat crass. Generally, I'd say they're harmless.
You're a little proper, over-sensitive, defensive, and maybe shy. You're probably used to getting compliments and fawned-over by your own family. Families are different. They're not going to put-on airs for you. These people are jokesters, and they probably think you're snooty. You might be a little dainty for their taste; and your husband is letting them toughen you up. He's also leaving it up to you to ingratiate yourself into the clan by assimilating somewhat. He's one of them, and he's not likely to say or do anything to make his own family feel he thinks you're better than they are. In fact, he probably thinks you believe you're better than the women in his family. He's going to let them bring you down to earth somewhat.
You might not really feel you're better than they are; but you surely don't seem to think they're your social-equals! You find them irritating and profoundly-domesticated. Guess what? They can tell! They think you're a bit stuck-up; so they tease you a lot! Like upper-Manhattan meets blue-collar Jersey! His family feels you're snubbing them, and looking down your nose! Back at-cha!
If you're prim and proper, while they're earthy and boisterous. How do you think they're going to treat you on their home-turf? You're like the city mouse and they're the country mice, giving you the business. You don't need your husband's protection; you need to stop being wimpy! Either learn how to laugh it off, or throw-back a few curves.
They don't play soft, they're rough and tough! You make a very easy target, and they have their way with you. You don't get their humor, and you find them mean and bitchy. They are offended that you take every jab as an attack or insult; like they're a bunch of lowlife-slobs. They won't allow you to behave that way when you're in their domain. They'll go for it! Have fun at your expense!
Cranky old-men are just crotchety old-farts with outdated dry-jokes, and too much opinion. Most of what the old-guy says should be water off a duck's back. How can you take offense or feel under attack from those rusty old remarks he made about a kiddy-pool video? Come-on!
You know you can cook, and they know you can cook too. If you give them plenty of squirms and tears; you'll just wind them up, and get them going! The women in his household are putting you through their rites of passage. You have yet to earn your mettle; so you are low in the pecking order. Until you toughen-up, grow a sense of humor, and push-back; you're going to be their punching-bag and dart-board. You're the brunt of their jokes; until you comeback with a few of your own!
Your husband knows his family; and he knows the heart behind all the teasing and ribbing. I don't think he would allow them to deliberately hurt you. I didn't read anything that seemed malicious; but I will agree it was annoying. I don't think you should get angry, or take any of it to heart. They will thicken your skin with time. Eventually, you'll have enough; and you'll be whoop'n ass and taking names! Learn to knock-back a few wigs, as the drag queens say! No, I'm not a drag queen! That's humor! Don't take things so literally!
Meanwhile, criticize their cooking! Make some suggestions on how you would improve it. Then when they comeback with a zinger, laugh it off! If the old-man starts talking smack; ask him to back-off. You were taught to respect your elders; but don't push your buttons! If they suggest that you don't cook! Don't! Less work for you! They probably prefer their own style of cooking versus yours.
If your hubby hasn't starved to death, or he's not bloated and overweight; they know somebody is cooking for him. He's not living off fast-food, or he'd say so. He just says nothing, because he wants you to stand-up for yourself! Stop letting that brood of hens cackle at you. Hold your own and laugh it off sometimes. Let it go in one ear and out the other. Take the wind out of their sails. Give them "wonk-face." Like when a comedian bombs on stage. That means a blank cold-stare, crickets, then abruptly change the subject. The more you do it, the more fun it gets.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 March 2020):
 I think the reason your husband says, ignore - a basic "smile and wave, boys" is because it DROPS the subject and doesn't escalate to HAVING to "defend" you or him, or the both of you, which in turn can turn into an argument and family drama ensues.
While I GET that it's ANNOYING when his family is quick to point out your perceived flaws (like not cooking often) or being on your phone or whatever, I would actually TAKE his advice and let it go. In one ear out the other.
I think they nettle you because they get a small raise out of you, they don't get anything from your husband because he doesn't CARE what they think.
The more you FEEL you HAVE to (or HE has to defend you) the more clout you put into what ever they say. Basically, if what they say doesn't REALLY matter in the big picture, you will come out ahead by either ignoring it or making a joke of it.
Like with exhibit A. I would have totally made a joke about how I can boil water... I think. Something to do with water, right? WHO cares if they think you can't cook? YOU know you can cook, your spouse KNOWS you can cook. WHY give 7 shits to whether they think you can or not? Maybe one day surprise everyone with a lovely family dinner that YOU cooked. A IN your face, but without the arguments or being butt hurt.
My old oven was super uneven in the heat distribution (half would get to 500 (when you set it for 400) and the other half barely hit 350, so baking could come out under done or over done or, on occasions perfectly. However, my family ONLY "remembers" the burnt stuff. Now I have cooked and baked for 40 years. And for my husband and later kids, for the last 20+ I have burned bread ONCE in those 20 years. So it's a household joke that I burn the bread. I don't need ANYONE to defend me if that joke gets tossed around.
With example C - I would just have said:" of course I'll make sure little peanut is safe, she would have a grand ole time!." Turn their "we aren't sure you are responsible about this" into a POSITIVE.
I think with your In-laws they like to be "know-it-all" and give "sage" advice, whether you WANT it or not. My advice to you (maybe not so sage) would be to acknowledge what they say and do whatever you want.
A a little side note, not having to cook for Christmas is great. But it doesn't mean you couldn't have made SOMETHING (cookies, or any special dish YOU enjoy eating and cooking) Just because they SUGGEST you bring plates and napkins, doesn't mean you can't SHOW off your skills IF you are so inclined.
And another little side note, I don't think they would do this, if they didn't like you. My family is big on joking around there is a lot of sarcasm and teasing. But unless we like someone, they don't get "included".
Let it go, learn to worry about things that MATTER. What THEY think? Doesn't matter as much as what YOU and your husband thinks and wants.
Breathe and let it go. It's pointless to hold on to and pointless to be offended at petty crap.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 March 2020):
 I appreciate that my wife has never needed me to referee her family interactions. I like that she is capable of defending herself. I love the fact that she scrupulously avoids putting herself between me and my clan.
Now at one point my grandmother and aunt tried to exercise their hobby of home inspecting on my wife. She disinvited them from our home, and I totally backed her decision. But I was not expected to deliver the news.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2020): I do think husbands and wives should have each others’ backs 100%. A united front, etc. And I think it’s important for you to ask your husband for what you need in your relationship to feel secure, such as asking him to be mindful and defend you in situations. But... I think some of these situations you specify are not that big a deal that requires him to swoop in to defend you. In some situations it might almost escalate the things at times. Maybe you aren’t describing the other people’s behavior well or you’re leaving things out so I’m missing something... or maybe there’s baggage? Like the family hasn’t been nice to you?For example with grandpa, I think you did a fine job one on one by yourself, I don’t think you need your husband to come in — it’s just a one on one debate/discussion. And with your father in law... yeah it’s annoying but that’s what it is..annoying. Not something to go to war for...My point is, it’s great you ask your husband to step up, but I’d be easier on him in some (but not all) situations because it’s not always clear in those few situations that it’s something he may need to step in for to “defend” you— either it’s something you can handle on your own or something you can brush off. But to answer your question directly... maybe explain to him what you are feeling and why his help is important to you to feel secure. Objectively (and understandably) he may not understand why a certain situation calls for his attention. And since some situations are gray areas, you may need to accept that he can’t figure it out on his own and in those cases you will literally need to signal to him that you need his help since he can’t read your mind on what will set you off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2020): I’ve been where you are now and I know it sucks but you’ve got this .
You don’t need your hubs to stand up for you because you are a grown woman and can stand up for yourself . Politely tell them that they don’t need to tell you how to raise your children , that you have no complaints about your cooking from hubs etc
This is more about your confidence being shaken by then than anything else . Don’t let them rattle you
Try reading about assertiveness and standing up for yourself without getting mad . I did it and it made me start respecting myself a whole lot more plus other thought twice before being rude
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