A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My sister refuses to put her foot down on my 5 year old niece's behaviour all the time and it's making me not want to visit them because doing so has become a pain. She doesn't smack her which is understandable but even if her kid does something like be rude to me or my other sister or hit us she will just say a firm word at most and then forget about it. She never talks to her kid seriously about politeness or puts her on a naughty chair or deprives her of "treats" or anything. Or worse she laughs at bad behaviour and says "you used to be like that" (I wasn't). Every time we go to Waitrose she gets her daughter a "present" regardless of how good she has actually been.If I tell her child off for misbehavour she just says "Oh you two are fighting again" and laughs like it's a joke but I'm the adult trying to teach her manners ffs! I have tried bringing this up with my sister but she says "all kids are like that," and yet her daughter is always being told off at school apparently despite her mother's angry letters to them over every little thing. She even tells her daughter to ask me and our other sister to do things for her like buy sweets or get food from the fridge which has led to her talking in a bratty "ordering around" way to us and other adults. Her dad works in finance and has been in America for the last year too though he is really strict when he's around.Am I overreacting by not visiting them as much? And do you think this sounds like normal 5 year old behaviour or is my sister spoiling her daughter? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2015): I fully understand how you feel. The problem is, you don't get to tell your sister how to raise her child. You can only set an example for the girl; but you really have no patience for your sister's odd and permissive parenting style.
My post about this is simple. You should make very short visits.
A
female
reader, the_village_idiot +, writes (7 April 2015):
Your sister is definitely spoiling her child and by the way you're not overreacting. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 April 2015):
 I totally get you.
There is nothing worse then a bratty kid. At 3 some of it might have been "kid behavior" and "cute" at 5.. it starts to NOT be so cute no more...
BUT it's NOT your job to discipline your niece. You might think a "naughty chair" (my guess that is like "time out"?) would work, and WHEN you have kids of your own you can CHOOSE how to discipline your OWN kiddos. YOU may not agree with your sister's laissez faire parenting style, but.... HER KID... HER CHOICE.
What is your JOB is to SET a good example.
A 5 year old DO NEED help getting food in the fridge, unless it's a juice box or something that doesn't involve more than opening the door and picking it up.
So what you CAN DO is.... next time she DEMANDS to "fetch" her something from the fridge/kitchen tell her, to 1. ask nicely ( tell her: Anne, you know if you ask nicely people are more likely to want to help you, saying please and thanks you goes a long way, so why don't you try that?" and 2. ASK her (politely as well)to come "help" you.
As for her demanding you buy her sweets, the word NO is always available and it's NOT to early for her to learn that adults *gasp* WILL say no every now and again.
Personally, I think your sister is OVERCOMPENSATING for the Dad not being there. Been there done that. When my husband was deployed I did "spoil" my kids more often then when he was home. BUT then again... my kids were/are pretty well behaved. I'm actually the "strict parent" in our household. BUT I still did let them pick out little things from the store when we went out.
If you feel like the visit is unpleasant for YOU, then stay away a while.
Or next time you visit try and interact with her instead of trying to "teach" her manners.. Like play a board game or draw.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 April 2015):
 You have every right not to visit as often, nobody likes being around a bratty kid, I don't blame you a bit. But she is your sister's headache not yours, trust me her mother will have her hands full in a couple of years, a bratty 15 year old is even worse. This is really not your problem to fix.
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A
female
reader, SeaGreen  +, writes (7 April 2015):
 Her daughter does indeed sound like she lacks manners and respect. However as you already know there is nothing you can do about it.
I agree with your decision to visit less because these visits do stress you out and ill-feelings will continue to grow. It is a shame though that this is happening. I wouldn't give up on visiting all together. Short visits spaced over time is what I would do. If questioned then I would gently tell your sister that her daughter's behavior is making you uncomfortable.
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