A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:dear cupid i have been single for a number of years now 4 to exact. i haven't been on a date or kissed a guy in four years either. my last relationship was very controlling and when we spilt my daughter and i moved back home with my parents. now that i am living out on my own i find that it can be lonely and i do at times wish i could met someone but i am afraid. i am not ugly but i refuse to wear makeup and get my hair done case someone might look at me.When guys come over to me and try to chat me up i shrink away becaue i don't know what to do. pretty much im looking to see what the steps are to get back out their and over come my fears that evey guy that says hi to me dosen't want to bed me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2015): Euphoric 29 is right - by behaving in this way you are effectively setting yourself up to attract a controlling, dominant man all over again.I know because I've been in a very similar position after a young marriage, divorce and with a young daughter.I was in an extremely controlling marriage with a man who did not want to have sex with me, would not work at all and expected me to live with absolutely nothing.By the time I "got out" I had cut most of my hair off, wore no make up and wore only the plainest, charity shop clothes. All of this was because my healthy, normal sexuality had been controlled and denied by my ex husband and made to feel wrong.When I started college, loads of people told me I was very pretty or beautiful and that I could be a model. I was only 24 and I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about. I was aware that to OTHERS I seemed very attractive. But in myself I felt just a complete blank about my looks, as if I was worthless in that respect. I couldn't handle attention at all from men.I met a couple of friends at college, one of whom was a (still very dominant) but very lovely guy. As a friend he made me feel amazing. He didn't fancy me at all, but he would say things like "why don't you wear some make up ?" or "Why don't you grow your hair long?" When I would ask him why, he would say "It's just more fun". There honestly was nothing strange going on with this, he really just seeemed to realise I had effectively made myself invisible and was attractive (though not to him) and was holding back.So, one day I went and bought some new clothes. I spent absolutely ages buying just one pair of trousers, one pair of boots, one jacket and one top. All brand new. I hadn't bought new clothes in years and a lot of this had been due to feeling such extreme guilt (imposed by my husband) about wanting anything at all. I put on some eyeliner and mascara and I went to meet my friend and his other friend. They both went nuts, saying they couldn't believe how amazing I looked. My friend even took photos of me. And his friend, therafter, pursued me to become his girlfriend.However, the story does not quite have a happy ending. I spent many years with this new man, who seemed to delight in 'bringing me out'. I learned to socialise again and chat with anyone and everyone. I learned how to really dress well and look attractive. It was all cultivated, all learned. But what I didn't realise was that this guy, also, was controlling. He was a drinker, and he would sabotage things if I stepped out of his control in any way - if I talked to other men or if I tried to form any life of my own, he would find ways to bring me down psychologically, so that I could never really 'be free'.Now, I very much realise that I needed to do more work on myself - maybe not much, just a bit of counselling would have helped - before making a decision to stay with this man. Inside I always felt worthless and scared of going back to the kind of life I'd had with my husband, in which I was invisible and like an automaton, not a person. I threw myself into my new life, whilst still being an excellent Mum. It was not easy to do both, not at all. Now, I can 'perform' socially if I want to and I love dressing up. BUT I am still wary of men. I know how to attract them, and I feel far more confident with that. But something inside of me is not sorted out yet and it's been there all along.I should have had counselling to help me to understand more about how my ex husband had affected my sense of self and I should have made more decisions, as I went along, with this new partner; looking back, having made that transition from invisible to visible, I was so terrified of going backwards, that I didn't behave selfishly enough. There were so very many red flags telling me that this man was not right - he wasn't totally evil, he was incredibly loving sometimes and he was a huge amount of fun, something that had been totally absent from my life. BUT he was very selfish and right from the start I had nagging doubts. I loved him, but I should have probably stayed in "hunter" mode and, after a couple of years, moved on. I was so grateful to him because I suppose I felt like he'd rescued me just because he'd been the first to really look at me after I started to change - as a single Mum I felt so grateful at the time that someone so loving and so much fun would want me. BUT, looking back I know I was WAY out of his league except I could not see it. I was gorgeous but felt like nothing inside. And I was bright and talented and extremely patient and kind. I believed no one else would want me, so I put up with increasingly bad behaviour from him. He KNEW, inside, that he was incredibly lucky to have this 'bargain' woman who looked like a model and was the brightest out of everyone we knew. And this is one of the things that made him so controlling - that he was insecure and selfishly so, underneath. I simply didn't value myself properly, and could not SEE, at all, what I am saying to you now.So, what I am saying to you is that, even if you do start to wear make up and dress up and attract a man, value yourself and maybe get some counselling to understand that, even if you feel invisible and worthless, men won't see you in that way. You may find a man who will delight in "bringing you out of your shell" like I did - but unless you have a really good perspective on the situation overall, part of you will still remain in your old, defensive, mindset in which you feel controlled, even if your controller has gone - his behaviour will have affected you and taken away your sense of how to direct your life and your sexuality. And it won't be sorted out just by a man coming along - that's part of it, but the main part is you sorting yourself out.I wish I'd dressed up more, gone out more and attracted men without dating them or without accepting any offers from them. I have heard of courses where women actually do this, just so that they can regain a sense of power and how to be in control of their sexuality - they attract men and then politely decline to go out with them. And the idea is that by practicing in this way, they learn to control their sexuality and to understand what it is that they really do want from men, rather than just waiting to be chosen.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 April 2015):
 Most of the time guys who walk up to me and chat with me are creepy types, and mostly taken people or others I am not interested in. People who hang out in community centres are usually in families already. Bars are places for hookups. So besides online where creeps could also be, one way you can meet people is to organize meet ups at your local grocery store. In my city, every Tuesday is a designated date night at safeway. There is even a facebook page created about the event.
In your post I am confused. You don't want to catch attention then you are worried that guys don't want to bed you. When the right one catches your eye you won't shrink away. You would flirt back.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (7 April 2015):
Dear OP,
I know this fear very well. But you know, men don't respect you more or ignore you, just because you don't wear make up etc. I actually found that the more proud and self-confident I look, the less I get chatted up by weird people. Because when I look great and feel great they can sense that they might be rejected. Of course, most men that talk to you would want to go to bed with you, since they find you attractive, but you're not obligated to let them do that and they know it. Most men are already happy with a smile, or a chat, and they can handle being let down if you are clear but polite. Men that approach you know that they may not get sex and that's okay for them, but they don't want to lose their face, and they need to know when it's time for them to stop trying.
What helped me is to see myself more as the hunter. I chose to flirt with the man I find attractive, and ignore the other guys. It's so rewarding if YOU can also decide who you give attention to, and it makes you happy to get it back.
Since you have had a bad experience, maybe you want to look for a man who is very kind and a bit shy, not one of the loud boys who chat up every woman. You won't find men like that in clubs, usually, so maybe you want to look for a hobby or another way to meet men than by going out.
If you want to go to a club to meet men, I recommend you take a good friend with you. Another woman might help you to stay away from bad decisions, and she can give her opinion if a man looks like trouble.
Maybe you will get more advice on this topic, but these are the few things I can recommend..
good luck!
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