A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:The last few days I haven't felt well so I had to go to hospital last night. Just before my sister had called and said that I'm not my usual happy self and all I've done is complain about my health for two weeks. I corrected her and said it had been less than 48 hours that I had been in pain. She said well you shouldn't be complaining we all have issues and then went into a five minute rant about the strain of living with her husband's grandma for the last 9 months which allowed her to save a deposit on a house. she complains a lot of the time but god forbid anyone else complain for a real reason. Whenever there is something bothering her I listen and give advice if I can and she goes on and on. But if it's the other way round I'm being negative and need to pick myself up and get on with it. She's 6 years older than me and I always feel like she has no emotion when it comes to anyone elses problems like they are a burden. She has a well paid job, husbands relatives who help her out to achieve her goal of getting a house and still complains. Yet I am a student making about 100 a week struggling to save while she talks about how she has no money while bragging about her wage. How would you handle someone like this?
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (2 October 2019):
You don’t have to handle her. You handle yourself. If you’re tired of listening to her and giving her advice. Stop listening and stop giving advice.
When she starts complaining tell her Sorry sis I have to go. Then hang up the phone or actually walk away.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2019): I think the secret lies in the fact that SHe called You.As wise owl so neatly observes you have a complaint system running.She wanted to have a good moan to you because you've always been there to listen.And you felt it was your turn to get a bit of T.L.C.So on a scale of social niceties she was a bit miffed because she is secretly wondering why she only just heard this (last in line to know) or more insulting:third party informer let slip that you were hospitalized for the night.But come on, a good story needs embellishment.Why didn't you add ambiguous details to further intrigue her?Well it seems you have different priorities and if your reciprocal blame and complain alliance isn't working then why don't you redefine the sisterhood and start saying : "we must meet up to go to a far away cafe where we can at least drink coffee and no one around will ever repeat your moans to anyone else."But just put it a bit more nicely.So now your home safe and well, we the readers are curious as to what caused your overnight stay in a hospital.If it was testing: was it good news?Do you have to go back?Did it impact your studies?Are you out of pain now?I think sis will always be like this, but you must have one or two friends in the world who actually want to think your way occasionally.If not, consider making some new friends and acquiring a better support system.And where was your husband/ boyfriend/ man friend?Did he visit?Does he exist?Or is Sis determined to be number one in your mind forever!Let sis off or phone her back and MOAN about how isolated you felt, how your fevered brow could not be soothed,how you kept calling her name and she wasn't there.This can be embellished up to the point where the whole ward was anxious.Dying people delayed because they all waited to see if your beloved sister would arrive before your imminent demise.I mean have a little fun with it because you are stuck in a sisterly rut where you feel disempowered.And remember that no one gives a damn about pain in real life because they don't see it or feel it.There would be a lot more sympathy coming from her if you vomited blood on her carpet.Then she'd have something to worry about.If she doesn't enjoy her life, make a mission out of enjoying yours.And maybe screen your calls and send kind sisterly thoughts rather than being always available.And redefine your permitted communications so that you feel more comfortable in them.And get out of that rut.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2019): You and your sister are two of a kind. It's my guess that complaining and comparing your troubles is an old family-tradition between you. You both spend a lot of your time comparing your issues and one-upping each other. "You think your big-toe cramps? Well, mine just got cut-off with an ax!"
The age-old sibling-rivalry between sisters is all too common! You complained about how terrible of a sister she is to you. That's still complaining. Your post is a complaint!
It's a shared-habit you both have practiced and perfected since you were little-girls. You both seem to be competing for attention and sympathy. She negates your suffering with what she considers more serious goings-on in her life. As an older sister, she's stuck in the mindset that you being younger means you've always had it easier; and have no idea what suffering is.
You feel it's necessary to seek her validation; and you need her to acknowledge and qualify your problems as real. They are real, with or without her "reject or approval" stamp! She's selfish, and possibly holds-on to jealousy over you coming along when she was the baby for six years. If you have no other siblings, you canceled her unique-position as an only-child. How dare you complain!
She has a convoluted off-colored way of comforting you; by telling you that your problems are only imagined. She paints a more tragic picture of her life, thinking it trivializes or disqualifies your pain and suffering as nothing. You try hard to drag sympathy and understanding out a self-centered ungrateful person; who doesn't have it in her. Or, at least she can't bring herself to show it to you.
It often turns the tables when you use some tact. When you tell her how you feel, and she tells you that's not how you feel. Just say, "I know you're concerned; but what you just said isn't helping. Maybe you didn't quite mean it that way?" "Please show me some compassion, for once. Don't dismiss my problems, you really hurt my feelings when you do that!" If she continues, tell her you have to go. The conversation is upsetting you. Don't sulk, or go into a passive-aggressive mode, just let her know when she hurts your feelings; and end the conversation then and there.
Do you two talk about anything good, or just complain over each other?
If your calls are nothing but venting-sessions, you ought to choose a different kind of subject matter. Like start out complimenting each other. Talk about events. Inquire about what's good happening lately? Reminisce over the things you used to do as children that you thoroughly enjoyed doing together. Keeping your discussions light and upbeat; and averting the conversation to something more positive when you start to bicker.
You both only call each other to complain or deliver bad-news. It's the only way you know how to carrying-on a conversation with each other. You're just perpetuating your childhood-behavior; because neither of you have really grown-up. You're still two little-girls jealous of each other, and resentful about things you repress, but never directly address. Complaining is controlled-aggression, and you both pick at or on each other.
Just tell her straight-out you feel "you both" complain too much. You really want to keep your calls and communications more on a positive note. Keep your calls short and sweet. Make a pact to be nicer to each other. If you're too proud to be the one to offer the olive-branch, stop calling her so much; and keep your problems to yourself. If she only knows how to attack your sensitivities and be dismissive, minimize communication.
You both need to realize you love each other; and life is too short for unnecessary quibbling and discourse between sisters.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2019): Ooh dear family dynamics are tricky aren't they .. I know how you feel . I had siblings who took advantage of my good nature and placed me in awkward situations and yet when the shoe was on the other foot . When I looked just for an understanding ear and to vent they became hostile . Tbh I ended up moving on from them and only have a relationship with one of my siblings. Don't be used . Just cut her whinging off and see how she handles it
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2019): I think you should just tell her what you said here. That you feel like you'er there for her and she is really dismissive of your problems. Tell her you don't expect her to change but you can't keep listening to all of her problems when you feel like she doesn't care about yours. Next time she complains just say the same things to her, that she says to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 October 2019):
 Give as good as you get?
If SHE tells you YOU can't "whine" to her, well neither can she! I would find a good "reason" to end a conversation if she goes on and on and on about negative stuff, or change the subject, or simple respond HOW she responded to you when you didn't feel good.
BUT before all that... I would take a minute or two and consider your last few conversations - Were you repetitive in your complaints? because as much as most of us like to "unload" negative stuff, the more negative we get.
Also life isn't tit for tat. We are all different people with different personalities, hopes, dreams and expectations. That doesn't mean YOU can't set some boundaries.
And life isn't a "who has it worse competition" either. LOOK at the bright side of life. If you are a student, I presume there is a degree and an end in sight. And after you get your degree you can focus on the future.
It's OK to want to vent when there are things in life that sucks. You just have to accept that your SISTER might not be the person for you to vent to, if she seems incapable of listening and emphasizing.
You can't change HER, only how YOU react and behave.
Chin up.!
...............................
|
