A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Recently my fiancé and relocated down south to North England, we're originally from Scotland.He moved down for his career and I followed him, because I love him. However, I hate it here. It's been five months, and I know that's not a very long time but the sense of feeling trapped and missing home is not getting any less, if anything I'm resenting the move even more.He will need to work in this job for around another year to gain enough experience to transfer back home. However, I don't think I can stay here for that long. Our options are limited, either I suck it up and just spend the next year of my life unhappy and possibly end up resenting the man I'm marrying in 2 years. Or I move home and we do long distance until he gains the experience and moves back. The problem I'm facing is that we've been pretty much inseparable since we've met and have only spent a select few nights apart and I hated it, how do I cope with 8-12months of seeing him possibly only once a fortnight?Some advice please?
View related questions:
long distance, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 October 2019):
 Honestly, OP?
I would tough it out for that year. I don't know if you have a job, if not, find one. OR sign up for some classes to improve on your career. I would also try and make some new friend, possible from you own "neck of the woods" so basically other Scots who are temporarily or permanently relocated to North England.
I don't blame you for being homesick and missing Scotland :) It's a gorgeous place! However, its ONLY for one year. Making your relationship into a LDR might not work at all, it's hard for most people. I have been there done that and yes, LDR's are tough, not seeing each other often is hard. Though IT can be done.
Also going HOME for visits can really help. That way the monotony of being in a place you don't care for that much is broken up and time will start to fly. Same if you got a job and made some friends.
Any place can be home. I have lived in many places FAR from home and while I didn't LOVE them all as I do home, I have made it work. It also GIVES you a marketable skill, ADAPTATION.
You CAN make this work. Resenting HIM is unfair, and you know this. HE wants to further his career not just for himself but to be a better provider for YOU and HIS future. You supporting him and him supporting you, morally, ethically, intellectually etc. is a GOOD way to show that you CAN and will make every effort to make things work. Marriage will ALSO bring bumps in life where the skill of BEING adaptable will help you out more than you think.
You can do this. Don't give up.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2019): Turning this into a long-distance relationship will be just as miserable and frustrating. You're not happy, because your decision to relocate was not well thought-out. It was impulsive, you felt pressured, and you didn't insist on any sort of compromise.
Did you make a trip ahead of your move to check-it out? Did you do your research before pulling up stakes, and disconnecting from everything and everybody you love and knew?
He asks you to marry him; then drags you away from your family, your job, and your country. I know it was your choice, but under duress somewhat. Considering your limited-options. The resentment stems from the fact that he hasn't sacrificed anything. Did he seek a similar opportunity in your own country? Did he have these plans prior to asking you to marry him?
Will the end-result of all this lead him too a huge success, and yield a life-changing reward? Or, did he just get tired of looking for work in Scotland, wanted a change of scenery, and thought he'd try the UK?
I often suggest in my responses to posts that it seems that women are more likely to uproot their lives and relocate for the love of a man. Men rarely make the sacrifice; and won't even compromise, if he is driven by his ambition. Men can love strongly too; but we're not equipped to sacrifice as easily for love as women. Double-standards gives us the longer end of the stick. By old-tradition, we're the breadwinners. That's no longer true, but the residual-effect lingers in society.
From a male-perspective, extra-long engagements tend to rob a guy of any enthusiasm to follow-through. It gives him way too much leeway for second-guessing and running into all sorts of unforeseen temptations. Putting it off for a couple of years is also a clever way of hoping something will go wrong that will prevent marriage from ever happening. I'm playing the devil's advocate here, none of this may be the case at all. It just seems more sensible to hold-off on the proposal; until you're where you want to be. That seems more logical and practical.
I recommend that you go home, if you're becoming depressed and resentful. I can only speculate that he proposed to you too soon. I think he's thinking more of himself, than of you both as a couple. He could have made this a decision to be made between you; and settled it somewhere in the middle. He left you no choice but to follow. Now your relationship is strained, and you don't know whether to leave or to stay.
Make yourself some friends. Find yourself employment that you actually enjoy. Get to know where you live better. Explore! Find yourself your own little nook where you can think, make your own plans, and set your own goals. Find lovely places where you can spend weekends, change the scenery, and refresh yourself. He should be going out of his way to make this more enjoyable for you; considering you've given-up just about everything for him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2019): I wouldn't. I'd suck it up and find a way to be happy where you are. You can build a life anywhere. you're choosing not to and you're saying you'd rather be in your home town without him, than there with him. If you are going to live apart for a year, who's to say you'll still be together at the end of it?
...............................
|
